You should never make friends with neighbours

[SelfEsteemInDiff]

This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now. I’m in my 40’s and I am fed up of them. I think you (well me!) always imagine people will be respectful and decent like you are but obviously everyone is different. I stupidly thought unwritten rules that I follow everyone’s could too. We moved here 2 years ago. It’s our forever home, we will never move again (well that’s the plan) so I made a bit more effort than I usually do. I just feel the neighbours are taking the piss. Just one example the neighbours kids keep bothering us. I’ve politely told them we are busy but they keep trying to come into the garden. Not next door but they are 5 doors down. In comparison before my kids go there I text everytime and wait for a response before sending them.

how can I stop the kids becoming familiar with our garden? And feeling so at home they just open it? Gate doesn’t lock it’s just a latch. How can I respectfully stop being on friendly terms with them? Immediate neighbours we are civil but not friends. We say hi and bye and exchange pleasantries but that’s it. I want that! I think I made a mistake becoming friendly. Can I back away or what? I do have low self esteem so find these situations hard.

1. Put a lock on your garden gate
2. If the kids knock, open door and say “sorry we’re busy, not today” then close your door.

Yeah this one seems easily fixed with a lock.

I would tell them sternly and straight up that you don't enter property without permission and to leave at once.

Then put a lock on the gate.

I have told them many times. But they return after 20 mins. I then am quite stern and then feel guilty for rest of the day about the way I spoke. I suspect I may be ND but I don’t want to really investigate. I then spend the day worried I upset them! It could even be OCD as I get fixated on it.

Just put a lock on the gate! Or a bolt!

your title is a bit misleading! You have an unfortunate experience with one set of people who live near you. This really doesn’t mean that no one should be friendly with their neighbours ( we are still in touch with people who lived next more more than thirty years ago).

I didn’t say that did I? I said very early on that’s what my mum used to say and I agree with her.

You can say anything you like if you smile when you say it:

<Big smile> we are busy today so can’t play. Off you go home. <Big smile>

<Big smile> I already said, we can’t play today. Off you go home and don’t come back again today. <Big smile>

If they do it again <big smiles> Let’s go see your Mum/Dad. The kids seem confused, I’ve told them twice already today but they’ve just come round again so I thought bring them home as we are busy today and can’t play. <Big smiles>

Also, secure your garden a bit better.

How old are the kids? I take it they are coming to play with your kids? I think by far the easiest option is just to put a lock or a bolt on the gate so that they can't bypass asking.

My neighbours are some of my closest friends - living in flats it's essential to get on with each other. Been here six years and never feel lonely.

I can see where your mother's suggestion comes from, but you can't apply it as a blanket rule.

If they don't run off crying ... you've obviously not been stern enough.

Absolutely.
'Come in here again and I'll string you up by your toenails' ( smiling)

Thank you so much! I really needed that. I will screenshot it, thank you

So this is actually a you problem rather than a neighbour problem. It’s an easy fix. Lock gate, say no, repeat no, stop ruminating.

As an aside, if you can afford it, I suggest getting some therapy to work on your people pleasing tendencies / boundaries. It will help you live a happier life and to stop worrying about upsetting people when you maintain your (very reasonable!) boundaries.

It's not safe for the children to access your garden/home at will. I'd regard it as a health and safety or safeguarding issue and proceed from there.You're entitled to privacy and children need to learn how to have boundaries.

How can you stop ruminating? I literally think of things I may have done wrong all the time

As others have suggested put a simple bolt type lock on your gate. That’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do to secure your property. No one would think that you were being anti social (not that you need to justify your choices anyway!)

That’s what therapy is for. A good therapist will really be able to help you and it will make a huge difference to your life. I write this a former ruminator. 😊

Lock on the gate easy peezy your overthinking it

1. Trip to B&Q (others are available) & buy two draw bolts, one for top and one for middle of the gate across the central bar + two padlocks. Attach bolts using the fixings that come with, then put the padlocks on and lock them. Garden access solved.

2. Don’t answer the door to the children. Ignore them when they knock. If you don’t have a window that overlooks the door / glass in the door, get a camera doorbell. (These are also useful security). You don’t have to answer just because they knock. You only answer when your kids can go out / you’re happy for them to come into the garden with yours. They will soon get the message.

If you have met the parents, ask them to phone / text you before their children call over - say ‘oh little janet / john / we have such busy lives I prefer to plan play dates like this instead of just knocking as it saves your little harriet / harry being disappointed at being turned away’

Good luck.

Thank you so much! This really helps my brain seeing it written like this! Thank you x

I was told this by a lovely neighbour when we bought our first house. She didn't say never, she said "don't be in a hurry" She told us she had moved in when the estate was new and seen all the rushed into friendships and the fallings out. Its advice that has served me well all my adult life. Its always been the same....I stay friendly and polite, willl help out, take in parcels and so on but never take it further.

Good neighbours are a blessing. We’ve pretty much had good ones, but the ones who aren’t really point up how difficult it can be, living near people you don’t get on with.

The best thing you can do is to secure your garden so they can't let themselves in. They shouldn't do this anyway, even if pre arranged.

Also maybe think about how you manage your DC playing at theirs. If you send your kids down to play, even if you check beforehand, you will get return visits.

YANBU