You should never make friends with neighbours

[SelfEsteemInDiff]

This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now. I’m in my 40’s and I am fed up of them. I think you (well me!) always imagine people will be respectful and decent like you are but obviously everyone is different. I stupidly thought unwritten rules that I follow everyone’s could too. We moved here 2 years ago. It’s our forever home, we will never move again (well that’s the plan) so I made a bit more effort than I usually do. I just feel the neighbours are taking the piss. Just one example the neighbours kids keep bothering us. I’ve politely told them we are busy but they keep trying to come into the garden. Not next door but they are 5 doors down. In comparison before my kids go there I text everytime and wait for a response before sending them.

how can I stop the kids becoming familiar with our garden? And feeling so at home they just open it? Gate doesn’t lock it’s just a latch. How can I respectfully stop being on friendly terms with them? Immediate neighbours we are civil but not friends. We say hi and bye and exchange pleasantries but that’s it. I want that! I think I made a mistake becoming friendly. Can I back away or what? I do have low self esteem so find these situations hard.

I hope you don’t live on a busy road and I hope the children have a way of contacting someone in an emergency when they are locked out ! That’s awful

I hope you don’t live on a busy road and I hope the children have a way of contacting someone in an emergency when they are locked out ! That’s awful

They are locked out in the sense that i can see them out the window if needs be and they ring the bell if they want a drink etc.

they spend hour’s happily playing in the garden and up and down the path of our cul de sac and in our back garden.

If my children decide they want to come home they are free to do so at any stage but no friends in unless i am in the mood for it.

what would happen if something happened to you?

They'd go to their friends house and say i’m not answering the door?

or their big brothers would answer the door if they were here?

i’ve have 4 children - aged between 8 and 16 - i’m not a perfect parent but they have survived ok so far!

This wasn't a particularly unusual thing to do in the past. We all knew where to go for help if needed - I suppose that's one advantage of knowing your neighbours.

The disadvantage was having the neighbours kids always around - DSis and I were constantly in next doors garden, and their kids were constantly in ours - the wall was about 2 foot high, so we just climbed over (and over far higher walls into other people's gardens on occasion, but we weren't supposed to be doing that.)

I know.....I was a child "in the past" There are many other things that were done "in the past" that are not done now.

but you are assuming the friends aren't all like you and lock the kids out.

Sadly it's not until you've had awful neighbours that you really get where the OP and her Mum are coming from. I've had experience of this on three separate occasions, and now only say hello, how are you, and keep walking. We actually had a falling out with neighbours after 22 years of getting along really well, when we decided to have an extension built, which we needed due to my disability. They had already had one built, just because they wanted it, it took over a year, and caused us all sorts of inconvenience, which we never complained about. Whereas ours took 6 weeks, and caused them no difficulty whatsoever, but they complained to the Council that our builders had built the chimney ONE brick too wide!! The Council sent someone round to look at it, and they just said to us and the builder, 'they're being ridiculous, carry on'. After that, the neighbours never spoke to us again.

i guess if me plus the parents of the other children on the road all simultaneously had incidents which left us incapacitated in our houses unable to respond to the doorbell then there might be an issue! Not living my life based around unlikely potential catastrophes though!

I answer the locked door to them when they ring the bell but dont let them in - a big group of children push and push against your boundaries. If they want a drink i drop it out to them. If they want to get a toy etc they can grab it. I do try to discourage too much ringing of the bell though. If my children want to go home then they can come in, but not their friends unless its a time that i’m ok with their friends being in my house.

There’s no need to get your knickers in a twist my dear.

The OP has found her forever home, she needs to ‘man up’. Either learn how to say no, or be more patient these kids coming over. She can’t have it both ways.

Single dad doesn’t have to equate to a pedo in the street, I’m sure the kids would soon catch on about who makes them feel uncomfortable. We have neighbours in our street the kids know who to avoid, neighbours talk.

You put a lock on the gate and whenever they return you just say “Sorry the answer is still the same as 20 minutes ago.”

You’re worrying too much about something that doesn’t require it.

This has nothing to do with making friends with neighbours.

You’re not ND for that reason. You just need to develop your assertive skills. These are children, you can’t let them (or adults) walk over you. Just say no with a smile. Practice practice practice

Agree with neighbours looking out for one another.

My DM has great neighbours and I called upon the adult daughter last week to help me with my mum as she couldn't get off the sofa (pain in her hip).
The daughters mum was on holiday so she stepped in.

I've been in temporary accommodation for 4 years and my neighbours are lovely people.

I agree that its best never to get too friendly with neighbours. They are not your friends and you didnt choose them. Neighbours can be a pain in the ass.

Never give them your phone number or email address or you will have them texting you about trivia. If you get a ring type doorbell then people will have to knock on and you have the option not to answer. Make it as difficult as possible for people to contact you and then they will find someone else to get their claws into. A stern notice stating that you do not buy at the door/indulge in religious or political discussion/give to collections/accept visitors without an appointment is very off putting.

You can be polite, but in a frosty distant way that my grandmother used for people whom she "did not know socially". Above all never give them personal information about your job, finances or anything similar. My neighbours dont even know my name nor can they look it up because Im not on the public register. I daresay they could look it up on the land registry but they are probably not bright enough for that.

Interesting.

We're friends with our neighbours.
One is elderly and tends to come over whenever they're having challenges. Rarely more often than once in a fortnight.
However, we've never felt put out as if I'm in a rush, I say so...and I call them back. No one takes advantage, but we're there when we need to be or need help.

Another neighbour, I consider a friend. We catch up for coffee ever so often, and knock on the door for a quick hello and check-in...always asking if we have a few minutes.

Open communication, setting of rules of engagement and touching base on these is important. But also not taking things personally. Humans are so diverse and relationships, including neighbour-led ones, are complicated.

Neighbour Advice from the Wicked Neighbour Witch of the North West.

1. Never say hello Just smile at neighbours but don't talk to them .

1. Pretend to be hard of hearing and short sighted.

1. Only have you door intercom door bell switched on when you are expecting. someone you need, or want to see.

Also good for not taking in parcels from delivery men for feckless neighbours.

1. Take off your door knocker.

5.. If children persist and try to get over your locked gate. Get a six foot gate. Paint it with anti vandal paint.
Or do a sly artificial plant display on the top of gate with thick artificial ivy enclosing razor wire.

Will also keep the burglars away.
No Worries.

If you need any more tips on neighbours.

Get in touch. I am also expert at sorting out neighbours who fly tip in my bin

Bon Chance
Au Revoir.

I have CCTV. I share boundaries with six other properties. The plate on the wall is enough to put them off as it is a high end system with the name of the installer on the notice.

If posters don't want to get close to neighbours, get a wheelchair. They run a mile if you try to talk, in case they end up running errands for you. Suits me fine.

but how wonderful that these children feel comfortable playing at our house!

That's a matter of opinion!

I think this is incredibly sad. The right neighbours can be a great source of fun, and help.

yes the wrong neighbours can make your life hell - but usually if you get good ones, they can make a big difference to quality of life

A gate mate lock will do it.