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Original poster

You should never make friends with neighbours

147 replies

SelfEsteemInDiff · 04/08/2025 14:13

This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now. I’m in my 40’s and I am fed up of them. I think you (well me!) always imagine people will be respectful and decent like you are but obviously everyone is different. I stupidly thought unwritten rules that I follow everyone’s could too. We moved here 2 years ago. It’s our forever home, we will never move again (well that’s the plan) so I made a bit more effort than I usually do. I just feel the neighbours are taking the piss. Just one example the neighbours kids keep bothering us. I’ve politely told them we are busy but they keep trying to come into the garden. Not next door but they are 5 doors down. In comparison before my kids go there I text everytime and wait for a response before sending them.

how can I stop the kids becoming familiar with our garden? And feeling so at home they just open it? Gate doesn’t lock it’s just a latch. How can I respectfully stop being on friendly terms with them? Immediate neighbours we are civil but not friends. We say hi and bye and exchange pleasantries but that’s it. I want that! I think I made a mistake becoming friendly. Can I back away or what? I do have low self esteem so find these situations hard.

OP posts:
Whiningatwine · 04/08/2025 15:28

Get a lock.

Say to neighbour "I know your child likes to come into my garden, but I am having to look after my friends dog from time to time at the moment, so it's no longer safe for them to pop in. Can you make sure they know please"

godmum56 · 04/08/2025 15:35

Whiningatwine · 04/08/2025 15:28

Get a lock.

Say to neighbour "I know your child likes to come into my garden, but I am having to look after my friends dog from time to time at the moment, so it's no longer safe for them to pop in. Can you make sure they know please"

no never lie like this! I mean how long are you going to keep an imaginary dog? or the kids play together and littlie lets out that there never was a dog.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2025 15:39

Locutus2000 · 04/08/2025 14:32

My neighbours are some of my closest friends - living in flats it's essential to get on with each other. Been here six years and never feel lonely.

I can see where your mother's suggestion comes from, but you can't apply it as a blanket rule.

I moved into a new build development nearly 20 years ago. We made friends because we were all new. Some people have moved out and others moved in but it's still a friendly place to live. The OP's mother is wrong and if the OP now agrees with her she is also wrong. You can't make a blanket statement like that because of one bad experience.

nomas · 04/08/2025 15:49

I get what you mean, OP.

I'm very friendly to people who talk to me but I'm an introvert so it tires me out.

I now have to curb any impulse to make small talk with anyone in case leads to having to talk every day.

hazelowens · 04/08/2025 15:59

I discovered that when my kids were with their dad and I was at my boyfriends all the kids in the street were using my back garden as their own private play park. I only found out as my dad walked past and heard the noise and knew my kids and myself weren't there. My dad then was a big man, nearly 6 ft and had the build that would make you think twice about starting anything he also has a shouting voice that would scare the crap out of anyone that didn't know he is a big teddy bear. He shouted at these kids to get out the garden and not to return unless they were invited and if he caught them again he would go speak to their mum and dad.

So my solution for you is find a big man with a big voice to tell these kids you are busy but with you aren't you will send your kids to come and get them.

mummybear35 · 04/08/2025 16:07

Put a lock on garden door and a Ring doorbell so you can see who’s there before you answer it…hard for kids to bother you if 1. You don’t answer door when it’s them.
2.you don’t allow access to garden via gate.

cha04 · 04/08/2025 16:09

Isn’t this what we used to do in the 80s/90s? Just turn up! I think you’re overreacting. By all means tell them we’re busy and the kids will knock for you later but I love kids knocking for each other it’s a normal harmless thing to do

1abovethead · 04/08/2025 16:14

So the kids are just coming to see if your kids are free to play rather than the parent texting your first?

But that's just normal.

Our next door neighbours kid would just come through a hole in the hedge to play. If the back door was unlocked he would let himself in. I loved that! So nice that the kids organise their own play like this.

if it bothers you, put a lock on your gate. But don't expect the parents to text you. Kids can call on each other. Its normal. Its better than parents having to organise their life.

Krest · 04/08/2025 16:14

I think if anything, you being on friendly terms should make it easier to approach the neighbours with your concerns.

SerendipityJane · 04/08/2025 16:19

We make our friends.

We make our enemies.

But God makes our next door neighbours.

CarpetKnees · 04/08/2025 16:21

YABVVVU with your title.

I am still friends with people from our parents becoming friendly in the 1950s when they became neighbours.
People commonly look out for their neighbours. Outside of MN, people who get on with their neighbours look out for one another in all sorts of ways. My ds moved into a house last year and the (retired) neighbour brings his bin back in for him when he is at work. All normal, tiny, little things that make the world go round.

Re the issue you describe in your opening post, as everyone has said, it is pretty normal to have a bolt on your side gate or back gate. That's a you issue, not an issue with having neighbours who are nice.

GAJLY · 04/08/2025 16:23

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/08/2025 14:16

  1. Put a lock on your garden gate
  2. If the kids knock, open door and say “sorry we’re busy, not today” then close your door.
Edited

Exactly this 👆
In fact we had the same issue with a neighbour's child and this is exactly what we ended up doing. It nipped it in the bud.

Disturbia81 · 04/08/2025 16:23

Any comments about the lock suggestions OP?

1abovethead · 04/08/2025 16:23

MedievalNun · 04/08/2025 14:44

  1. Trip to B&Q (others are available) & buy two draw bolts, one for top and one for middle of the gate across the central bar + two padlocks. Attach bolts using the fixings that come with, then put the padlocks on and lock them. Garden access solved.

  2. Don’t answer the door to the children. Ignore them when they knock. If you don’t have a window that overlooks the door / glass in the door, get a camera doorbell. (These are also useful security). You don’t have to answer just because they knock. You only answer when your kids can go out / you’re happy for them to come into the garden with yours. They will soon get the message.

If you have met the parents, ask them to phone / text you before their children call over - say ‘oh little janet / john / we have such busy lives I prefer to plan play dates like this instead of just knocking as it saves your little harriet / harry being disappointed at being turned away’

Good luck.

I know OP liked this answer, but I just find it so miserable.

Why not just be delighted that your kids have local friends who want to play with them? Why put barriers in the way?

I will never, never understand parents who aren't just delighted that their kids have friends, are happy to have them come around and want to make it as easy as possible for their kids to have mates.

InBedBy10 · 04/08/2025 16:25

I think your mam was right. Very few people are lucky to have amazing neighbours. But ive seen and heard enough horror stories to think it's better to keep your neighbours at arms length. You can he polite and say hello, take in packages etc but never get too close. I know people who were great friends with their neighbours until they had a falling out. Living next to people you dont get alone with is a nightmare.

CherryAlmondLattice · 04/08/2025 16:32

Big barky dog 🐕

Fentyfan · 04/08/2025 16:34

Hmmm @SelfEsteemInDiff it sounds like you have changed - you were fine with it and now you are finding it wearing, and you probably need to talk to the parents about it.

I do think it’s a bit sad - is there a compromise solution where they’re fine to pop over Fridays after school or something like that but outside of that, can they text?

fgswhywouldIdothat · 04/08/2025 16:35

Tell the parents:

"I am starting a new career doing Only Fans and don't want to be disturbed thanks."

That should do it.

But seriously just get a big bolt.

BuildbyNumbere · 04/08/2025 16:36

Put a lock on the gate, very simple really. You should have one anyway for security purposes.

Isthisit22 · 04/08/2025 16:36

Are you purposely ignoring all the suggestions to get a lock/ bolt?

CarpetKnees · 04/08/2025 16:40

1abovethead · 04/08/2025 16:23

I know OP liked this answer, but I just find it so miserable.

Why not just be delighted that your kids have local friends who want to play with them? Why put barriers in the way?

I will never, never understand parents who aren't just delighted that their kids have friends, are happy to have them come around and want to make it as easy as possible for their kids to have mates.

Show quote history

I agree.

Apart from being nice for your dc, it's also much easier as a parent if dcs' mates are up the road / round the corner and they don't need to 'arrange' to go over and play at set times when you can take them.

BoswellTheScribe · 04/08/2025 16:40

SelfEsteemInDiff · 04/08/2025 14:13

This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now. I’m in my 40’s and I am fed up of them. I think you (well me!) always imagine people will be respectful and decent like you are but obviously everyone is different. I stupidly thought unwritten rules that I follow everyone’s could too. We moved here 2 years ago. It’s our forever home, we will never move again (well that’s the plan) so I made a bit more effort than I usually do. I just feel the neighbours are taking the piss. Just one example the neighbours kids keep bothering us. I’ve politely told them we are busy but they keep trying to come into the garden. Not next door but they are 5 doors down. In comparison before my kids go there I text everytime and wait for a response before sending them.

how can I stop the kids becoming familiar with our garden? And feeling so at home they just open it? Gate doesn’t lock it’s just a latch. How can I respectfully stop being on friendly terms with them? Immediate neighbours we are civil but not friends. We say hi and bye and exchange pleasantries but that’s it. I want that! I think I made a mistake becoming friendly. Can I back away or what? I do have low self esteem so find these situations hard.

As others have suggested, get a lock on the inside of the gate. You haven’t replied to any of these comments yet. Why?

When it comes to the kids knocking, just continue with what you’re doing. They’ll get the message eventually. How old are the kids? Maybe they could play out the front with your kids if it’s suitable rather than in the house/garden?

Manthide · 04/08/2025 16:44

We moved a few times when I was young, generally stayed about 8 years and my parents kept in touch with most of our neighbours until the neighbour died. They are going to an old past neighbour's 103rd birthday soon. They haven't been their neighbour for almost 40 years!
I was just checking on their house a couple of weeks ago as they were on holiday and whilst I was in the dining room a neighbour went past the window mowing my parents' front lawn.
Of course some neighbours need a wide berth!

kelpie9 · 04/08/2025 16:46

I agree with you OP.

If I see any neighbours I will say hi ot bye but that is it.

I have in the past become very friendly with neighbours and they just then take the piss and it so annoys me that i was friendly in the first place.

As to your situation can you put a lock on the gate?

JillMW · 04/08/2025 16:48

I hate the expression unwritten rules, how on earth does one family know what are the unwritten rules for another? I need telling but maybe that is my autism.