You should never make friends with neighbours

[SelfEsteemInDiff]

This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now. I’m in my 40’s and I am fed up of them. I think you (well me!) always imagine people will be respectful and decent like you are but obviously everyone is different. I stupidly thought unwritten rules that I follow everyone’s could too. We moved here 2 years ago. It’s our forever home, we will never move again (well that’s the plan) so I made a bit more effort than I usually do. I just feel the neighbours are taking the piss. Just one example the neighbours kids keep bothering us. I’ve politely told them we are busy but they keep trying to come into the garden. Not next door but they are 5 doors down. In comparison before my kids go there I text everytime and wait for a response before sending them.

how can I stop the kids becoming familiar with our garden? And feeling so at home they just open it? Gate doesn’t lock it’s just a latch. How can I respectfully stop being on friendly terms with them? Immediate neighbours we are civil but not friends. We say hi and bye and exchange pleasantries but that’s it. I want that! I think I made a mistake becoming friendly. Can I back away or what? I do have low self esteem so find these situations hard.

Which does in fact mean you stand by your title.

This
Lock on the inside of your gate ( even a slide bolt would work so not costly or difficult to fix ) and when they knock on the door say you’re busy/going out/have plans…….but be polite and firm……no need to upset anyone.

No, it doesn’t. Her title is something her mum used to say, it’s not OP ordering you not to be friends with your neighbours.

This - simple

I try to be polite and friendly without being overly familiar. I do take in parcels for them but I'm not looking to become close friends with any of them. There is one woman my age who was always talking quite personally about her husband and stuff to me which I didn't reciprocate and she was always fishing for more personal details which I didn't want to share. I think she ended up being quite pissed off with me and now flouncily blanks me if I see her in the street. Her problem I guess.

How can you stop ruminating? I literally think of things I may have done wrong all the time

mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok
mn told me to say that and its ok

its fine to tell children to go home and stop bothering us, you've been asked previously to stop this - so stop it

🤣

I think your post sounds contradictory. On one hand you want a fluffy cosy relationship with your neighbours, and feel life is too short for a sad solitary existance, and then on the other hand you are complaining that children want to play in your garden. Not too sure what it is your looking for?

Title - You should never make friends with neighbours

What OP said: This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now.

Another poster said her title was misleading because in fact she has only had beef with one neighbour.

OP then said - no, it's what my Mum says and I agree with her.

There's nothing about OP, or her Mum or anyone ordering anyone to not be friends with their neighbour.

I think it’s better to keep them all at arms length until you have weighed them up. Then if you think you’ll get on really well with X or Y make friends with them. I hate this idea that you’re somehow obliged to be friends with people just because they live nearby.

personally i think a keypad number type lock is easier as you don't need a key. Adults can know the code and access easily! don't make it difficult for you too :)

Wanting your peace and privacy doesn't make you a bad person. Nor does valuing close relationships with your neighbours. We say hello and take in parcels and have been known to cat-sit, but we don't have the time, or frankly, the bandwidth for more than that. Like pps, I've had the experience of moving onto a new estate, everybody being in each other's pockets, only to encounter some fairly important incompatabilities. Things were shaken down and people identified those they wanted to be friends with as opposed to those they preferred to keep on nodding terms, but it was a bit like the first term at a new school to begin with.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

OP you need to just keep practicing sending the kids away when you don't want them in the garden playing. I agree with the poster who said if you've said we aren't having people in to play today and they keep knocking walk them home and tell their mum they're confused.

You can be kind and smile and still say NO. And you don't need to feel bad about it and ruminate.

My littlest has pals that call for him, we just say yes or no! It's no big deal so try not to get anxious about it, it's absolutely fine to say no playing today!

And yes get a lock for your garden gate and a ring doorbell.

My son has actually made a sign with yes and no on each side that he holds up to the window sometimes when I don't even have the spoons to open the front door he just holds it up to the window! 🤣 And if he's out I put a note on the front door and they then don't knock at all.

I second this. You can be polite but firm.

and definitely get a bolt on your gate. Will keep these kids out as well as any chancers trying doors and gardens!

I would also say it's the middle of the Summer holidays next doors' kids are probably bored witless. In September it might just be much easier. Are you going away at all ? or on a day trip ?

So really your title should he
”Fed up with kids knocking for my kids”🤔

Definitely big lock on gate.
Short, sharp, false smile, " not today", close the door.
Children that would go into your garden uninvited are rude.
Be very form with them.
They are your responsibility in your garden.
Not without an invitation.

Oh that’s a good point @Neurodiversitydoctor it is summer - of course they’re at peak pain…and we’re all a bit overwhelmed

Not 'ordering' anyone, no, but asking if it is an unreasonable thing to state.

Many replies are saying it is an unreasonable thing to state.

my mother in law had a opening into the garden and her neighbours had right of way in case of builders or forgot what that was now. She had little metal garden gate and one could see through there into the garden. She said people started coming from her back door instead just ringing the bell or knock on the front door. So she bought and put a massive black out 2 m wooden gate

I had at least 5 neighbours when I moved here or when they moved, trying me and knocking on my door with the strangest request: give me matches - Sorry, I don't have matches and just cook a boiling hot soup, need to go. Bye.
Give me man's hairdressing gear - Sorry, my husband goes to the barbers, I am cooking boiling soup and am busy, need to go, bye.
And few other things in that order.

Have also come to this conclusion. My neighbour likes to message me every five minutes. You need pleasant distance. Don’t get too friendly. Also easier if a fence disagreement or something

IMO keep relationships cordial/friendly and polite, but always keep a distance.

If you get too familiar, the consequences of the fallout will almost certainly be larger and worse. And they are always there close to you, unless either you or they decide to move.

Have a pleasant conversation with their parents for heaven's sake. "We and our kids enjoy Simon and Miranda so much. But we aren't always able to keep an eye on them and their safety. It would be great if you'd tell them you need to call or text us to make sure it's a good time to visit. We'll do the same for you. Thanks so much."
Then put a bolt on the inside of your gate.