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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should never make friends with neighbours

147 replies

SelfEsteemInDiff · 04/08/2025 14:13

This is what my mum would tell us anytime one of us moved home. I thought she was crazy and felt it was a really sad existence but honestly I 100% agree now. I’m in my 40’s and I am fed up of them. I think you (well me!) always imagine people will be respectful and decent like you are but obviously everyone is different. I stupidly thought unwritten rules that I follow everyone’s could too. We moved here 2 years ago. It’s our forever home, we will never move again (well that’s the plan) so I made a bit more effort than I usually do. I just feel the neighbours are taking the piss. Just one example the neighbours kids keep bothering us. I’ve politely told them we are busy but they keep trying to come into the garden. Not next door but they are 5 doors down. In comparison before my kids go there I text everytime and wait for a response before sending them.

how can I stop the kids becoming familiar with our garden? And feeling so at home they just open it? Gate doesn’t lock it’s just a latch. How can I respectfully stop being on friendly terms with them? Immediate neighbours we are civil but not friends. We say hi and bye and exchange pleasantries but that’s it. I want that! I think I made a mistake becoming friendly. Can I back away or what? I do have low self esteem so find these situations hard.

OP posts:
Dippythedino · 04/08/2025 18:40
  1. Bolt the back gate
  1. Install a ring door ball & don’t open the door if they ring the bell
  1. Install a small animal pest detector as small kids find the ultrasound waves uncomfortable, not painful but irritating so kids won't hang around for long shttps://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/376423453863

Battery Ultrasonic Garden Deterrent Repeller Animal Bird Cat Scarer Pest Fox Dog 5055372304633 | eBay UK

Take the animal repeller out of the box. 1x Animal Repeller (Batteries are NOT Included). Sensitive PIR sensor and LED light, it will automatically detect the animal motions and transmit ultrasonic sound with LED light on.

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FinallyHere · 04/08/2025 18:42

Strong fences make good neighbours. Get a lock for that gate.

74Violette · 04/08/2025 18:43

I think it's good advice to keep it civil with neighbours but not too pally. I'll smile and say Hi and I'll take parcels in. There's a few different ones that I'll stop and have a quick chat with but I'm wary of getting too friendly. I've had more than my share of difficult, antisocial neighbours and when conflicts happen it's easier to complain or take issues to EH if you're not too involved with them.

pictoosh · 04/08/2025 18:51

We've lived in our house for 16 years and we are on friendly terms with most of the neighbours (there are a few we don't know at all) but we are not friends. It's ideal.

I too once made the mistake of getting to know neighbours and their kids. They can be a pest. You don't want to reject them as such but boy do you wish they would just go away.

I wouldn't entertain it these days but you live and you learn. Get a lock on that gate and get better at saying no. Good luck. x

Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 19:00

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/08/2025 14:16

  1. Put a lock on your garden gate
  2. If the kids knock, open door and say “sorry we’re busy, not today” then close your door.
Edited

This on repeat
You can also say please text first

WellIquitelikesprouts · 04/08/2025 19:00

It's not your fault that your neighbours are failing to monitor their children's interactions with you and other adults in the street or teach them consideration and respect, so don't feel bad about it. A good strong lock on the gate and a repeated 'Not now, we're all busy' should soon have an effect.

Thanksman · 04/08/2025 19:08

GasPanic · 04/08/2025 18:32

IMO keep relationships cordial/friendly and polite, but always keep a distance.

If you get too familiar, the consequences of the fallout will almost certainly be larger and worse. And they are always there close to you, unless either you or they decide to move.

I agree with you.

Jinkslinger · 04/08/2025 19:27

If it helps remind yourself that they are potentially trespassing and you could be in a difficult position insurance wise if they are on your property unsupervised. You are doing nothing wrong your garden is not a public playground do as others have suggested get a bolt and say no nicely consistently. Good luck and try not let them get to you

LegalllyBrunette · 04/08/2025 19:30

OP I could have written your post. We have some neighbours, again not next door but close, and the children are always coming into our garden and even into the house. Like you I really struggle to say something as I do like the parents but I know they're the ones being rude.

LegalllyBrunette · 04/08/2025 19:31

Like you, I read about it.

Winederlust · 04/08/2025 19:35

Hope the OP is out buying a lock as we speak...

RedRoss86 · 04/08/2025 19:49

Are these kids coming in to play with your kids?

JellyTipisthebest · 04/08/2025 19:49

If they are a nice family and children you could think long term. It's better to be the cool house on the street when you children are teenagers than not see yours because they are hanging out everywhere else. Knowing what your teenagers are doing is less stressful.

I no think you need to have boundaries just don't overdo it.

Hollieandtheivie · 04/08/2025 20:05

Acceptance and commitment therapy is helpful for rumination. Lots of helpful videos on YouTube from Russ Harris. He's a big name in it, and his videos are straight forward.

LegalllyBrunette · 04/08/2025 20:19

JellyTipisthebest · 04/08/2025 19:49

If they are a nice family and children you could think long term. It's better to be the cool house on the street when you children are teenagers than not see yours because they are hanging out everywhere else. Knowing what your teenagers are doing is less stressful.

I no think you need to have boundaries just don't overdo it.

Exactly the boundaries are still needed

godmum56 · 04/08/2025 20:51

GasPanic · 04/08/2025 18:32

IMO keep relationships cordial/friendly and polite, but always keep a distance.

If you get too familiar, the consequences of the fallout will almost certainly be larger and worse. And they are always there close to you, unless either you or they decide to move.

precisely this

AlpacaMittens · 04/08/2025 21:05

OP I had a very, very similar situation. Do you know what was the first thing I did? Fence. Gate. Two bolts.

Relationship with neighbours actually improved after this as I stopped being constantly frustrated with them.

Get a bolt. Actually get two bolts. Now. Well not now, tomorrow.

Original poster
SelfEsteemInDiff · 04/08/2025 22:56

Thank you all. Yes I am buying a bolt - I’m confused as I said this in reply earlier on and ppl still asking me! I think I am an introvert as having these kids over exhausts me, I feel I have to keep an eye on everyone however when my kids goes to theirs no one keeps an eye out.

OP posts:
Original poster
SelfEsteemInDiff · 04/08/2025 22:58

I just hate having them in my space as they just turn up. It’s not just one set of kids it’s quite a few - I don’t know why I made it sound like just one set m, maybe as it’s just one set that annoys me! I know I shouldn’t be annoyed with these kids. The other kids that come are lovely but this one families kids really wind me up, I don’t know why. I think it’s because one of them is really bossy and makes my youngest child uncomfortable

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 04/08/2025 23:04

My neighbour on one side is my best mate. We have a gate in the fence between our houses and the kids share the gardens. We also help each other with childcare and school runs so it’s lovely.

The neighbour on the other side is lovely too but the kids are nuts. They just walk in my front door! I try to remember to lock it but sometimes forget. Drives me crazy.

Disturbia81 · 04/08/2025 23:35

SelfEsteemInDiff · 04/08/2025 22:56

Thank you all. Yes I am buying a bolt - I’m confused as I said this in reply earlier on and ppl still asking me! I think I am an introvert as having these kids over exhausts me, I feel I have to keep an eye on everyone however when my kids goes to theirs no one keeps an eye out.

Can’t see it in your replies OP but glad you are getting one! Your reaction is totally normal btw, I couldn’t be doing with it either.

Theroadt · 04/08/2025 23:58

I am fairly amazed it took coming onto MN to work out you just needed to put a bolt on your gate…such an easy self-help. Good luck keeping them at bay, anyway 🤗

smithsgj · 05/08/2025 00:50

Bolt on gate, what about the postman?

The thread is quite confusing because it’s not really about difficulties with neighbours, but given the title people are replying as if it is. It seems that your children are really popular, OP :)

SouthernNights59 · 05/08/2025 01:48

InBedBy10 · 04/08/2025 16:25

I think your mam was right. Very few people are lucky to have amazing neighbours. But ive seen and heard enough horror stories to think it's better to keep your neighbours at arms length. You can he polite and say hello, take in packages etc but never get too close. I know people who were great friends with their neighbours until they had a falling out. Living next to people you dont get alone with is a nightmare.

I find that in real life most people don't "fall out" with others as much as they seem to do on MN. My parents would never have made such a ridiculous statement as OP's mother, they always made friends with their neighbours and there was never a falling out. In my 66 years, and several moves, I've never had bad neighbours and most have been great.

KiltyKaz · 05/08/2025 11:00

I had neighbours kids coming into my garden and it was a nightmare. Parents didn’t care ! They broke branches off my tree, up on my shed roof and much more. I put a lock on the gate , spoke to parents and they used to wait till we were out ! I then put 6ft panels along the fence and same height gate with sliding bolts on a side they couldn’t access. Finally it stopped them. I was worried incase l would be held liable if something happened especially since they were up shed roof. The ring doorbell is a great idea as you can see who it and choose not to answer. I love mine

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