Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

i agree that you need something to eat and drink if you’re out for a whole day, but most little children would much prefer a picnic with tiny sandwiches and little bits to nibble on. There’s absolutely no need to be paying for lunch and coffee at £4.50 a time. And why don’t you stay at home more to play? I’m sure your child would enjoy playing on the floor with you and their toys more than being dragged out for the day.

I voted YANBU because I dont think the way you’re doing it makes sense. I think you should have a joint account which you both have access to.

However, if you do do this, you’ll get a better idea of how the money goes. It’s not affordable to have these sort of soft play days frequently - some days need to be spent at home, or with free outings like to the park or walks in any countryside type places you have near you. They don’t have to come with coffee or ice cream.

So it’s a mixture between you being a bit unrealistic re the money and also the system you both have being a bit odd.

Flip it and calculate what OP would need to put a roof over her head, eat, etc.

Weird that in a couple who have agreed that one doesn't work, the frequent MN answer is to pretend they're not a couple and that the one who works should be grateful they don't have to pay to outsource childcare.

Why wouldn't OP be grateful she's being paid £600 a month for fun days, plus being housed and fed if it really comes down to costs?

It’s plenty! Bear in mind that you don’t HAVE to spend all of it every week. Some days, like going to the park or having coffee/a play at a friend’s are free. Some days, eg a mother and baby group at the local church or community centre, will be very cheap indeed. So it should all balance out really well between splurge days (the zoo or whatever) and cheap or free days.

I like your weekly plan, mainly as it involves a lot of cake!

Completely agree with the finding free activities and taking food. My toddlers favorite thing are getting to run around, point at trains and snacks (brought from home). In the absence of a train line I'm sure I could come up with an alternative.

Yabu.

No way would I be buying coffee and cake out most days. What a waste!

I think this is a very good point. It's a different lifestyle now so a mindset shift is required as to what is your normal. Neither is wrong, they just are a product of different circumstances.

If the OP isn't feeling too battered to come back, my toddler used to enjoy

Toddler in a box: get hold of a large cardboard box, strip toddler to pants/nappy, arm them with paints/stickers/crayons and let them loose.

Playground safari: drive through local villages and just stop whenever you see a playground. Take a picnic and a change of clothes for unexpected splash pad experiences. Better for older toddlers depending on your playgrounds.

The old classic buy a day bus ticket and just get on and off, sitting at the front if you can (only really works in a place with good buses). Works particularly well if you can let the child decide which bus to go on next.

Mumsnet really is a glimpse at very different lives.

You need to sit down with your partner and look at your budget. It sounds like you have no idea what money is available and what is needed for bills.

If your partner doesn't already have a budget for the mortgage/bills etc it would be a good idea to make one. You need to include all annual bills like insurances, memberships and MOTs and amounts for replacing a broken washing machine or repairing a car or roof.

It sounds like you have no idea if your partner can afford to give you more money to spend on days out without getting into debt.

Your partner earns 100k but they won't take home anything like that - and we don't know how big your mortgage is. If you are mortgage free then you probably can afford to be lavish.

I use YNAB for budgeting but there are probably many apps/spreadsheets.
This is a budget sheet from money saving expert.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Find out if you have spare money before you ask for more.

You also need to think about if you are putting money aside for holidays/ long term goals/ replacing the car etc.

Your money sounds plenty to me for entertaining a small child. Go to oaid activities some days and do free activities on other days. Very normal.

I’m budgeting more than I used too. Coffees and lunches out have gone, I make a packed lunch and bring a bottle of water instead. There are many things you can do that don’t cost much (park, playground, swimming pool etc) and you still have £30 a day for activities. It should be enough really. Spend less on some of the days then you can afford a lunch out if you really want one. However, I don’t know exactly how much your OH can afford and what your other outgoings are so can’t give an opinion on if he is being stingy or not!

Agreed!! What on earth?!!

That should be one treat day a week. I never had that every week!

We mostly did the park, story time at the library etc. Occasionally into town to the museum which has an aquarium, dinosaurs etc. I mostly only spent on bus fares to the museum and a cheap lunch. Park and library trips - free.

Except this would be more expensive for him

Generally do you burn through money very easily?

£150.00 a week is excessive.

Be prepared take a picnic to have in the park after soft play. Much more fun than sitting in a cafe. You could get a box of 3 ice creams from a supermarket. Even if 1 goes to waste still cheaper than an ice-cream parlour.

OP you are wasting money and have nothing to show for it (and I have been a big spender in my time).
Also be aware tax is high/very high now and likely to increase even more!
Try to actually save!

Agree. This is as much about setting budgets for different areas of spending. Hence my question to OP about the joint adult-focussed fun stuff like meals out and holidays. It's useful to know that you don't want to spend more than the £150 on this specific area.

£150 pw is a super high entertainment budget. Presumably weekend fun with your h is paid by him so you only have to cover 5 days with that?

Your child is nursery age so is the perfect age to do free/low cost stuff with you maybe buying an ice cream or hot drink if the weather is hot/cold. Your child is the perfect age for packed lunches and if you plan the day better and go to soft play after lunch then you can avoid having to buy it when out.

You are VERY out of touch. £650 is literally our food budget for the month for a family of 4, and you think is not enough for during the week leisure? You are listing what you spent today, so I am assuming you think SAHM go out to paid activities and lunch out every single day with their toddlers?

Going for walks (pram), feeding the ducks, picnic in park. Honestly toddlers don’t need much. I think you are not putting thought into this. Kids get increasingly expensive not less so, so get into frugal habit now.

A 28-year-old in 1995 was born in 1969 so Gen X, not boomer. Neither generation spent loads of money on 'extras' - Gen X spent more than boomers, but still nothing compared to millennials and Gen Z.

The cost of three coffee-shop drinks, five days a week, would cover approx £40k extra on a mortgage or, perhaps more relevantly, £3,500 a year towards your deposit.

Obviously things are more complex than that, but it does get a bit wearing when younger generations assume we all lived the same kind of life as them while affording our incredibly cheap houses (on 15% interest).

OP, I don't know whether your 'allowance' is reasonable in your particular household, but you are spending more than most SAHMs do on toddler entertainment.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, OP - in my experience, activities like this aren’t an every day thing…

There are loads of free / very cheap things to do with a toddler - library, parks, even going on walks. Some of my favourite days with mine were spent walking locally, letting the children take in and learn about their surroundings, people, flowers, trees, dogs, feeding the birds - there is a big, wide world out there for them to learn about - it’s not contained to a ball pit and lunches of overpriced food…

You need to look at a budget and then plan your days around it. You don't need to be out of the house every single day and you don't need to do paid activities every day. You don't need to buy lunch every time you are out. Look at various play parks outside your area but near enough to travel to. Look at doing something, say swimming, then going home for lunch.

There are often free museums dotted around, and there are toddler groups etc that are cheap and social. Libraries have cheap or free events.

You need to decide where you want to spend your money and then when its gone its gone.

Also, sit down with him and look at the family finances together, so that you both know what the finances and family budget are. you will then see if there is any more that you could ask for. He does need to provide for you to a degree if he wants you to take this year off.

£150 a week - and you're still whining. Unbelievable. Get a grip.

Exactly. He is budgeting more than 10% of his wages after tax for their during the week fun. He'd have to budget on weekends family home, and all other bills. People are crazy saying he should give more.