Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

This cannot be real? £600 a month on days out, lunches, coffees, toys and soft play! Thats an extortionate amount. You do t need to go out every day, and you do t need to spend money every day on ‘stuff’. Play with your child at home, make lunch and make a coffee at home!

Surely you talked about all this and saved/budgeted for it before you made the decision to give up work? I don’t understand why anyone would want to be a ‘kept’ woman and expect a man to fund their so-called independence in the 21st century anyway.

And jump in muddy puddles?

I've experienced this kind of financial control, im a grandparent now so here's my old view, you need the £600 put in your bank in a lump monthly not dropped to you week by week, that's why its infuriating, you can not really plan anything that great because you always end up waiting for the next drop, you can't save, or plan stuff that might be more exciting than coffee and softball, or something that requires membership or sports or dance clothing etc, his wage doesn't get dropped on bit by bit week by week so why should yours ? Or ge can hire a nanny that would charge triple and want paying monthly.

Do you realise how lucky you are to be in a financial poistion to CHOOSE to have a career break, not send your child to childcare and spend every day with him?! But you’re irritated at the thought of taking a flask out on days out because having a toddler all day is hard. I love a take out coffee we all do but cmon! It’s a treat not an everyday thing. I’m sure you have a nice fancy coffee machine at home already as your post seems v entitled as it is. Does your child need an ice cream everytime you step out the door? I understand soft plays aren’t cheap like they used to be and sometimes the policy is you can’t take your own food in however like everyone else is saying have lunch before/after. Soft play lunch isn’t the nicest either. I’m sure your son isn’t bothered where he eats lunch. We have £200 a month for fun money which is a stretch because that’s also for weekends, clothes, and activities that are pre bookable months in advance like Christmas lights etc. From the sound of it your budget is between Mon-Fri that makes it even worse that you think your poor partner is stingy😅 I’m intrigued to how you pay for things like hair/beauty treatments (if you get these ofc) is this savings or do you expect your husband to pay for these too? Everyone who’s asked hasnt had a reply as far as I can see. Just remember you wanted a year off, you are very lucky that you’re getting that. £150 a week is more than enough to create gorgeous memories. Stop worrying about coffee and lunch out.

OP having now read more of your responses can I ask why you have chosen to take a career break? You do not come across as though you are enjoying it and therefore it is probably not in everyone’s best interests. Did you envisage it being different to the reality you are now faced with and this is what you are struggling with? While you are off what is happening your pension contributions/savings etc.? Maybe the conversation you should be having is that you feel you should perhaps resume your career if your new position is available earlier and you can get childcare. Maybe take some time at the weekend when DH can take your toddler to write yourself a pros/cons list and work out what is going to fulfill you and make this happen. If you are not happy it will impact those around you. In this day and age there is no requirement for a woman to stay home to provide childcare and if you are wanting a more homely environment have you looked at a nanny rather than a nursery place. It seems your spending is more about filling something for you and while an increase may initially help you may find yourself in the same position in a few months again. If I am way off just ignore but food for thought.

Well they don't give them away for free!!

@Tupaas What disposable income does he have? Another £50 isn't a lot. No way should you be spending out of your savings when you're SAHM, looking after your joint child. It would cost him a lot more if he had to oat a nanny or nursery.

any reason you don't just have access to a joint account?

people saying that's a lot to spend or it IS a luxury day out, are out of touch in the other direction.

Have you looked for free activities in your area? Things like parents and toddlers groups, library activities (many hold free sessions for rhyming/music etc),or even just go to the library and look at books. Museums are free if you have one nearby - my kids loved looking at skeletons and stuffed animals there. Sometimes I go just one stop on the train because it's cheap and the little ones like it, or even hang out at the railway or bus station - toddlers usually love this stuff. As for bottled water - why on earth would you spend money on something when you can get it free out of the tap (and with presumably far fewer microplastics in it)?

Mmm… £20 a day for outings. Every day! It feels “miserable”.Does it? Is there anything better than a picnic on a warm day that you’ve made? Dairy Lea triangles, crisps, drink, and a bit of home made cake to share. Why are you buying bottles of water? Are there not zoos or similar that do a yearly pass? And yes - take a thermos - often the queues are awful. How is the day manic? It’s one child and you can pack most of the picnic the night before. Sorry to sound less than sympathetic but a little reframing probably wouldn’t go amiss.

Just noting that even SAHMs from wealthier families can get the NIC pension credits from child benefit. You need to register to claim the benefit and then opt to not actually get paid it because partner over the threshold. This means the stay at home partner had their state pension protected

Enjoy being with your toddler this time is fleeting. Toddlers don’t need to be constantly stimulated. They need a bit of fresh air each day - a walk to the park, feed ducks. A slow stroll exploring the road.

They like to help - give them a dust pan and brush and a duster, let them help fold clothes and wash up.

Go to the library or a mother and toddler group.

Being able to be with your toddler is a privilege these days as so many people have to work now and miss out on being home.

Blime! Some mums on here clearly think you are nuts. I'm a gran, but I worked part-time and days with kids were spent at cheap mother-and-toddler groups, grandparents, other kids houses, the local park. In our small town there were no soft play areas - and even if there had been it would have been a once-a-month treat. Libraries ran reading sessions with refreshments for kids.

You are spending more on this fun stuff than many pensioners have in total - and they still have fun!

£600 a MONTH for fun with your toddler and you think that's stingy? Oh my God. Sorry but that's mad. I have no idea how you can possibly spend it all.
I'd think half of that was loads.

^ This. Your local library & also free museums will have lots of free activities (like storytelling, crafts,) for children. You don't need to be frittering money away on nasty 'supermarket toys' that are just going to clutter up a landfill.

Rambling and map reading and outdoor activities (blackberry picking) on sunny days. I loved spending Summer days as a child learning about insects and plants from my father on walks. He used to carry a few pocket books and we would find out stuff. Later, we would go out with colouring pencils and paper and sketch things. Idyllic childhood memories (I'm 58)... my mother with her thermos & boiled eggs if we got hungry.

Thousands of SAHMs would swap places with you. I find it difficult to sympathise with your ‘problem.’

Throwing money at having the toddler out of nursery isn't going to help OP.

You realise you can go out all day and spend £0.

If packing and picnic is beneath you, then maybe go back to work or use your savings.

You're right in not being good at budgeting, £15 for regular lunches on top of everything else per day is wasteful.

I’m in the same situation and get by on £400/month in London without feeling too stretched, minus regular classes for my child (which are prepaid by my husband). The £400 also includes my own spending money (eg coffee on a weekend or dinner out with a friend), so if you are purely using it for expenses related to days out with your child I think £150/week is more than reasonable.

My husband is on over £100k too and I’m a stay at home mum with 3 little ones 4 and under and I manage on £440 a month somehow haha. I would love £600! He pays for all bills etc, and saving for our new house so it’s just my mine and the kids money for play. I find national trust membership handy! And yes flask and picnics but it’s is so expensive to go out and about you just have to get used to doing low cost days and maybe doing soft play once a month as a special treat as that can be expensive

Wow I read this as £150 a month and thought maybe a little stingy. 150 a week for lunch and coffees! Surely you don’t do like soft play etc and lunch out every day? What do you spend it on??

Why? You don't have to have a coffee and a bottle of water each time you go out. Take a bottle of water with you. Not to mention lots of ice creams for your DS can't possibly be good for his teeth and overall health. An ice cream should be a treat, maybe once a week at most.

DS's fiancee doesn't work due DS's work pattern, so she stays at home looking after DC. DS gives her £800 a month and she buys the food shopping out of that! Her only other income is CB x 2. Mind you, she cooks from scratch and is a marvellous housekeeper.

Oh, lol! Get back to work.

Wow! I’ve been a stay at home mum with my three children (2,4 and 6) for the last 6 years (go back to work in September) and I’ve always had £25 a week which has been adequate! Sure, I probably would have liked a little more but I’ve made do because we don’t have a ton of spare cash. £150 a week is MORE than enough, surely?

Are you joking? I get transferred 180 a week and that has to cover all bills all food and anything else we need
150 a week just to spend on anything would be heaven

When my kids were little I was a SAHM and wasn’t on a particularly tight budget. I had quite a few seriously wealthy friends. We never spent anything resembling that sort of money. I would say we might have taken the children out for lunch once or twice a week max, although probably did quite a few coffees which was coffee for the mums and a choice of crisps / cake OR a juice for the kids (twe did go out but, 9 times out of 10 we all took packed lunches for the children, regardless of our income. Not only was it cheaper but then we knew they were eating what we wanted them to eat. We went to the park and had lunch on the benches quite often in summer and would have play dates most afternoons where we would all feed each others kids at 5pm and obviously weren’t eating out then. Sometimes there was ice cream, sometimes we said no because they didn’t need anymore sugar. The children had their water bottles with tap water - why would you be buying them water?

It's a DP, so not married.

If anything, OP should be saving in case the relationship breaks down.

She's being irresponsible and the positive is she knows she's bad at budgeting, so hopefully will rethink her spending habits.