Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Wow My 4 have been out 3 days in a row 2 different parks then a free gardens and park today, they had a nice ice cream when we got home today that i got on offer from Tesco for £2.50 for 4! so £2.50 in total for 3 days out for 4 children who all had a great time. lunches were things we had in from the food shop.
Toddlers don't really care what they are doing and they are not going to remember it in years to come, but to be fair it sounds more like its what you want. They are more than happy going to the park, a wander round the forest, play doh, baking, painting, playing in water etc and these all cost next to nothing to do. Even if you have the money it seems like an awful waste.

You’re only going to get people that would be buzzing with that amount of money whilst not working (me included) but I think context is needed. 100k a year is a lot and I think it depends on a few things:

Does he spend money on himself / hobbies which exceeds £150 per week? If so, then it’s not unreasonable to expect that you have more as there are two of you.

Can you afford it? If your mortgage and bills are high then of course he may not actually have more than £600 per month spare on top of saving etc.

How much do you save by not sending son to nursery?

On balance I think it’s a good amount but I do understand that it soon adds up when you’re out and about every day - £30 only really covers lunch and soft play etc depending on where you live. Every time I leave the chuffing house it cost me £80 but I do have 2 kids with me. I don’t think your husband is stingy but he’s probably being careful.

If he can afford it then maybe meet in the middle and ask for £175 a week ha.

I hope this isn’t a wind up as I’ve spent ages typing that 😂 I don’t think you need advice really as you sound successful but I like to try and chuck in a ‘no spend day’ once a week where I go to the park and take food from the house etc but inevitably we end up buying ice cream but it does make me feel a bit better.

Yeah when I was a SHM I took my drinks with me, never got a hot drink would look for free things to do , don't think I bought a lunch even one time. I was aware we were living on one salary and husband was on close to that. I saw it as a luxury to be a stay home mom so I took packed lunches and 100k is not so much after paying taxes for 3 people- he will lose what 40% to taxes so that is 3 of you living on 60 k- you can't afford lunches and hot drinks if you want to save up for uni tuition.

I didn’t say that she should be given half his monthly wage. I said she should have free access to the account that the family income goes into. Do you not think almost £6000 per month isn’t enough for 2 adults and a child to live extremely comfortably? Do you live in Monaco or something?

I would say it's life style thing, what's reasonable for one might not be another. It does depend on earning but also on people's attitude towards money. Some people would rather forego luxuries even if can afford them and go through the hassel and save money. It just seems like you and your partner have different attitudes towards money and as you're relying on him you have to compromise and negotiate.

Is it not just the case they have different saving 'pots' for different things? Even though myself and husband share our money, we do have it in different accounts for different purposes e.g one account has the main household bills, another is more an emergency fund/yearly expenses account.
It may be that she has access to the 'toddler' account for funding these trips as it sounds like other bills come from other funds.

I think the main things to consider are

1. Whether she actually wants this 'career break' aka being a SAHM
2. What the household budget is. As others have said if the mortgage payment is high and other bills are also high (I am thinking water in some parts of the country) then maybe there isn't as much disposable income she thinks there is. Others have also said what fun money does her partner have. If he is spending much more than that on himself each week then that would seem unfair that he is limiting her spending.
3. What savings they both have. If the OP is dipping into savings, what long term provision does she or they as a couple have.
4. Are there issues involving debt, especially with the OP. Her initial posts even states how if she asked for more money for coffee her partner would say to get a flask, so is she known for being a spender hence him trying to limit this. Do they just have a clash of lifestyles e.g. OP mixing in circles where they go for coffee and lunch, whereas they don't have the budget for that and the partner is fed up of funding this and not what they originally believed would be the case if OP gave up work

To be fair, I wouldn't give OP free access to my bank account if I was her DP.

Let alone when in september funding goes to 30 hours for all working families getting less than £200k

The competitive under spending thing on this thread is pretty repetitive

I don't think he should be transfering you an allowance you should just have access to the money.
Why don't you have joint access for all money?

I have a baby and a toddler and as a SAHM my partner gives me £200 a week for fun activities and myself (I don't pay for bills, mortgage or groceries, kids clothes) BUT I do not spend it all and it's actually more than enough.

I am saving it for big trips out and overnight stays.

There are free things to do OP like library, craft sessions at church, various parks, feeding the ducks, visiting friends or family, play date, trip to the museum, taking children out to to ride bicycles, painting / doing craft in the garden.

My children do like to eat out for breakfast or lunch but that's probably once or twice a week, I just take lots of snacks from home and pack their water bottles.

Well that’s not really being fair then, is it? OP has sacrificed her career/ body/ health to presumably be pregnant and give birth, and go on maternity. And now, doing what she feels best for their child. For £600 a month from her husband to buy all their child’s clothes and activities, and nothing towards her own expenses? No thanks.

She didn't have to stop working though. She suggested it and said her partner was happy with this and would support her.
I don't understand why people act like it's one person who makes the decisions and women sacrificing their career. She wasn't forced to give up work and mentions having a job available to her. I just don't think being at home is what she was expecting it to be and is finding it 'grim' and 'miserable'.

It is rather unclear though what she wanted from this career break as she hasn't really answered questions about whether she was wanting to use this time to look for another job or to look at doing a course to feed into something else.

If the OP's partner earns over £100k, which the OP says he does, they won't be eligible for the 30 free hours.

Depending on location, you'd expect to pay around £1,500 minimum for a full-time nursery place (over £2,000 in London).

If based in London, the OP would have to earn almost £30,000 just to cover childcare costs alone, nothing else.

Things get slightly better when the universal 15 "free" hours kick in at 3, but even then you're really only talking a very modest discount to the monthly invoice.

For families where one partner earns over £100k, they do have to ask themselves if it's worthwhile for both parents to work in the preschool years. Often it actually costs rather than saves money (especially if more than one child) and is done to preserve career progression rather than anything else.

Here was me thinking £150 a week for soft play and coffee was loads! that’s £600 a month! More than my mortgage.
When my kids were small we would do soft play once a week or less. We would go to local playgroups which would cost £2-3 which would include a coffee for me. Or we would go to the parks which would be free other than maybe one ice cream. soft play and ice cream and lunch and coffee is an expensive day out. I never buy lunch at soft play. Maybe one cup of tea and a bag of crisps for the kids.

Being given an allowance would drive me mad, its not the 1950s

You asserted that she was saving him £1000 a month in childcare fees. I simply corrected that error
By choosing not to bring in a wage,she isn’t saving him money. She’s costing it

Which is fine if everyone is happy and can stick to a fair and reasonable budget. The OP appears to struggle with this concept so would be a risk too far imo to have full access to my accounts. Especially as they are not married

And no,I do not live in Monaco. I live in the real world where budgets are finite

@Dunnocantthinkofone . Whether or not she's costing their family money depends on how much she would be earning were she working. Unless significantly over £30k, it's likely her not working is having a negligible effect on the family budget.

Many people don't appreciate how steep the £100k cliff-edge is for high earners, and the "trap" it presents to lower-paid partners.

Where does it say she gets nothing towards her own expenses?

It says that she gets £600 a month for all her child's activities and spends, which also includes the occasional coffee, ice-cream and lunch out for her. She's hardly scraping by.

I'm also not really fussed whether you think it's fair or not - someone who fritters away £600 on soft play and coffee each month and then complains it's not enough isn't someone I would trust with my bank account.

i think £600 is a lot if it’s just to spend on fun stuff. Way more than I had when I was at home with a baby and a toddler. Maybe have a coffee at soft play and have lunch when you get home if you feel it’s too much? To me that wouldn’t have been a normal day out that would have been a treat for them.

I do get the point, but if I got a year off work to spend with my child and my DH gave me £600 a month to spend on days out, coffee and lunch I'd not be on here moaning that it wasn't enough, that's for sure.

Yeah possibly. Without further info from the now (not unsurprisingly) absent OP I agree it’s not possible to say
I was simply refuting the fact that a previous poster claimed she was saving her OH £1000 a month within their overall joint budget- which to me does not add up even remotely

Wish I had £600 a month to spend on 'incidentals'. Why not go to the park and take food and drinks from home? Why do you need to buy toys in supermarket as a regular expense?

Homemade coffe and sandwiches are so much more delicious. Make some with DS and you'll honestly save so much, encourage your boy to be frugal, save the planet ect. £150 is very generous.

@Tupaas Forget about a young DS... the majority of adults have nowhere near £600 a month for "fun" expenses.