Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

I think posts like this are missing the point that the £150 pw is not all of op's money to live on - if it was I'd agree with you! It's money purely for going out and about with one toddler and it's more than sufficient for that purpose. So it IS coming out of the family budget - it's money provided for the child's activities and associated expenses (eg lunch for them both at soft play).

It's more money than I ever had 'spare' with2 adults working a full time job with 3 children. Lunch out was a very special treat .
However as a partner...being given an allowance would irk me. If the decision was joint , sorting a joint budget and stick to it. I couldn't work in a partnership where I wasn't treated as an equal. And yes, I have been in a situation where one or other wasn't working and the money has been shared. Trust . Partnership.

Are magazines madness, my DC loved their comics as did I?

I think she was joking. It would be very likely this couple already own their house.

JFC, I spend probably £600 (maybe even less!) per YEAR on this stuff. You get that per month? You are totally deluded and need to rein in your spending before your toddler is old enough to call the shots.

Get a grip, and if your DH is reading this, have words with yourself about how much money you need to fund a toddler's entertainment.

She says she uses her own savings for her personal wants.

Who doesn't love a magazine! But not every time you go to the supermarket.

My kids get one at the beginning of the summer holidays, they are preschoolers though.

I think you're being unreasonable about the amount, OP. £150 a week really is plenty for activities with one toddler. You don't need to do expensive things like soft play every day, they're a treat. There are plenty of fun and free things around. When the weather's nice, go to the park. Take some snacks and drinks with you so that you don't always have to buy them. You'll find your costs come down quite a bit with a little planning.

If it was me, though, I'd want the financial planning to be more of a shared responsibility, and your partner's income to be seen as the family income which you collectively plan. The fact that you're not working at the moment shouldn't change the fact that you are two people living on a household income. I wouldn't want to just be told how much was being transferred, and what it was being transferred for.

just fyi, @CantHoldMeDown

@Tupaas said

"For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k"

I said approximately (~) 6k

Used this to calc on estimated 110k

No, the max it would be is £5,713 (assuming no pension payments) and depending on how much pension contributions are, any student loan repayments, tax rate adjusted for employer benefits such as health care, it could even be less than £5k.

When you look at it that way, £650 per month just for days out with a toddler - after all household expenses are paid - is actually a very significant chunk of the remaining money.

£150 per week is plenty!

Soft play does not need to be everyday. If its dry, take child out to the park or the beach.

Buy in some crafting bits and bobs for the house when the weather is shit.

I spend about £50 per week on activities etc, sometimes less, for my child.

There’s a bit of a grey area though, eg soft play entry is entertaining the child, but the parent’s coffee isn’t really is it? Lunch with friends afterwards is not strictly speaking a necessary spend on the child if it’s in a more upmarket place that the parent and their adult friends wanted to go to, to have a nice catch up. So the OP’s £150 / week possible covers personal spend as well as child’s entertainment.

We personally can’t be bothered to pick apart every spend to decide which bank account it should be covered from but, as a PO mentioned upthread, opening the family budget up to a spender will lead to lots of money being frittered away (our SAHP acknowledges this). So our compromise is to agree some basic rules around family budget spend - eg one meal out at a restaurant a week and if the SAHP wants to do more, then that’s on them to fund. Snacks / coffees / ice creams are sometimes from home, but a sensible amount can be bought out (this took a bit of self-discipline to implement, but we’re comfortable with the balance we have now).

I wish I had money for lunches out and ice cream/coffee every week let alone every day. It's pretty luxurious to me.

She's not pleading poverty though. She says her husband is a high earner and she probably has a good job too. But things do change and she should at least keep up her pension payments.

I agree. She and her husband are evidently quite high earners and if you've been at work until recently, buying a latte every day feels pretty normal.

Having said that, it definitely is cheaper to make a picnic, and I always found it was easier to feed DD if I had little tubs of fruit / cheese / veg / breadsticks with me as she'd graze whereas she didn't like to sit at a table in a soft play for long enough to eat the (wildly overpriced) fish fingers.

No it's exactly the point

Oh, wow. I'm looking after my little one at the moment (going back to work in a month). I have 150 euros a month (kids' money from the state) and I buy presents, some clothes, going out etc. I guess I'm rubbish at this hahaha. I didn't even think to ask for "fun money".
Overall, 150 pounds a week seems plenty to me!

And with £150 a week she can quite easily buy a latte a day and still have plenty of money left over 🤣

What I don't understand is that the OP can buy 6 coffees, 6 ice creams, 6 lunches and 3 soft play entrances and still be in budget. So even throwing money around there's still enough...

£600 a month for taking the little one out, lunches and coffees is alot. There's so many free activities to do. Where I live there's lots of big parks, farms etc that are all free. Making a lunch and taking it with you or planning your day so you eat at home will be much cheaper. Even just having a day at home playing- my kids quite like days at home. Play dates with friends etc. If you try to maybe budget the £600 better through the month, you'd have plenty left over for weekend coffees I think and then some

@Tupaas Please don't feel too badly from all the negative comments. It is an adjustment you can make and I'm guessing that you miss the social contact with adults that you got from work. If your friendship group has a bigger budget than you then any budget can seem inadequate. There will be plenty of toddler classes, playgroups etc in September so have a look and try a few.
You have plenty of time, so try walking, cycling or getting the bus to places. If a friend suggests meeting at a soft play offer a picnic and play at a local park instead. Buy picnic things in a local shop or supermarket is still cheaper than eating in a cafe and better for your toddler to be outside where they can be active.

Don't forget you can pay into a pension even if you aren't earning and claim child benefit to credit your state pension.

You don’t need to buy a bottle of water ever time you go out, surely? Buy a refillable if you don’t have one….

my dh earns much more than yours and I think you are spending a crazy amount. What a waste!

Id normally agree but it sounds like the op could easily spend a lot more and maybe has been or could easily be in debt if given free reign maybe there has been history

Why are you taking a career break to be with your toddler if you find the reality of it miserable?

My DC are older now, but as toddlers the day you describe would have been a once a month treat, not several times a week. Go to church hall play groups, go to the park or the woods, play games at home. Bake, do crafts, have a kitchen disco!

I initially thought you were taking about £150 per month and I still thought that was fine. And I'm in an expensive city.

Op can make days out far cheaper than she is but doesn’t want to. She’s not enjoying being a stay at home parent so it trying to alleviate that by getting a dopamine hit from spending money.

Good spot from the poster who noticed you referred to the year as a career break rather than a year of being a stay at home parent.