Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

You don’t give a spender free access to a joint account full of money or you end up broke

a better idea is to sit down together , look at the figures across the board , work out what savings are for ( eg repairing a hole in OP pension pot)

OP doesn’t have to go into savings - she is choosing to do so because she has habits that most of us can’t afford to have so are clearly not essential

She doesn’t need to dip into her savings - that’s a choice she’s making as she’s decided £600 a month isn’t enough to keep her toddler entertained 🫣

You appear to be suggesting that those of us with jobs or without large allowances don't understand the cost of things

I'm guessing from the posts here that also most of us don't equate giving your toddler a good time with spending loads on money which, to be frank, is pretty obvious. How is your child going to learn to amuse themself or be bored?

You said it, I do think you sound spoilt

How am I missing the point? She’s asking if she’s out of touch by thinking £150 per week isn’t enough and I’m pointing out I don’t even have £150 per month “fun money”. It’s perfectly the point 🙄

Thank you

They've agreed a family budget of £150 a week (£650 a month) for general day to day entertainment for the toddler. Most families agree budgets for different types of expenditure. If the budget was particularly restrictive, then yes, it would be controlling. But as this thread almost overwhelmingly shows, it's not restrictive.

Redskydelight hi, thank you for your reply and I totally see where you are coming from. I wrote from my own experience, which upon reflection was unhelpful. I’m half a world away from the UK and on a farm. We have space and are also quite remote, therefore thoughts or the practice of daily outings doesn’t/didn’t happen. I suspect if I lived in a town or city I’d see things differently.

It was unfair of me to compare our dissimilar situations.

Yes, exactly. £100k, after tax and a moderate pension contribution is actually only around £5,500 a month net. £150 a week is around £650 a month when taken across the year…so a reasonable chunk. Certainly more than 10% though!

That's alot. My partner gives me 200 a month and thats usually enough. Alot of things we do don't cost any money.

And I imagine that if her partner increases it to, say, £250 a week she'll find more expensive and elaborate things to do, and more expensive lunches for herself, that'll burn the £250 quickly.

Sounds as if OP has never had to work to a budget and as if she equates more expensive with 'better', which isn't true for kids. Use some imagination, OP, and teach your child to use theirs.

That is an awful lot of money for the week. From what you seem to be saying is you never stay home with your toddler, why? This is precious time making, not buying, play dough and getting the child to help, baking cakes and cookies and letting them help and decorate. Doing paintings, have a sofa day of watching their favourite movies. My kids loved a picnic, even now they are 16, 17 and 21, if we go out for the day I'll do a picnic, beach, zoo or park. Obviously the 21 yr old doesn't always come anymore. My kids remember the childhood picnic so love them now they are older. You do you obviously and im not trying to criticise but this time is precious. When they go to school they come home tired, have their tea (or dinner depending on where you live 😆) have a bath, and read a book with them at bedtime. You really only have weekends for fun stuff. They grow up so fast. Enjoy this time its precious

It all depends on where you live and how big your mortgage is. In Central London, £150 would barely cover parking and soft play! Plus, you're not allowed to take your own food or drink in with you and what they sell is always way over-priced. I think on his salary he could probably afford £200 per week. What's that, about 1/10th of what gets? Does he set himself the same allowance for daily expenses, or does he get free reign? If it's the latter, then I smell the stink of patriarchy at play!

Well, on reflection, no, I wouldn't. Why does the OP spend all this? I mean soft play etc are treats, not weekly events for most people, surely? How many coffees at £4.50 is she buying? Going to a coffee shop is also a bit of a treat (assuming you like coffee)? And would you want to with a toddler?
Thinking about it, I think OP's DP is practising damage limitation. OP has no idea of economy at all. Nor priorities? What's wrong with the library and reading to said DC, getting a coffee there (my DD's local library has an inexpensive cafe, for example) or taking a picnic to the park?

Surely you don't take your DC to mini gold every day in the holidays? That would be a Summer holiday/party treat for most people. It really isn't necessary to spend much money on entertaining one toddler. Trips to the park, the library, local beauty spots, walks to the local shops, home baking, friends houses are free or very cheap.

But he's not doing it 5 days a week a couple of times a week maybe. You don't take a toddler to soft play everyday it's neglecting other areas of development for a start.

We live in a City - but when I had a toddler and baby while I was on Mat Leave, it was mostly free activities; trips to playgrounds, walks in woods, the library for singing time, free museums/galleries or those where you paid once and got a year's entry. Mine loved browsing charity shop toy sections. We always took packed lunches, definitely took water bottles with us - an ice cream was a treat/ditto a takeaway coffee, and they weren't £4 they were £2 from the bakery. Friends came round or we met in parks. This was common among all my Mum friends. I went to the weekly toddler groups at local church, which was £2 for the morning, parents got tea/coffee and kids got a biscuit (ended up running that on my day off when I went back to work - it's still running). Soft play would be a treat. I didn't have access to a car in the day so we walked/bused everywhere. You are thinking of the things my friends and I think of as treats - as daily occurrences so I see why you are going through the cash quickly.

I don’t get the comments about ‘saving on nursery fees’ at all - presumably if you are paying for nursery you are also working and bringing in income too. Even at its most expensive time with 1 child I was still £700 a month up after paying nursery and that was many years before any fee hours etc - I can see with two at nursery age it might make sense to take a good amount of time off- the way some posters talk it’s as if you are paying for nursery but not earning and contributing either - maybe some do actually do this but I’ve never known anyone personally well enough off to be doing this . ( with the exception of a totally loaded family I nannied for 6 months in London ) - she didn’t work at all , but still had a nanny and a housekeeper too.

There is a possibility here that this is not about how much money you have to spend. You mention more than once that it is miserable spending a whole day with a todler. It is possible that you might have envisaged this year off in a different way and when reality hit you are looking for other things to give you a boost of feeling good. This comes from within. You might benefit from exploring with a therapist your thoughts and feelings. I know people who shop continuously for that moment of joy they experience which wears out very quickly so then they start again. I am not saying you are doing that just that there might be something deep seated that needs to come to light.

We can’t tell you if your family can afford another £50 disposable income per week because we don’t know what the rest of your out goings are.
We can tell you that £600 disposable income per month is a lot of money, frankly i think I would struggle to spend all that even if I tried.
Do you have a history of struggling to budget money?

Ok, here’s some advice from a ‘poor’ person on how to budget your disposable income.

Baby & toddler group/ storytime/ bookbug at your local library = free
local baby & toddler group = sometimes free, sometimes £2 approximately per session - and they’ll probably give you a cup of coffee
local baby & toddler classes = £5 approximately per session - again it’ll probably include a coffee
forest class - £5-10 per session - it’ll probably include coffee
swimming lessons- £? Depends if you go council or private, council £25 approximately per month, private maybe £100 per month - the last suggestion is less about saving money & more about about getting better value for your money

I probably spend closer to what you spend
per week in a month probably a bit less & i’ve done all these things with my DD although not necessarily at the same time.

For lunch either get a meal deal and eat it in the park, if you don’t like making packed lunches (I don’t either). Or go home for your lunch.
For water, get a refillable bottle, cheaper & better for the environment. You can even get one of those filter jugs so it will taste better.

But if you’re doing soft play AND getting lunch AND getting ice cream, and doing similar things with coffees etc every day then no wonder you’re getting through £150 a week! Although he’s a high earner, you’re losing sight of how quickly these things add up. £200 a week just to entertain a toddler is a lot! Seems it’s going on food and drink for you which you could save money on very easily.

Coming back to cut the OP some slack, she's only just started being a SAHM it probably feels a bit boring but simultaneously overwhelming.

Currently she's throwing money at things to make them easy and enjoyable. I remember being a bit like this when I was getting used to having two under two.

Once she gets in to the groove she will see that the bells and whistles are unnecessary and £150 will stretch a long way if you're even a bit organised.

These days I get a lot more of a thrill from nailing the prep for days out and meal planning than I do from lunch at nice cafe.

Also, probably different if she knew this was forever but she's going back to work, so it's essentially a long holiday.

However, ice creams whenever it's hot and toys/magazines at the supermarket is total madness for anyone.

You sound like a spoiled brat in all honestly. There is no need to spend all that money on a toddler. Pack a thermos and a lunch box.

Do any local soft plays do monthly passes? Our local one is £8 for one session but only £20 for a month

@JoyfulLife I agree with that too - I have a lovely friend who constantly has to be doing something with her 12 year old- and usually stuff that costs a lot.she simply finds it depressing not living life to the max - now has a child that I think is going to have ridiculously high constant expectations and can’t self entertain that well.