Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

You need to learn to budget more effectively because that is more than plenty for one child. This post screams entitlement you're completely out of touch with reality.

It’s probably less than that take home pay if there are pension contributions and maybe student loan repayments. Quite reasonable to assume expenses such as mortgage are high.
Op has said the money is just for going and doing things with her toddler. Obviously if it was for all her expenses such as clothes and haircuts as well then it would be rather stingy.
Whilst in general I believe in pooled finances and equal access to money, I don’t blame the husband for giving an allowance if the op thinks £600 is not enough money just for activities with one small child - that would indicate she’s a spendthrift and frivolous with money so it’s understandable to put a cap on how much family money she’s frittering away on daily expensive activities and lunches out.

This thread has given me food for thought.

OP I am in a very similar financial situation to you and receive a very similar "allowance". Perhaps I'd better don my hard hat now!

I think it depends a bit. Is the money purely for fun stuff and activities? I do actually understand how expensive it can end up being if you want to take a small child out every day, and I often find I burn through my allowance and end up dipping into savings or using the credit card at the end of the month. I think I'm trying to compensate a bit for the fact DC isn't in nursery with all the fun organised activities. Mum guilt, we can't win can we.

However, my allowance does cover a large proportion of our other personal costs too - most of my kids clothes / books / "stuff". My phone and a couple of other smaller bills. I pay for most birthday and Christmas gifts for our friends and family (except DHs immediate family). Clothes for kid and myself (some of my clothes end up going on a joint credit card though as I often end up buying different sizes and returning stuff - but I'm certainly not fashionable and mostly just replace basics when required). Clubs/groups for kid. Stuff needed from garden centre, hair appointments (I have an infrequent and cheap wet cut only), top up food shops throughout the week, etc etc.

I'm also not great with money! But I certainly don't feel like I'm living some super luxurious lifestyle and I do worry about finances a lot. But perhaps I'm actually horribly spoilt?

It is miserable. But it’s part of it and if life. The majority of people on mat leave do not have £600a month to spend on things to do with their toddler. I certainly don’t!!

@Tupaas im guessing your friends have a similar standard of living too so they probably don't bring home made sandwiches etc along, so its a bit more keeping up with the Jones'

Personally I could easily spend that much if I were with my children full time. I work but say we popped to the shops, id spend 40 pounds at least on food for them. So i try and have treat days/keep it all limited even though i have the money. I think you have to recognise that you should restrain yourself a bit, try and do more play area stuff, buy crafts to do at home. We have loads of slime stuff and garden games, jigsaws. I recently bought loads of bubble stuff, balloons. We have Nintendo sports. Basically stuff they can do at home. I cook from scratch. Im not to the levels some parents here are but I think you need to try and see where you can make cuts, purely because I think it gets boring being out all the time, and obviously expensive!

I wonder if you were used to being able to spend what you like when you were earning and are now struggling to stick to a budget. How much was childcare costing you? Maybe use that as a basis for having more money. Unless your DH has 100s to spend on himself every week then you'll have to get used to having limited spending money while you take a career break.

£150 a week?! where's the soft play, the Bahamas?

Seems a lot to me op and should be enough for coffee lunch and soft play... you can always take some sandwiches and have a little picnic in the park some days. My DS prefers that over restaurants

Christ, I don’t even have £150 a month for “fun stuff” and I have 3 kids!!!

This is just silly. Little children don't need to be out and about consuming coffee and ice cream etc every day. They need to be at a playground (not soft play), library story hour, the swimming pool, a park, sitting in the bath doing water play with plastic tea sets, sticking mini stickers on to paper etc. Don't bring your child up in mindless consumerism. Preparing a picnic with your child is a great activity.

It’s a shame this has turned into a pile-on… @Tupaas I would say that while the weather is fairly good I would try to make plans which help you stay comparably within your budget and maybe really think about what money is enhancing your life and what is vanishing as noise. So a few chilly bottles of water in the car, as well as some snacks from the supermarket can really make the difference between a day out being £20-odd and being £50-odd. Almost everywhere makes most of its profit from visitor food.

I’d also suggest one intentional stay-at-home day - easiest way to make things easier. Have a friend round for coffee in the afternoon and do baking so there’s a cake to eat in the morning. Or if they’ve got another kid the same age, make the baking the activity.

Rather missing the point

This tbh. It's 600 a month fun money. You need to get a grip, OP.

Well, not really, it shows that OP has more than enough money for entertainment for her toddler!

Jesus I work full time and myself and my husband earn almost double your husbands wages and I don't have £600 a month for fun stuff. If you're off on career break I assume it'll come with some sacrifices and if it's only bringing your own coffee to places, it sounds like you're having a pretty good time

But it sounds like the OP will be happier?

I can't really get my head around the idea of not having access to all household money and I think I'd want a different arrangement to this.

That being said, YABU, if he earns just over 100k that's probably a little less than 6k a month take home. 10% of your household income for soft play and coffee seems like more than enough.

Given the fact that they’re not married and that OP doesn’t think £600 fun money is enough, I’m not surprised she doesn’t have access to all household money 🫣

Maybe going against the grain here, but in our household any expenses for the children come out of the family budget, not the SAHP’s personal money. We do try to be sensible with it though, so lunch out is limited to a set number of times a week. We have season tickets / memberships to a few local activities including soft play, a zoo and NT. And we go to lots of free activities too, as many have suggested.

I recently had a year off and I really struggled to spend time at home (mental health, small house, small child). I had yearly/termly memberships and set myself a timetable of activities so I knew I had the money.
Termly toddler group - Mondays £101 a term
Yearly membership to RHS £45 in the sale - Tuesdays coffee and cake £10

Family visits and lunch out -Thursdays £20 a week sometimes the park too
Termly sign language class £120 -Fridays

I can't remember what I did on Wednesdays - possibly walking into town and a food shop rather than driving so I got out, or swapped the family visits, I can't remember now.

Im now back to work but still have avaliable for days off :
Yearly zoo membership £55 for me, free for under 3s
RHS membership £45 a year then free +1 adult or +2 children

I don't have but keep looking at:
My local soft play does a monthly membership £15.99 - so 2 visits and it's paid for
swimming lessons £45 a month
Local toddler dance class (2-5years) £7 a class
Local gymnastics class (18months-4years) £5 for stay and play

If you have the money and like me can't sit at home there is plenty around but maybe set a timetable, work it out so you know how your spending money. It's so easy to tap your card and only realise at the end of the day you've spent £100 and have nothing to show for it and no money left till the end of the month. Maybe write down on paper what your doing and see if there is things you can do differently or get a membership for.

It’s not her personal money - her partner gives her £150 a week just to entertain the toddler!

Wow I can’t believe some of replies here.
you and your partner agreed a career break and it’s saving you on nursery fees as well as being good for you child. You should have a joint account and you should be able to choose want you spend it week like an adult. I think him transferring money to you is actually very controlling. I can’t believe people on here think you are being unreasonable.

The money seems plenty for your son and your direct leisure needs - but it does feel like you shouldn’t have to go into your savings during this year if he doesn’t need to and you are spending similarly so maybe talk to him about making sure you have some money for your own needs? In the end you are a stay at home mother for a year so same rules apply as I would expect for any stay at home mother or woman on maternity leave - you and he live a similar lifestyle (even if he is the only one funding it) and your and his savings grow at similar rates,

But the spend has to be within budget. The OP is running out of money despite claiming she's limiting her spending and choosing cheap options. How much would she spend if she just spent what she actually wants to spend?

A toddler can be entertained for very little. They don't know or care about expensive entertainment.

Of course they're not paying nursery fees, but also the OP isn't bringing in a wage. Even if she earned NMW, she'd bring home at least £1700 pm and it sounds like she'd actually earn more than that, so the salary she's not bringing in, plus employer pension contributions, also needs to be accounted for when assessing the value of not working. Plus obviously if she wasn't at home all the time, she wouldn't be paying for all these entry fees.

Seriously, give your head a shake. You sound really entitled.

£150 a week for leisure???? Sorry but if you think this is not enough then you need to do some self reflecting. I thought going to soft play once a week and spending £20 on his entrance and food was a lot, but you saying you have £150 for soft play, park, coffee, lunch etc - that’s literally a lavish lifestyle 😂😂😂