Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

That’s a weekend/treat day out though surely, not your day to day spending?

When i was on mat leave with baby and toddler typical days were getting out to somewhere like a park, library story time or playgroup in the mornings which were free or a few £. Picnic lunch if weather good or back home for lunch. Naps or play at home or maybe visit a friend.

Maybe once a week we’d have lunch out in a cafe and similar for a coffee.

I can’t imagine we were spending more that £50 a week to facilitate that.

Of course not but I definitely spend more than £150 most weeks.

I bet you anything that if OP's DH takes the child out he's not making sandwiches and taking a flask of coffee.

This depends a bit on the size of your house and how many toddler friendly things there are there...

I actually think it's good to get out every day, it breaks the day up, provides fresh air and a change of scene.
The issue is that OP has defined "out" as going to a spendy place.

When DS was the same age we went out every day, but it was generally to the local park with drinks and snacks or for a walk in the woods or to someone's house. These were basically free beyond the cost of transport (and we often walked). Other days I'd go to toddler groups which were inexpensive and included a drink for me and the toddler as part of the entrance fee.
We also went to the library every week.

The beauty of not working with a toddler is that you can take your time. At this time of year take a picnic blanket and some outside toys and sit on the grass in the park. DC at that age think a picnic is amazing!

Soft play (particularly in the school holidays) was not even on my radar as a place to go. We saved Tesco vouchers for some "big" days out.

But you say yourself your kids are older, plus you have two of them. It really doesn’t cost £150 a week, every week, to entertain one small child - that’s over 7k per year!

Wow nearly £650 a month and you have one child, that is very generous. Whilst you say he is a high earner just over £100k soon disappears when he is paying mortgage utilities car tax and insurance groceries home insurance, clothes/shoes for a child putting in savings plus your £150 per week so does he actually have any disposable income? £150 per week is very generous if you cannot manage on that then you need to look at what activities you are doing. Taking a toddler to the park is free. Local library for storytelling, a country walk to explore. Home activities such as painting, basic baking, drawing making a collage, inviting another mum and toddler over for a play date and making coffee at home, jigsaw puzzles Duplo Building, the list goes on.

Apologies if this has already been said, but I found it helpful when I realised that day to day life contains the stuff my child enjoyed, for free. Instead of getting a delivery, she got a ride in the trolley at the supermarket (and "beeps" the items as I put them in), and instead of rushing to make sandwiches or buying them, we made them together as an activity. I had to learn to chill out about how long stuff takes and a bit of extra mess, because she has fun so it doesn't matter!

Exactly!

I think they get a lot more out of it too.

Isn’t childcare going to cost considerably more?

Ok but this would be a once a week activity then you return home. Surely your toddler would then have something like a swimming lesson once a week so that is the activity that day. Meet a mum at the park and take a picnic. It sounds like you don’t want to put in any effort to plan things and expect to have activities laid on for you which will be expensive. This year is an opportunity for you to make real memories with your toddler, soft play is great to wear them out but you sit and watch them rather than really interacting. Surely you want to go back to work with a stack of memories such as when you collected shells at the beach together or jumped in muddy puddles in the woods, grew your first tomatoes and ate them for lunch etc.

Yes but this way there will be two incomes in the home, and it initially sounded like the OP had a good job too. I don't think you can compare 'him' saving money by the child not being in nursery as that is an entirely different scenario and in that situation the mum would also be contributing.

I have 2 DC (8 and 6) to entertain (and a teenager but she has a job and does her own thing) I won’t spend £600 across the whole holiday. We go out every day. Free events at the library, parks, walks, bike rides, swimming as they have lessons and get leisure swimming included. We either plan our days so we’re home for lunch or take food with us. Yesterday we went to soft play for a treat and it cost £26 which was food and 3.5 hours playing for the kids and a can of drink for me.

This is pretty condescending, everyone parents differently, all memories are memories - not sure everyones growing tomatoes

Not a waste of money if everyone enjoys it

I used to get mini milk not sure if they still do them. Mine would rather have fruit anyway. Melon is better than ice-cream to cool you down on a hot day. So that's something else she can pack in a picnic.

£150 post tax for a higher rate tax payer is £250 pre tax. That’s £13,000 a year. I think that’s generous for coffees and soft play.

But on £150 every week, op can afford soft play (eg) and lunch out at least 2-3 times per week. That’s plenty!

@Tupaas

so what if it’s hot every day of the week, in your book that means ice cream everyday! That’s so expensive also not to mention a surplus of calories and not good for your sons health

Surely that depends on your budget and whether spending (say) £50 on lunch means you now can’t do other things that would last longer and provide better value for money.

And there’s a world of difference between the money people spend on an occasional day off work to treat their family and the money they spend on an ordinary day. This is day in day out.

You would get a few sandwiches out of 1 pack of ham. You could make sandwiches in bulk and freeze them. By the time you've had picnic it will have defrosted and the bread doesn't go soggy either.

Meat by the time you have picnic.

I think it depends on how much disposal income there is. He has a take home of £5,713. What are the outgoings and what's left over? I wouldn't like being give an allowance. Do you have access to the money or is his money his money? Can you get a hair cut or does that come out of the £150 or you savings?

That is a luxury day out by most people’s standards. Soft play is an expensive treat at £12.99. That is top of the range. When I wasn’t working I mostly took my children to free activities in church halls and public libraries. You might pay £1 voluntary donation for tea and biscuits.

No one should be eating 3 ice creams in a week.

If it’s normal for your friends to all buy bottled water, ready made lunch, snacks like ice cream and hot drinks on a whim, then I get why you feel peeved at counting pennies. If you had less though, you would manage with less: you’d take your own water/hot drinks/food (as people at work do to save money rather than have their choice of lunch from Pret). It is a lot cheaper to plan and make your own. £4 for decent ham is a lot and despite having the budget I still don’t buy it after years of budgeting when DC were younger, old habits and all that. Now I would cook chicken breasts in the air fryer and make sandwiches out of that, or cook a gammon joint for dinner and use the leftovers, or do cheese and pickle, peanut butter or egg sandwiches. Or get your son involved in making pasta salad with any combo of cheese and veg eg. Feta red peppers and olives. Multipack crisps are miles cheaper than buying by the packet, and you get a more sensible 25g portion. You can make the meal planning part of your day. I’d also suggest talking to DH about how you feel and he might be happy to agree to a bigger budget; but if it is what it is, there are plenty of ways of cutting back and enjoying the process.
Edit - make it part of your day in terms of time you spend with DS, teaching him about food prep, cooking, choosing ingredients being fun etc. and you can look for fun things to buy for your picnics (unusual fruit or biscuits) when you’re in a supermarket.