Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Well let’s take that at face value and say she’s saving £1000 in childcare fees…….
its 50% her responsibility so she is actually saving HIM £500
Do you seriously think the entire household bills/food/cars and countless other essentials which he is currently shouldering alone come to less than that when halved?
Thats fantasy maths at its finest

I think if staying home with a toddler is miserable for you unless you are spending money then maybe staying home is not for you.

You need to find out about library story times, toddler groups etc and save soft play for the odd treat. Toddlers don't need ice-cream multiple times a week a little ice lolly maybe.

I would keep the bigger things for a treat and go to the park more, lots of good playgrounds these days or splash pads or kick a ball, get some bubbles, fly a kite.

Community centres have good classes toddler sport groups or drop-ins or swimming. So many things you can do that are not soft play.

@Tupaas Who pays for clothes for you and child ? I think the problem is you’re not married . When are you getting married?
Young have gave up your body and work to care for your dc .
I wouldn’t want to be limited on my life while
my partners didn’t change . Id be asking for more .

Exactly. I don’t know any other mums who aren’t carting a backpack around when in the toddler trenches which often includes water and snacks.

I visited all the free playgrounds/parks within the region when the DC were preschool age especially in the summer. You can leave soft play for the winter. Aren't there local playgroups once or twice a week which tend to be fairly cheap?

normally under the economy aparently the public are ment to help various businesses including dinner out

@ttcat37 yep but if she was paying nursery fees she would be bringing in significant income too and wouldn’t have the spare time to spend &600 a month on peripherals

Maybe don't go out every single day!

You are in a better position compared to a lot of us. Plan some days at home if you feel you are not able to stick to the budget.

I don't think how the OP spends the money is the real issue, they are a partnership with a child but she does not have access to the family money. I wouldn't take a career break under those circumstances.

@Tupaas is being given 150 quid to spend so; surprise, surprise: she is spending it.
Guess what; if you get an extra 50 that will get spent too!

YABVU and completely out of touch with reality

Great advice, I don't live in UK anymore but I was astonished at the quality of kids playgrounds when we visited last year with 4yo, and all free of course.

Yes I think you have ‘got this all wrong’.

I don’t understand why the need to go out as many days per week as you seem to. Stay home, eat etc at home. You only have the one child, the amount seems very generous.

Pack your own lunch for a start

Do you have a household budget that you’ve set together and go over together when you make decisions like taking a year to be a SAHP vs working and having DA in nursery? If not you should. As this thread has pointed out ad nauseam, £150/week is perfectly adequate fun money for one toddler. But whether that’s a proportionate amount for your household spending may be different - no one here can tell you whether your DP is being stingy because we don’t know what all the other outgoings are.

Unless your salary was less than or equal to the cost of childcare you’re saving dropping down to a single income without draining savings is going to require some budget tightening from both of you (assuming you staying home for a year and him being the sole family income was a joint decision you both favored). You’re going to have to actually sit down and look at your household spending and set a budget to make that happen.

I would rather take a flask than waste £4.50 on a coffee.

Why aren't you taking a packed lunch, flasks of water and coffee? There is no need to spend £15 on crappy outside food.

Of course he is responsible, they should have a joint account and she should have access to all money, he shouldn't be doling it out. She is paying his childcare expenses with her labour.

Feminism is really dead on here isn't it.

Well she’s not currently working and presumably she’s not been given unlimited access to the money as she’d spend too much and they wouldn’t have enough for bills etc

I agree with this.
it’s not a question of your husband being stingy, it’s what your household family budget allows, which is a joint decision as a family.
your husband thinks that amount of money is enough, if you don’t then it needs to be a discussion.

I don’t agree with all the comments that you can’t leave your own house and buy a coffee and lunch out, but it doesn’t have to be every day

Honestly just get into the habit of taking packed lunches, then a coffee or cake or ice cream - whatever - is much more affordable. That’s what I did on mat leave. And I have a flask of coffee for the car and a refillable water bottle. Saves a fortune. Those little things quickly add up x

The bigger issue is that you’re unmarried. Fine if you’re just taking this year off, but if you have more DC and take more time as a SAHM then as plenty have said, what about your pension? I have a friend in the same boat, but she does work but has been part time for years. But then again she has a large inheritance x 2, so she is probably sensible to not have the issue of sharing that.

Anyway, don’t agree in having £200 a week to spend on a toddler, plenty of free things to do. My brother and SIL get their toddler out every day for something, and they certainly don’t spend anywhere near that amount as they can’t afford it. Plus its wasteful.

Why is it 'miserable' to look after your toddler?! If that is miserable why on earth did you take a career brrak to stay at home with him?

I’m a SAHM with a high income DH (when DS was a toddler income was > £300,000 ). Soft play wasn’t a weekly activity, maybe every 1-2 months but I’d go to a weekly free mothers play group. I’d also pay for a weekly group music class for toddlers. There was also free library sessions that were fun (did craft or story sessions). I’m pretty frugal so I didn’t bother going out for lunch each week. If I had an activity I’d book it in after breakfast and maybe get a coffee depending on how long I was there. My son always had his water bottle with him.

I had friends that would rock up to places all the time with 2-3 kids and no water bottles then spend £20 on drinks and snacks for them. Each to their own.

I personally think £150 is plenty.

But it’s quite clear that with access to a joint account, she would be bankrupting the family!

Just for context my ex pays £398 pm child maintenance for three kids a month. This is a wind up post surely.