Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Flask (coffee and water) for you on most days except for a treat, and bottle\ silly cup for baby. Packed lunch on most days except for treat. Not difficult.

It must be saving you a fortune in nursery fees, ask for more

Op you won’t get much support on here mumsnet typical want mums to suffer as much as possible. It entirely depends on whether he’s got a provider mindset/role or whether you’re both of the opinion we run our house 50/50.

If it’s 50/50 arrangement then he’s probably thinking he’s doing you a favour whilst you take a career break.

Most mums I know who are married to high earners and happened to be high earners themselves took lengthy career breaks to raise the children. Whilst doing so their DHs ensure the finances were run well and they had adequate money to spend on themselves as well as kids.

I do think 150 in this day and age is on the low side of things and he should take into account the actual cost of going out activities.

Excellent advice!

Op do not listen to this. Consider yourself highly privileged and fortunate. Enjoy it and enjoy your child. It is so rare in this economy to be able to do what you are. Coming from someone who was and is still ‘spoilt and precious’.

Just chat to your husband so you can come to a more comfortable arrangement. Also start adding a few boring home days in too like picnics in the garden etc

You might find it more enjoyable if you plan activities with more adult interaction and then don't need as many "treats" to make it exciting. Eg a regular class of something the little one would enjoy, music, dance, sport etc then you can get to know the other parents as see you them each week. Look for playgroups in local churches or children's centres, you might get ten minutes when the children are happy to go off and play and you can have a chat and you would also get to know others if you go on a regular basis.

Ah OP I really feel you.

I’m an only child and career girl through and through.

I’d never been around children or babies and found entertaining DS when he was little incredibly tough.

Being a mum doesn’t come naturally to everyone, I’m crap at anything involving imagination play, I’m more a physical activity person so I used to be like you and take DS out all the time.

but there came a point I realised I WAS spending WAY too much £.

I started restricting spendy activities like soft play, farm parks with lunches etc to once a week.

On other days we’d do lots of the free things others have mentioned like parks, woodland walks, the beach. I took a packed lunch and the £ those days would be on coffee and cake or ice cream only.

We did swimming once a week as my local leisure centre did £1 toddler swims.

j also bought a pushbike and one of those trailers for DS - we used to go for miles hunting out new play parks with a picnic loaded in the back!

When he got a bit older he’d ride his own bike - he’s 17 now and races competitively!

I hope you’re not too disheartened by the hard time you’ve gotten on this thread, you’re not doing anything “all wrong” at all, you just need a deep breath and little reset.

How is your day manic; you have one child and you don’t work?!?

Your spending doesn’t reflect the budget you have been given; that amount would be more than reasonable for most people and yet you still say you want more and it sounds like you surround yourself with people who validate your spending habits.

Sorry but you come across as extremely spoilt and at risk of spoiling your child too…

If it feels that ‘miserable’ to look after a toddler I’d suggest maybe cutting the career break short and going back to work; being a SAHP is not for everyone. A break from your child could make you appreciate the time you do spend together and would also resolve the money issues

What are you saving on nursery (when you add in transport/any associated costs)? Because it could be argued he's saving that. TBH, when mine were toddlers, I didn't take them to soft plays etc as much as I would have liked due to cost. Still surprises me that in this country, we have free parks but nothing inside for when it's just too wet and cold! I wish all children's centres/hubs had some soft play. Hey, I can wish. Off the soapbox now.

Yes but she’s also now not taking in a wage… unless her wage was less than nursery fees would have cost then this is a moot point.

Well look around for more affordable activities. I used to take ds & dd to 1 every weekday morning. Messy play on Monday mornings at local community centre. I would nip home do a quick lunch then out to an afternoon playgroup. There was mother and toddler groups the other weekday mornings. The afternoons if weather was good we went to the park or the beach. Or we would do something in the house arts and crafts etc.

After DD was born being a winter baby we couldn’t really get out so much. So while I was breastfeeding ds would bring me book after book to read. Softplay was a once a week treat. I sometimes used to take them to softplay toddlers session. Some include juice for children and mum gets a drink included in the price. I don’t drive btw so all in walking distance. DC have always been good walking. Also helps them to sleep at night. Children won’t remember the money you spend on them. When they do remember is the time you spend with them.

Two things.

1. Yabu. That's a decent "play" budget but why do you have to go out so much? Do you get locked out of the house? Stay in. Do stuff there, including making your own drinks and coffee. And if you run out of steam, do quiet stuff like reading or even TV. I suspect this is more about you needing to have your dc entertained than your dc needs it.
2. Yet again it's the issue of split finances. I don't get it. If you're both working, why are you not pooling funds? If you've both agreed that you won't be working for a while, why don't you have access to joint funds. What's this "allowance" bollocks?!!

I dunno I’m gunna go against the grain a bit here. Have you had a career break to ease the burden of daycare? Are you taking on anymore stay at home parent/ domestic duties? If this is a mutual arrangement it does kind of make me feel like you should be allowed a reasonable amount of fun money for yourself. Obviously if it’s just you wanted a break and it doesn’t really benefit the family as much that’s another thing but I don’t see why this should be seen differently to any other sahm situation that we see on mumsnet.

I think, as others have said, you need to look deeper at this career break.

I say this as someone who would struggle to live on £150 a week these days, because I’m an idiot and used to big spending, however when my kids were little we had very little money and it had to go a long way. My career break when my youngest was a toddler was one of the happiest times of my life. I was constantly having to find cheap/free activities and spending as little as possible while still making life feel fun, but I LOVED it. Life now is like a fairytale in comparison (financially) but I look back at those days with nothing but joy. I’m smiling as I think about them to type this.

I think the money is a red herring, and it’s totally fine to admit that to yourself. Put him in nursery, go back to work and enjoy life again. It’s not for everyone and there’s no shame in it!

You say "some days are close to being free" a few days a week should be completely free. I'd say you should limit yourself to 3 days out a week (even that is generous) to places like soft play, play cafes, parks with cafes and then the other 4 days spend at home or walk to the local park and just play on the equipment or walk round the lake or whatever. I certainly wouldn't be going out every day to places that cost money. And do you buy a toy every time you go to the supermarket? I would put a stop to that too.

£150 sounds pretty generous to me but of course it all depends on the joint budget given you only have one income now. Even if your partner earns £100k by the time tax etc has been taken off and mortgage/bills how much is left? If you have £600 to spend purely on entertainment and clothes for you and toddler are separate then budgeting better may help. If you are expected to cover personal costs for yourself like clothes/hair etc out of that £600 I can see why it may not go far if you live in an expensive area. Maybe your partner is not on board with being the sole provider and you may need to go back to work. Most kids only go to soft play for a few hours so you absolutely do not need to pay out for lunch/ice creams etc etc every day. Presumably there are free parks etc you can go which won't cost you as much. Nothing wrong with taking a picnic every now and again either.

So I would say it is impossible to say whether he is being stingy without knowing what he has available to spend after all the bills are taken care of. I definitely think that it is possible to stay within that £150 a week if you only have one toddler though.

I agree in theory (me and husband share all finances) but if op thinks £600 per month is not enough just for money to entertain a toddler and buy the odd coffee then I can’t blame her her husband for wanting a limit on how much of the family money she spends.

Yes that’s a lot of money for ‘fun’. Even on the higher end of the spending spectrum of getting a coffee and ice cream a day say £10 for arguments sake, that’s still £70 a week which leaves £80 for the week! That’s a lot more than most have a month for shopping after outgoings.
It sounds as if you dislike being at home with your child and you’re incapable of spending time at home in the garden or the local park?
If you dislike being home so much maybe it would be easier to go back to work sooner as you keep stating how bad it is.

I have to say, I don't agree with your first two sentences. I think married or committed couples who share children should treat all their income as one. There shouldn't be his and mine, only ours. When children come along, everything goes lopsided. The woman bears the physical brunt, and much of the newborn care esp. if breastfeeding, the man often bears the financial brunt and provider stress, and how can you separate out the value of these very different things? I think families should be a team, IMHO.

Why are you having lunch out and squandering on expensive coffees? You're not on holiday:)

Toddler groups locally where you and your child can make friends are more sensible, then a swimming class, then a nice walk to the library rounds off the week, surely?

Plenty of time for housework, playing and reading with your child, and cooking. Don't you like being at home?

Depends where you are going but could you get a supermarket meal deal? Main of sandwich/pasta etc, ice cream and coffee.

Wow. Spoiled much.

Sorry OP this is quite funny. I think your used to living off your old wages and more money so not cutting back. You dont need to do expensive outings everyday what about just coloring, scavanger hunts, water marking, beach visits or movie days at home, free things. Ur child can also have days in playing with their toys and don't need constant entertainment but i feel like you do to be honest. Stop buying lunches and coffees and bottled water. Bring a packed lunch and a refillable water bottle and flask of coffee if needs be. Ease off on the supermarket toys that should be a rare treat. The issue is ur spending too much everyday planning big full on days out to include lunch parking soft plays with ice cream after then what If I want to buy a toy. Thats okay but not everyday im not surprised ur running out of cash

Pfffft if he’s earning £100k pa, £600 a month is stingy as fuck, assuming you’re saving £1000+ a month in nursery fees now?
You’re the one putting your career on hold. How do you pay your own expenses? Is he contributing into your pension whilst you aren’t working?
If you’re married then really you should have free access to the household money, ie, have a bank card for the account with the money in!

I’m a high earner, as is my husband, and I’m a bit shocked by this. It’s a bit ott.
sometimes we had friends round, sometime we went to the play park, sometimes we went to visit friends, sometimes we did an activity.
mostly it was low cost stuff. Rarely did we did like you’ve described. Soft play was a treat maybe once a month.