Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

It sounds like you’re spending as I would spend on my ‘days off’ with my kids. But your days off are everyday and it’s not economical to eat out every day. It does sound like your time is very leisurely and if that’s all fine for you both and you can afford it then why not! The question is, what do you both need to sacrifice to afford the extra required. There’s no right or wrong answer. Can you make the extra cost work? If so great. If you cant can you live as you do … then enjoy the rest of your break. If you cant and it’s not working out she the expense then try and bring a bit more money in.

I'm entertained that the OP does not think the shops are making profit on the food they sell.

If you can buy a lunch from a cafe for £5 the ingredients for that sandwich are probably nearer £2.50 the food will be 'marked up' to include lighting, rent, service, cleaning , making etc etc

Expensive activities for a toddler are very daft - they will not remember them.

Why is the husband giving her an “allowance”, as if she’s a child? Seems a rather old fashioned way to run finances in a family. I assumed they were separated at first. If one person’s working you get a joint credit card, unless you don’t trust your partner.

My kids are 5 and 3 and I have probably bought them lunch out less than 20 times ever (not including the treat days out with GPs and the like). Massive waste of money. Make a packed lunch and find somewhere to eat it. I'd also take snacks for myself to keep me going. Nuts, fruit etc.

You haven’t got it wrong. It takes time to adjust to having kids. And it is very hard work looking after toddlers ❤️. You’re hardly buying yourself a bottle of Moët and Cartier earrings to take the edge off. It’s only lunch and a coffee!

When you have more than one child the cost of regular drinks, meals and toys multiply. And kids get more demanding as they get older, nagging for expensive treats, toys, trainers, gadgets. Or complain certain activities are babyish, rubbish, boring etc. Whereas toddlers don’t care how much things cost and find everything fascinating if you interact with them and make it fun. They’re such a joy to be with compared to older kids, who have to be prized from screens. So, lots of parents replying likely have that extra perspective.

While every parent wants to treat their kids as much as they can, it’s important not to over-indulge them with endless paid-for fun and gratification. It tends to make them more demanding, unable to entertain themselves and struggling to understand ‘no’: they can’t always get what they want or be endlessly entertained. If you have another child, your DS will have to learn to share your time, attention, money, toys etc. If he’s your only child, it’s even more important he doesn’t grow up expecting to be overindulged or there’s a risk he’ll become self-absorbed.

IMHO, what kids of any age love most is helping you. They feel important and grown up. It also teaches them how to do things. So, rather than seeing making a packed lunch as hassle, it might help to see it as a shared activity. Show him how to choose and buy (counting out the money) the food. Wash the grapes or strawberries and pack in the picnic tub. Show him how to make the sandwich by adding the cheese and tomato. Do it together. Make some biscuits or cakes together, weighing out ingredients, to take out with you the next day.

Make the beds together. Hang up laundry together. Tidy up together. Give him lots of praise. Make a card for a relative with leaves you collect and paint. Put in an envelope with a stamp and take it to the postbox. Have regular walks (e.g. to the shop, round the block or to a favourite spot) where you look for certain things: flowers, birds, puddles, cars. It teaches them to observe the world around them and be creative.

You’ll be grand once you get in the swing of it.

ah yes, the "high quality meat" a meal at softplay, a venue known for fine dining, will definitely consist of.

Just a couple of things to mention. Might it feel like a manic day because you are going out too much? It’s ok to have days mooching around the house. A picnic doesn’t need to be expensive or time consuming eg while your toddler is having breakfast, make sandwiches with whatever you have in the fridge or left over pasta with something, chop up any salad bits in the fridge, fruit and any other snacks you might have. So it’s not about buying loads of extra stuff, it’s making use of what you’ve got. Even if you buy more fancy ham, you’re going to get several sandwiches worth out of it. Once you get in the habit, it takes no time at all.
I’m also wondering if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed and if you are, I wanted to say that I found it hard being at home with my DD. I often felt like I didn’t really know what I was doing and while I had in my mind we’d be running through meadows in the sunshine having great fun, the reality was days with bright moments but also long days. Now she’s older I wish I’d been able to do things better as that time really does go fast.
I think two things are really important. One is that when you go out, you meet up with people. Going to playgroups etc mean you meet other parents regularly and get to chat and your toddler gets to socialise. While you might be having a year off from paid work, being at home is also challenging and you still need time for you. So talk to your partner to make sure you have time to see your friends and do non toddler stuff. We all try our best and you’re doing fine. Things will get easier in time x

If you are miserable looking after a toddler then get a job and put him back into childcare. You are coming across as extraordinarily spoilt and precious.

It’s good for kids to do simple and cheap activities like messing around in a paddling pool in the back garden or toddling in the woods looking at beetles. Libraries are free and often have summer activities for kids. One or two paid activities a week is plenty, or they really do get spoilt. And when they’re 10 and want constant food, toys and entertainment they’ll cost you a fortune.

Because she can’t budget!

I think that is a good amount for what you’ve described. But not if that includes clothes, and other basic needs for you and your DC.

What I think should happen, is that you have access to a joint account with all your joint income going into that one pot. If only he is earning now, then it’s just his money that goes in, but the principle remains the same…you should have access to all of your family income.

£600 a month on outings and coffees when some mums can barely afford a coffee treat themselves once a month let alone a weekly expensive catch up with friends. You are very out of touch and this post is in poor taste.

Even well off friends of mine would blink at spending £600 a month on frivolous expenses.

More luxurious than him grafting at work. I’d be pissed off if you asked me for more than £150 a week for fun stuff.

£100k is not that much for 3 people to live off.

Are there no more free "stay and plays"? Or even the ones that have gold coin donation? Or children's farm or library sing and rhyme time or local Forest school morning for toddlers/preschoolers? There used to be so many of these when mine were little, that I was spoilt for choice of where to take them each day.
We used to go regularly to the park/playground which was free as well.

There's also weekly paid-for 'classes' for toddlers like football/playball, baby swimming, music etc that weren't extortionate. I definitely did not spend this or the equivalent on my toddler's activities, and we were out pretty much every day.

No you don't you set up messy play, do craft, walk to park, play in garden , free play while you do housework. In school holidays out to a paid for activity maybe once or twice a week, join the library activities for free.

It's more than many especially if ones at home.

I mean it's a lot but people have different income and priorities. The bigger question is why don't you have access to the joint account and spend what you want (using a budget you both agree to) from your joint income, rather then getting pocket money from a partner, which this sounds like by the way you have written it 🙈 I honestly think it's so odd that people have children and buy houses together not married, you've got no legal protection and much less incentive to treat everything as joint assets without that, it must make taking parenting leave so tricky and unbalanced. When you are working do you send each other money for half the bills? Can't get my head around it

I think that's a generous amount for a week of outings. You can take a bottle of water instead of buying it, you don't need a coffee every time, take food or plan outings around the day so you are home for lunch before going out. The biggest ticket item on that is probably buying lunches, so save that for treats.

There must be plenty of free things to do. Go to the park for a walk and explore, go to a playground, visit a friend, or do things at home together. Look for free or cheap community activities.

When I was on mat leave I made lots of food from scratch as I had the time to do so. Most of the friends I met up with did the same and had limited budgets, we wouldn't be doing expensive meals and soft play all the time. Surely you just need to limit yourself to 1 or 2 paid for outings and lunches a week and the rest of the time do cheaper things (possibly involving a coffee or ice cream and public transport costs, if applicable, but no other spend). Toddler don't need fancy soft plays/other activities. A playground/playdate/local library/free museum/feeding the ducks keeps them happy!

Also if you aren't enjoying it why do it. You don't have to love being a full time mum/spending all day with small children. It's hard work. I much prefer working to childcare.

Maybe because he’s worried she’ll spank it all on coffees

They’re not married. For me this is an unacceptable risk to the care giver to give up work for a year for the benefit of the family and have no access to joint funds. OP’s days out sound like the rare days working parents have.

Being cautious in spending for a SAHP is more meaningful when you’re working towards a shared family pot and vision. This isn’t it. Why is she asking for money from him if it is all hunky dory and equitable? Sounds like she is the au pair and kept. Also, comes across as frivolous in activities and spending. Somebody up thread posted about how much she is receiving from her partner gross/net tax - it’s a bonkers amount for what she wants to do with it.

Completely agree. These things are most of the golden memories of this stage of my children's lives. Do activities at home with your child.

Yes I totally agree more than most, but not enough that you can spend £100’s a month on entertainment and not worry that if your situation suddenly changes you won’t need that money for bills etc.

It is more risky on one income and as the sole earner you have the mental load of making sure it keeps coming in and some is put away for a rainy day.

So I would be pissed off that £150 a week isn’t enough to entertain a toddler.

My DH was made redundant when we had a toddler. I had to entertain a toddler on literally zero budget. You get to be very economical and still have a good time.

Of course you want to enjoy your days and be able to have a coffee out etc . I was exactly the same when I was a SAHM. I found monthly subscriptions/passes to stuff really helped. So for example gym membership meant we could go swimming once or twice a week, something called Gymboree which was about £10 a week/£40 a month but you got class each week and soft play every day. Lots of my friends also had yearly passes to local zoo/adventure park places which also has soft play so they went there frequently. I feel like money goes further that way. I also made use of the free stuff like library/playgroups etc which would be a cheaper day and then another day might be pricier activity and lunch out. Playdate once a week and made lunch at home for friend (and then friends obviously sometimes got invited on them so ‘free’ day as would just take cake/flowers etc) I know things are so expensive these days so I think it’s just working out the best value so you can enjoy your time together, keep you little one entertained and treat yourself to coffee/lunch etc

This makes me really sad for you, he’s your husband and you’re at home looking after his child and he can’t get his head around giving you money to get a haircut. So you went back to work rather than him wanting to do that. I think it’s good you went back to work when he’s the way he is, But it’s really sad he thinks that way. I wonder why he even got married.