Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Personally the days I have to stay in with my children are torture. I would rather be out.

Lots of bitter and jealous mums on here! If you feel it’s not enough, then do speak to him. I know what you mean, everything does add up, but I honestly believe in you only live once, and if he can afford it then why not!

My toddler is happy to mooch around the house. Go in the garden and water the plants, do drawings. Watch cartoons while I clean the house. Days out we would maybe do a soft play/lunch/coffee thing once a fortnight, otherwise it’s playing on the common/parks/open spaces. Visiting the library and reading a couple books. Not everything has to be £££ - and arguably you are not making a very resolving child if they can only be happy when stimulated by expensive activities.

That depends on the kid. My DS is extremely active and wants to run and climb constantly. He was crawling at 6 months and walking independently at 10 months - so just an extremely physical creature. Every second is spent keeping him alive and soft play daily plus walking for miles is the only option. Daily 😂 keeping him in the house is extremely stressful for everyone. Although maybe yours is older if he's watching cartoons as well.

It's more than enough, way more than enough. Where is she taking the toddler? Harrods? 😅

Some people live on £300 a month!!

Unless you’re very well off, £600 a month is quite a lot!! How much money does he have for ‘fun money’ per month?

Sounds as though DP is carrying it all on his shoulders here. Plus query whether he’s a high earner if he’s on just over 100k, that’s a sticky spot for tax until he starts to earn more so with mortgage and your expenses he’s probably under quite a bit of stress. Instead of shaking the money tree for another £50 why not cut back and tell him you realise things are a bit tight so you have reduced the 150 to [lower amount]. Also if you’re not married you really are at some risk financially in this career break sort of arrangement if he pulls the plug on the arrangement so I wouldn’t push it too far.

I’m the poster who said you can make a cheese sandwich for pennies.

I went to soft play the other day and all that was offered for kids was the classic mass processed nuggets and chips kind of situation (fine as a treat, partial myself but not every day). These meals were £7!

I personally preferred giving my toddler a nice quality cheese sandwich and other snacks they enjoy. I suppose grating cheese on a Sunday and using it throughout the week for a good quality snack or sandwich filling is a bit much to some people. As I said further above, you can cook a gammon joint and freeze portions quite easily to address the OPs worries about poor quality ham.

I’m not even a frugal fanatic but I’d rather spend my money on worthwhile things like activities or visits than an overpriced plate of crap that let’s be honest - toddlers mostly leave anyway as they tend to graze. At least with a sandwich you can take it home and offer it again.

And if it’s torture for her then there is always the option of a pre-made picnic and gasp a reusable bottle of water. You can get out of the house without it costing anything. It’s not difficult.

I don't think it's wrong to ask your husband for a bit more, assuming you can afford it. I agree it seems a lot to most people but so what? It's your life, and if you want to spend your money on treats then what's the problem? I think the bigger issue is that you feel scared to ask your husband for more money. It's shared money, surely? So you can sit down together and revise the budget between you.

Why would you spend that much a month on that?
Go for walks, grab a take away coffee, bring a picnic.

Why is a thermos of coffee miserables? One of our loveliest memories was a day my daughter's dad dropped us off at a country park on the way to golf and we explored the woods with a flask of tomato soup for lunch. It was lovely.

This all being said. If your partner (and child’s father) earns a considerable (!!) salary then it is logical to consider asking for more. Because again, this is family money, spent in a family way. But OP isn’t high rolling it, her spending is soft play and 3 ice creams a week…

What OP seems to want is more financial freedom and possibly a nicer standard of living - which requires higher salaries (both) and more equity in household finances. Cannot understand why you would waste £150 a week on these things, deplete your pension and sacrifice autonomy to faff about in a soft play. Defeats me.

Our family income is more than triple that amount, with 3 kids, and I still think it’s a lot.

£150 a week is plenty. I have had 3 DS and i’d never spend anything like that. You really need £800 a month for soft play, ice cream, lunches and coffee? I would also make a comment if I was your DH. Just because he is a high earner doesn’t mean his salary should be spent on luxuries like that when you’re not earning. I’d rein it in a bit, go out a bit less, or eat before you go etc.

Start taking lunch and water from home when you go out

This is a joke.

This is insane.
I had three toddlers smd at the time was a sahm so I get it can be boring but you don’t need to spend that much money. As an example get up and have breakfast, then go soft play with a water bottle. I’d take snacks like crisps or breadsticks then we’d come home for lunch and a cuppa for me.We would chill for a bit then an afternoon trip to the park and home for dinner.
Now and then we’d do a longer day out with picnic or a lunch out but definitely not every day. Your expectations are completely ridiculous tbh.

That's a lot of money - more than I've ever had available to spend a week. It might be worth looking at budgeting each day and not going over. Can you go to different things - are there any cheap or free local groups etcetera? Libraries often run good groups too. Could you go to the park without buying coffee, lunch and ice-cream? You could gradually get out of the habit of getting toys at the supermarket. It sounds like you are used to having a sizable income and are having difficulty adjusting to a lower income and might need to look at changing the activities you do and what you feel is necessary while you are there.

We share our finances and I don’t work many hours so don’t pick up much, somewhere between £100-400 a month. My husband covers most of our outgoings and wouldn’t expect me to use savings however when we go out I take sandwiches, I wouldn’t dream of buying food out and would certainly take my own drink rather than expect someone else to transfer money to pay for a coffee. It all costs a fortune. I tend to go to parks a lot, feed the ducks and do things that don’t cost too much. We also tend to have more fun doing this too and I’m now in my 4th year of not working much, mainly because I’ve kept our costs down. £12.99 for soft play plus everything else sounds a very expensive day out.

@Tupaas

Do you need to plan your week better? Is this for 5 days? I’m struggling to see how this isn’t enough? Even with “big days out” I would think this was doable.
Monday - park, picnic (or home for lunch) and feed the ducks - coffee, ice cream and parking £10.
Tuesday - soft play and lunch £40
Wednesday - Sealife Centre and lunch £45
Thursday - farm, picnic, ice cream and coffee £40
National trust park (lunch at home) ice cream and coffee £10
You would still be left with change. Are you planning big days out everyday or eating out everyday?

YABU. If your DH earns only just over £100k you’re likely spending around 10% (or maybe more depending on pension and student loans?) of the household income on coffee, lunches and soft play. That’s before any family days out or holidays or meals etc. I’d definitely re think things as unless your bills are very low your DH might be under pressure without you asking for more.

@Tupaas I don’t think you are cut out for being a SAH mum OP if you feel staying in a fair bit or simple activities with little one is miserable and depressing. I do get it , I’m not really a crafts mum myself although loved my son dearly . I went back to work

wow the entitlement. that is a lot of money just for fun. yabu to ask for extra.

I hope your DP doesn’t start comparing notes OP, he might decide he’s being over-generous.