Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Nothing to do with quality meat. If she said her partner was complaining she was buying good quality meat instead of Asda smartprice wafter thin ham I’d think he was a bit of a prat. I don’t think it’s OP’s choice of picnic sandwich filling that’s causing her to think £150 a week to entertain one small child is a restrictive budget.

I also think it’s highly unlikely the food she’s buying at softplay is good quality!

Decadent is softplay, coffee, lunch and ice cream out all on an ordinary weekday as a regular occurrence, not a homemade ham sandwich.

I think you might be teasing us, how much naice ham does your toddler consume in a day 😂

I'm a bit lost for words otherwise as your approach to life with a toddler is too far removed from my life experience

What makes you think that would happen? Quite a reach. OP has said nothing of the sort. Most people are reasonable and normal and want the best for those they love - namely your child and the mother of your child, or the father of your child (OP is probably not going to go and squander all their money to the degree the bills don’t get paid, come on!). £600 should be ample but that wasn’t the point of my post.

Take a hot flask of tea/coffee, a cold flask of water and a packed lunch, FFS 🤣

My husband and I have regular days out and always take lunch with us. The money we save goes towards slap up meals a few times a year. The savings really adds up fast

Get a flask for £10 and fill it with water or coffee each day. It’s really very simple. I was a SAHM with twins for almost 3 years and didn’t spend £600/month. £50-100 a week is more than enough.

day 1 - local park with picnic and flask followed by library visit (FREE)
day 2 - meet with friend for walk, play and lunch (£15-20)
day 3 - play date at friend or families house (FREE)
day 4 - host play date (£10 for food)
day 5 - soft play with hot drink and snack (£20)

Total £45-50 potentially a little more if parking is required and that’s a full week of activities. I used to always have a day or two at home in the week to catch up with chores and relax.

Hot drinks are a total rip off - make your own and get a nice flask.

Don't really want to make this lady feel bad as her latest posts sounds rather anxious and contrite but....yes, she needs to learn there will always be trade-offs to what might be nice or ideal when you have kids. We used to have two incomes and didn't have to care about this kind of spending, but now we very much do, with one income and three kids.

In some homes £600 per month is the monthly mortgage payment. OP you are being ridiculous. You don't need to have lunch out every day or even buy coffee out. You have the solution buy a flask. Going to the park you can take a water bottle from home. It cost nothing at all unless you have to pay for parking. Go for a walk with your DC. There must be some green places close to you, or go off somewhere on the bus or drive. Buy a National Trust membership then you wouldn't have to pay entry everywhere. NT places have playgrounds and often indoor play. You might live to regret wasting so much money at some point in the future. My nephew earned close to £180k salary until he lost his job. It took him almost a year to get another job and then he had to take a massive salary cut just to get a job. My sister used to say he gets through money like water. He learned to cut back. You are not earning so you need to cut back. You have a very generous DH.

Fuck me, £150 is loads! A coffee out is max £5 a day, and you are making ridiculously expensive choices overall. Why have you taken a year out with your toddler when you don't want to just spend time with him/her without spending loads.

Also if you desperately don’t want take a picnic, now is actually the easiest time to avoid that whilst reducing spends. Have a look where near you is offering free kids meals - lots only require any adult purchase so your coffee will count. No it won’t be ultra high quality, most is beige but it’s equal to soft play food and there’s usually a picnic box option. If you find a supermarket near a soft play with a summer pass option you’re golden.

Look at my name, I’m rather renowned for my lavish spending but I struggle to spend it when looking after the kids. I go to church or council groups £1-2 per time. They include T/coffee and biscuits. My little ones have an allergy so I always take packed lunch for them - normally a ham sandwich for my older one. Also saves hassle of buying stuff out. We normally have lunch in a park or on the go. Afternoons park/swimming at our gym/library. I do soft play or another expensive type thing maybe once a month. I normally take a cup of coffee with me.

why did you, OP, want to be at home with DS? You seem unwilling to spend any time of quality time at home work him. Making him a sandwich is too much as it's easier to buy, you cannot scoop him up an ice-cream and rather buy outside several days in a row. I do work and have two DC with complex needs yet I cook from scratch for them. It's not hassle. It's part of parenting and making sure they have a healthy diet is part of it. You seem incapable/unwilling of spending quality time at home. I would cherish that with such a young child. Very few people have the luxury to do that but you seem to burn through time (and money) but avoiding spending time at home. Have lunch at home, go to a park... it's all free. Maybe being a SAHM just isn't for you. Just a thought without judgement. It's not for everyone.

You want £800 per month fun money to be going out with a toddler, that’s £9,600 per year after tax for your DP, or around £16,000 of gross salary. That’s is a huge amount to spend on nothing. I’d be saying no if I was him, and I’m probably the least stingy person I know!

Your being unreasonable. £150 a week is a lot. I easily manage to spend under £200 a month on taking out my 3 DCs. We go to a variety of places and go out lots. Kids don't need expensive soft play frequently when they can run around a park or beach. Your budgeting is the issue not the amount you have. I could afford to spend more but being outside is free and far better for kids (I work with kids)

DC is is not having quality of meat by eating processed crap in an indoor play centre.

What happens is he realises he can’t work without her and wouldn’t be able to afford to have children without her sacrifice

Does he want to work? Did he really, really want children?

If work was so great women wouldn't be queuing up to be SAHMs.

Whilst raising his offspring

Why can you not just stay at home/in the garden with your child, using food from your own fridge, water from your own tap, coffee made using your own kettle and play with the toys you keep getting from the supermarket? Is it because, as you’ve said more than once, looking after your child is a bit ‘grim’?

It is a lot and as a lot of people have said there’s lots to do that doesn’t cost too mich especially when children are small. I’d be keeping money by for when they have expensive hobbies and clubs etc to pay for. Also I have avoided soft play as much as I can in spring/summer as when it’s bad weather and cold the options are much more limited and we spend a lot of weekends and days off at soft play which my daughter loves but challenging as a parent.

Fully understand the need to take them out lots though as I find it stressful when we have days at home and the house just feels like never ending mess so lots of trips to the park, walks, picnics etc. my 2 year old loves a trip to pets at home to see the fish and it’s next door to b and m so I can get the bits of shopping I need done too. I’d love £150 but would struggle to spend it, certainly not every week.

it depends on the costs of the area

The taking a teabag/coffee sachet and asking for hot water made me laugh. Like competitive frugality. 😂

Of course he can work without her, he can leave the relationship and carry on a single life no problem
Men do it all the time

Why can’t you make your own lunch and take it with you but still buy a coffee? I’ve done that so many times.

You are being unreasonable and frivolous, your husband is not a money making machine.

Partly but there's no need to have ice creams 3 times a week or include lunch in a soft play trip. Don't most people go home for lunch as a norm?

Buying a bottle of water is just poor planning!

i agree with PP that your general lifestyle is just very expensive. You say that when it’s hot you buy ice cream so then if it’s hot all week that’s lots of ice cream as though this was somehow beyond your control, instead of thinking, flip, I’ve spent £20 on ice cream this week, I’ll keep it to once a week from now on (tbh to me even once a week is a lot, we buy ice cream out maybe once a month if we’re at an event of some kind?).

and as for questioning if a picnic is cheaper than eating out….that’s just bonkers, of course it is. Look at the price of a loaf and a block of cheese and a bag of apples. Its not £15 is it?

I think you need to shake this mindset that constant spending is normal and that it’s somehow depressing to bring your own food and drinks with you to save money. Most people do the latter.