Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Which is why marriage is important. But there should be a joint account both have access to, surely? They have a child together.

yeah but you aren't going to eat an entire pack of ham in one sitting are you?
So it's not £3 per serving, it's about £1 if that. Which with a fresh bread roll and butter is 10% of what you're spending on lunch. How much hassle is making a ham sandwich, for heaven's sake?

I also missed that the soft play didn’t include lunch and that was £15 on top. What were you doing at the soft play for almost £15 and why couldn’t you go home for lunch?

Okay so the bad news is that you’re in summer holidays which is peak time for a lot of kids activities. That’s not always going to cost that much but right now soft play is flooded with primary school kids and honestly not particularly pleasant with toddlers and also twice the price.

This will not be forever. It’s just for September.

The better news is that there’s usually a lot of free kids stuff on over summer.

Take a break from soft play. Go back when schools are back.

You sound unhinged.

What the actual have i just read 🤦‍♀️

Clearly you are bored stiff with your child's company.

Your child does not need lunch out so often as well as soft play - it's one or the other usually.

Swimming is not expensive and a good life skill.
the library will have child sessions and they will probably be free.

Invite mummies and children round to your house for the afternoon etc

I wouldn't give someone who spent £600 a month on takeaway coffee and softplay free access to my account - would you? Really?

It's normal to have ice cream but it's also normal to take a water bottle and snack and sometimes lunch with you when you go out. I don't know anyone who buys food out with a toddler multiple times a week. Also sometimes when I'm out we just nip into Asda to eat where kids can eat for £1. We very rarely ate a full lunch at a soft play.

I think you have a very healthy budget for essentially going out. It's a lot of money really, £7k in the year you'll be off. Makes me feel a bit ill tbh the thought of spending all that money on coffee, eating out and soft play. Just think what else you could do with that money!

Do soft play maybe once or twice a week. Have lunch out once a week. Go to free or cheaper playgroups in church halls which can be just as much fun for kids as expensive soft play or mini village type set ups.

It’s not necessary to be married to have had this conversation and the understanding that all money into the home is joint when a child arrives. You can be married and still a partner financially abuses. Shared money requires good communication and decency. I agree that having to ask your DH for money is demeaning. I made very sure this was clear before children and I married after our child was born. On the flip side, £150 a week for kids activities is wasteful. My partner and I share a similar attitude to working, saving and spending - for example, I would never have considered a career break to be left raising children while he gets to go to work. I would resent it.

I relate @Tupaas, I love a hot drink when out and about! But if you can get said child occupied for long enough in the morning (play doh/stickers/ even a little tv!) make a coffee flask, pack a lunchbox for them (a carrot/sandwich/pot of fruit/apple, etc. cheap-ish stuff) and make a sandwich and get crisps for you, you can up to a NT place/beach/playground/take scooter/ ball, etc. and have a really cheap and cheerful day - and probs afford an extra coffee and even an ice cream most days!
I would very rarely buy myself and the kids lunch on a day out, unless as a special occasion

it’s a bit grim being with a toddler all day and not even having a hot drink!

Never heard of a flask OP?

You could buy one for not much more than you're spending on a single coffee ...

I think your idea of how you should be able to just go out and buy lunch/coffee/activities frequently without thinking about it is a luxury lifestyle. And if you've got a hefty mortgage then a £100k+ salary may not really make that sustainable. There are lots of ways to make £150 a week provide a really good lifestyle with a toddler but it probably doesn't include lunch out more than once a week. Taking a picnic, your own water, or a flask of coffee is pretty standard and easy to do, especially if you're driving most places. You're talking about spending the equivalent of a kid's annual university fees on making your SAHM life feel like it matches up to influencer blogs.

But, if that's the lifestyle you life otherwise - if DH wouldn't consider taking a water bottle with him instead of buying some when out, if he doesn't think twice about buying whatever takes his fancy or budget for something big, if he'd never say "why don't just make coffee at home" instead of nipping into Costa, then you might not be being unreasonable.

It depends, really, on how much spare money there is after necessary expenses and savings are taken into account. You're already getting £7,500 a year to spend like this. If you got an extra £2,500 a year, what would be cut back for that?

Also community type stuff is usually cheaper - parks, library, community art groups etc. these dry up after school age so make the most of them!

We have (me and 2 kids 2&4) £120 a week fun money, DH covers everything else.

Packed lunches are the best thing ever and yes they do save a lot of hassle (and don't come out of the fun money).

We probably buy lunch out once a week.

We do National trust, parks, woods, we go to a really good stay&play once a week , and I limit soft play type things to once every 2 weeks as it's so expensive and I think they get spoiled with it.

We have a nice coffee machine at home so I don't miss coffee out much - probably once a week if it's somewhere I know the coffee is good.

Our garden is pretty well kitted out with mud kitchen, tuff trays, sand pit etc so we have friends and their kids over a lot.

Anyway £120 is enough and there's 3 of us on outskirts of London.

@Tupaas : "it’s a bit grim being with a toddler all day and not even having a hot drink"

@Tupaas "it feels really miserable to look after a toddler and then have the added stress of not being able to go out and eat with ease"

OP, do you get any pleasure from just being with your child? You haven't mentioned anything positive at all about all the time you get to spend with them while on your jolly career break.

I also wonder if you are building a rod for your backs by raising a toddler who will expect soft play, ice cream, toys and other things for instant gratification every time you go out, rather than enjoying the simple, free things like a game of ball in the park, or a walk around a National Trust garden filling in the free "spot these flowers and animals" games that they usually have available by the entrance.

I actually think your DC might benefit from a few days in Nursery if they learn the pleasures of just playing rather than being bombarded by constant consumerism.

I don’t think it’s about the amount, it’s that he’s in charge of it. You should have access to joint money.

Would he like it you spent all the family savings, or direct debits for essentials went unpaid or you ended up having to borrow for things you should be able to cover because you'd spent too much on coffee and soft play?

The OP wants more than £650 month, but she doesn't seem to know if this is affordable in the household budget.

It sounds as though you’re indulging yourself. Children are just as happy with activities that cost little or nothing, as long as they’re having fun and doing interesting things with you, not necessarily involving ice creams & lunches out.

For days out with a tot that sounds more than enough. However, you shouldn't be using your savings for lunches and coffees, you both agreed that during your career break to raise your joint child that he'll be financially supporting the family, so that should include paying for this, and not having you eat into your savings that are not being replenished. Personally, I'm not as spend happy as you, and I'd be saving as much of that as I could whilst not working rather than spending it so readily.

How much is he paying into your pension whilst you're not working @Tupaas ?

I don’t like that word but if you want to use it - She is insane to have a child and to stop working without being married and with someone who doesn’t view her as a partner. He is insane to have a child (a dependant for at least 18 years) with someone he doesn’t trust with his money. I wish more people would understand that having children links you to someone else for life.

Yep, I totally agree with you. No common sense from anyone in this scenario, quite frankly.

Lots of people are focused on whether or not this is enough money. It is enough, but the point should be that you should yourself be aware of what the household budget is. You should have agreed on an amout that you have to spend on child related activities and an amount for your own fun money. You should know where the rest of the household income is going and have agreed to that. Rather than asking your dh for more money, ask to go over the household budget together and take equal responsibility for managing it and setting your goals together.

Aye, ok princess 😂