Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

150 a week for incidental fun things is loads. You need to budget, eg set aside some days when you go out for activities and snacks, and some where you stay at home or take a picnic or go to an entertainment that's free.

Does he buy all the groceries too?
What does his budget look like? Income? Mortgage? Bills? How much fun money does he have?

YABU and wasting so much money.

Between my DH and I we earn close to 3x what your DH does and I’d never blow that kind of money on frivolous stuff like that.

Take a packed lunch and a flask and go to the park, then put all that spare money in a stocks and shares ISA. You should easily get a return well in excess of 10% on the ISA. Keep up those good habits and you can retire early/work part time.

You’re not working and haven’t got time to pack a lunch and make a thermos of coffee to take out ?

Genuine question
what did you think parenting would be like?

OP.

Take thermos hot water and coffee sachets.

Take picnic lunches...easy ones...hummus, tearing bread. Fruit, tortilla chips.

Perhaps get a bread making machine.

Always take 2 bottles of water,leave one in the car as a spare.

Aways take kiddie snacks.

Then you'll be loaded 😀

There's also no way 15 quid soft play lunch is anywhere near the quality of a picnic!

it might not be luxurious but most people would eat lunch out once a week, if that, not every day! Same with paid activities like soft play - most people with young kids would mix things like that, cinema, swimming with free activities like the park, beach, going for playdates at a friends' house, etc.

you don't have to pay for any of those things - you could park further away and walk, take your own snacks and coffee, have an ice cream when you get home, go to the park instead of softplay. DS wouldn't care if his ice cream came from the van or a multipack so most of those treats are for you - therefore if you want to give yourself multiple little treats every single day while not working it's reasonable for you to pay for it yourself out of your savings.

you are taking the piss with this extortionate fun money. Some families buy food with that budget and that is A LOT OF FOOD!

not judging you, if he has the money, let him give it, but you are totally taking the piss and the mickey of your motherhood life. Save some for the child and given he does not share finances with you but sends over, keep it secret and save it!!!!!

there were times when I would go to a coffee shop with our child few times a week but that would be budgeted money and with 150 I would stretch a whole month, this included coffee shops 3 times a week, I literally just would buy her what she wanted and for me glass of water from the nice waitress, soft play and craft bits every week. You can literally do visits every single day on much less than what you are presenting.

Again , if he is happy with this and has enough in his income, go forward. But if you want to improve your own savings, that is plenty for you to spend and save

Find out how much an au pair or nanny charges locally. Plus activities. Then charge him that.

I hate soft play. Pricy, horrible food and someone always catches whatever lurgy is doing the rounds.

Have you got a good zoo near you? Annual membership usually costs just over the cost of 2 individual visits and you can then go whenever you want. Take a picnic, see your favourite animals, play in the playground, you get a coffee, little one gets an ice cream. You've spent less than a tenner after the initial outlay.

Art galleries, museums etc often have free activities for kids

Why don't you have equal access to a joint account? If you are married all income is both of yours i.e. you should not use savings to buy yourself coffee.

“£150 a week for one child isn’t enough” 🤣 you’re so out of touch it’s laughable. I am off work for 7 weeks for the summer holidays, I have two children - 5 and 3 and I’m not spending near that. No he doesn’t need an ice cream every time you go out when it’s hot. You don’t need to buy bottled water. You don’t need to be out for the whole day and buying lunch out.
My kids get one “out of the house” activity a day - this could be 2 hours soft play, a few hours at the park, a play date, a day away somewhere. The rest of the time we will play in the house/garden. If we’re out for the whole day I will pack up a lunch - a couple of sandwiches, fruit, crisps and biscuits. If it’s hot we’ll get the paddling pool out and they can have an ice lolly from the freezer. You really don’t need to be spending £600 on “fun” every month. Side note that is more fun money than most people have. I think we have about £400 a month and that covers everything that isn’t bills/savings/food shopping.

They're not married.

miserable to entertain your child? 😂
They love it, they need to do activities every day and spend energy and have fun. There are more than enough hours in a day to be at home.

It's tiring, but once you have a child you do go out with them all the time, you only stop when they are teen and go themselves - and they still need transport anyway.

And what happens when he turns round and charges her her share of the mortgage, the bills, the groceries, the utilities and the council tax, plus whatever else he has to cover as the sole earner?

More than I have left after my bills and I need to spend that on food!

I was a SAHM with 3 children for several years. My husband is a high earner but I wouldn’t have dreamt of spending that much money every month on toddler activities and eating/coffees out. That’s a luxurious amount of money to be spending on you and one toddler! 3 ice creams out in one week 🤯 And you are complaining to your husband that it’s still not enough!

Monday: Soft play for the morning £10, one coffee £4. Arts&Crafts in the afternoon.

Tuesday: Free rhyme time at the library and then baking cupcakes at home.

Wednesday: Playgroup at the Church £3 and then a walk/scoot in the afternoon.

Thursday: Go to the playground/beach/woods, take a picnic, buy an ice cream £3

Friday: Toddler group - eg music/baby ballet/messy play £10 and then treat yourselves to a lunch in a cafe £25

Total: £55

I still don’t understand how you think £150 isn’t enough?!

Seriously? What a stupid suggestion. Who will pay her half of the mortgage and bills that he could "charge" her for if you want to go down that road!

You don’t have joint finances. You decided to take a break from work. You have fucked yourself over here. Next will be the argument all the money you are saving “him” in nursery fees.
£150 a week is a massive amount for child activities ( I presume you like doing to spend quality time with your child…)

You won’t put your hand in your pocket to cover a lunch or an activity for yourself at weekends?

You took a career break and you decided to have a child. Why does your partner have to cover your “spends” on top?

You don’t have joint finances so why did you expect this to go any other way? I would never ever agree to what you have done without joint access. And I pay more than my fair share on a lower wage than my partner.

That really is a lot OP.

Kids really late teens now but I only worked a few hours a week when they were little and did things every day with them - I wouldn't have spent near £150 in a month!

We went to church type play groups which were £1 to get in, including drink and a snack - google tells me these are now £2/£2.50. We went to the park, library, walks etc all free. The mums took turns in getting together with cake in each others houses and we went to free museums

Maybe in the holidays when tots groups were off there would be a trip to soft play but we didn't even eat there!

We didn't have the money to spend back then so maybe I would have had we done but me and the kids did have a wonderful time on so little.

I miss those days of free fun now a basic cinema night is £100 and a family meal out £200!!

Reading your most recent updates it sounds like you’re putting too much pressure on every day being perfect? A picnic caj literally just be stuff you have in your cupboard thrown in a bag….2 mins to prep….a sandwich, a satsuma / some grapes / cucumber sticks, a rice cake, a yoghurt etc. there is no need for lunch / coffee to be a big event every day. Likewise, we always have ice lollies in the freezer so will have one when we get home. A walk in the park and feed the ducks, then home to play, read etc. yes of course it’s nice to have bigger days some days but no need for every day. I’d say £600 a month is extremely generous. When on mat leave I had £50 per week and most weeks had money leftover.

IMO having to ask your husband for money is not the vibe, no matter how much it is. Equal access to all the money in the household is how me and DH like it!

If I was you I’d buy lots of kiddie snacks for our n about in with the groceries, get a refillable water bottle for you and one for the toddler and take it with you, with a piece or two of fruit for a snack and maybe some crisps or something for you and one of the kiddie snacks for the toddler with a piece of fruit. You could even cut up strawberries or melon and put them in a Tupperware. Buy a wee lunchbox now and it’ll do you when the kid goes to school.

I certainly wouldn’t be buying a toddler an ice cream every day - that’s what multipack lollies from the supermarket are for!!

My routine would be. Get up. Breakfast. Some chores / tidy up house while toddler plays. Early lunch. Out to soft play. Home. Snack. Play out in garden etc. dinner prep. Eat tea. Bath. Bed. Evening with other half. Or do soft play first thing if toddler still has afternoon nap. Just because you’re at soft play you don’t need to be buying a coffee and something to eat like lunch or whatever. Go between snack times and have a bottle of water and a snack in your bag?

How was soft play today £12.99?