Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

i think this- she had described spending the day with her toddler as grim twice so far. Maybe rethink the career break OP

Find free places to go to , parks , museums, libraries, or buy a family NT membership so you have different places to go, with free parking and often child friendly play areas. Take a picnic while the weather is good. Make a few friends so you have someone to go with.

Take your own water out , or coffee in a flask. Your child probably has loads of toys they never play with. So instead of buying new crap divide the existing toys into four, box them up in non see through boxes and rotate them on a bi weekly basis. will keep the house tidier too!

the problem isn’t the amount - it’s the fact that you’re not an equal partner. I would only do this if the money coming in is considered joint and you both have equal access. I did the same and my husband has never once looked (let alone questioned) how I spend our money.

But presumably you weren't spending loads?

Yeah, you're totally out of touch. Get yourself a thermos and start packing lunches and start budgeting. Can't actually believe this is serious.

You ask for hot water and use your own teabags/coffee sachets???? There is skimping and then there is skimping...

I wouldn't do soft play more than once per term. It's HORRID. Noisy, hot, food is awful coffee disgusting.

We used to tour the ordinary play parks - mostly free other than fuel to get there, parking usually free, and had season tickets (National Trust, Legoland bought with Teco vouchers, Beaconscot, select local attractions where you go once and you're in for the whole year). Always took flasks, cold drinks, snacks. Rarely ate out. Ice cream or lolly if a hot day sometimes.

I agree OP is being unreasonable but she is also saving her husband nursery fees here.

Can we please also not undervalue how hard it is looking after young children all day?

All that said I spent £30 max a week on Mat leave (sometimes nothing) and sought out free things where possible. Still now, I work part time and I take a packup for me and the children on ‘days off’. But, if I bought a coffee my DH would never begrudge it as I’m looking after the children for him as much as me.

Im sure her DH is enjoying never having to take days off for sick kids or do drop off and pickup at the nursery… as well as the cost.

If you are going to leave the workforce to care for your shared child, then you should be sharing his earnings. You both should have access to the account. If the budget is tight and you need to dip into savings, both of you should be dipping into savings.

I would be livid if DH was dipping into savings for coffees!

maybe I do spoil ds a bit, but tbh I thought it was pretty normal to get ice cream if it’s hot and if it’s hot 3 days a week then that’s that. Everyone I meet up with I think is the same.

As for preparing a picnic, is it really that much less than buying food when out?! It just adds hassle to an already manic day. Buying ham for instance if it’s decent quality would be 3-4 pounds.

I clearly I’m not good at budgeting but it feels really miserable to look after a toddler and then have the added stress of not being able to go out and eat with ease etc. Feel like I’ve got this all wrong

You can have a hot drink. Pack a thermos?

I do think you need to reframe your mind.

Does your toddler really need that amount of money spent? Mines happy walking around the local area with a harness on and collecting rocks or pointing out nature. Lots of free toddler activities (or a couple of £) if you get your diary in order and track these things down. We go to a few and they range from donations - £4 each.

Hello, apologies. I haven’t read the whole thread but I wanted to give you my experience which I hope helps. I took 12 months of almat leave and I received £1000 per month pay. I have a working husband with a good salary not quite what yours has but not far off. I agreed to pay one monthly bill which is £350. So it left me with 650. My husband and I both thought that would be sufficient.

Because I was going out and about with my son I was filling up the car two or three times a month at £75 per time for petrol. It also became clear my husband expected me to buy all my other things out of that, so deodorant shampoo things like that would come out of that money. He put all day working so if we needed a couple of bags of shopping for me and the child that come out of these funds. I tried to live as cheaply as possible, but after about six months it became clear that every month he had about £2000 spare & was buying himself what he wanted (clothes, treats, etc) and I was scraping by on own brand toiletries and not at a haircut in about four months.In the end we agreed for me to go back to work and the child to go to nursery, because he couldn’t wrap his head around giving me his money to get my hair etc done.

So I suppose it depends what this money is for. If it’s just for activities then £650 is very generous. But if you’re also filling up the car, buying bits of shopping, doing all of the other things like updating empty toiletries, maybe going for the odd haircut, then I’ll admit that I did struggle to manage on £650 a month for my toddler and I.

He has to cover her pensions contributions then. I wouldn’t do the stay at home mum thing for a guy to have his career if I wasn’t married. There has to be a safety.

As a family we have a much lower family income so I’m getting the child benefit and thus I got the National insurance credits at least…. We also don’t have a joint account but in our case I don’t mind this for some personal reasons. I get the UC in my account covering one bill, half groceries and the rest is children’s needs, activities and entertainment even most of the clothes. I also save a small amount per month at the moment but I hope to increase it.

OP is with a richer man not receiving government help and in some ways worse, I feel. If they break up off course he would give better child maintenance but is that for certain? I don’t know.

In OPs place I would ask for marriage at the town hall and a joint account ASAP but at the same time learn how to budget and enjoy parenthood without so much wasting on lunches and expensive play areas, we live in difficult times! Many useful tips in this thread, we have a membership I get every year on sale around Black Friday for a play area and I have saved £££ plus another one for a local attractions with lots to do, I usually take pic nic with me and will get a coffee and an ice cream (with a small discount) so that’s £10 for a fun day. I walk to and from or take a bus or a taxi back (after we’ve been tired) so that’s another £5 max (sometimes).

And also saving, as much as possible.

have you got mother and toddler groups near you? My kids loved them - I met other mums there too - they made friends too. Often run in church halls with free biscuits and cup of tea for a £1. and a cheap morning.
I bought a gold pass for a local amusemnet / farm type place that had animals and a soft play. It was a while back but when my kids were under 3 it was free for them, and then later it was still economiocal as they had a MASSIVE play area - indoor and outdoor and you could do a whole day there and take a picnic.

But as others say, there is loads of free stuff or cheap stuff. Or at home stuff. You dont need to be out every day entertaining, its really good skill for your child to learn to occupy themselves on their own too

£150 per week to but non essentials just to have fun with. That’s a lot

Bloody hell…. You sound like the posh mum from the Catherine Tate sketches

£4 high quality ham 😂😂😂😂

yes it is cheaper to make a cheese sandwich and some cut up cucumber. It doesn’t have to look like it’s come out of Harrods

Is that how you live your life? Feeling the need to have the best quality ham?

Is everything you buy premium brand?

Because if that's the case, then yes, things do add up. Supermarket groceries are extortionate.

It's surely still cheaper than eating out though.

She may be saving nursery fees, but she's also making the household miss out on her entire salary for the year - while all sorts of ongoing costs still have to be paid out of her partners' income.

Wow you want more.....your child sounds spoilt to be fair that's an awful lot to spend on them try some free stuff like woods take pots pans and make mud soup with water or a shower curtain to peg up and do mud painting on.

OK, that's not how I read it. I thought that includes her fun money too, she mentions lunches and stuff at the weekends, but I think I didn't read the OP properly. 150 on soft play and a pret sandwich is a lot, I agree.

Buying ham for instance if it’s decent quality would be 3-4 pounds.

I just bought 2 packs of Taste the difference for £5 in Sainsburys....

I clearly I’m not good at budgeting but it feels really miserable to look after a toddler and then have the added stress of not being able to go out and eat with ease etc. Feel like I’ve got this all wrong

I hated been stuck in the house with a toddler but you don't need to spend a lot everyday.

A cheese sandwich, is pennies. Little kids want for very little, you’re probably projecting.

Cook an unsmoked gammon joint and freeze portions which is cheaper than packaged ham.

You keep saying miserable and other negative words about looking after a toddler. I’m not sure why you wanted a career break? It’s v difficult but I wouldnt say im miserable when with my toddler all day.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to get a bloody grip.

@Tupaas how old is your dc? Did either of you save for maternity?

I managed 2 on that and brought the weekly shop most people don't have that budget many not even for a month.

Again you are saying it is really miserable to look after a toddler why don't you go back to work and then you won't have the worry of costs of days out or having to make a picnic?
There really is no shame in saying you aren't enjoying being a SAHM and returning to work. Then you can do all these fun activities when you are home at weekends or have time off.