Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

OP learn how to make a packed lunch and a flask. Invest in a water bottle. In fact, there us free drinking water at NT

I'd love £150 a week spending money! It's a generous amount. Don't buy coffees out if you can't afford them, or cut down on something else.

Edited for typo

Surely this is a wind up?! Haha 😆 honestly, thank you for giving me a laugh today.

Our household income is a lot higher. I use to take a flask and a picnic. Think about putting £3600 in your pension, or going away as a family.

I think the problem is you are trying to live a work style life on pocket money budget. £150 a week is a fair amount but not for eating out or coffee every day - If you are coffee drinkers get a coffee machine and take it with you. Somedays just a walk in the park to feed ducks, or go to the library for story time, or my local health visitors put on free classes for different things e.g. baby massage, baby say and sing when older etc. I remember being quite short on cash (I got no pocket money, shared accounts so I knew we didn't have spare!!) but I wanted the first year, so I also did a few things to earn money - including always sorting through baby stuff and selling stuff on, selling other things cluttering the house that we could let go. BUt thats all peanuts to 600 a month to be fair.

I think set your sights a bit lower, don't sub the shopping, don't pay at weekends - he isn't pulling on his savings and he wants you home just as much, but also plan on getting back to work and do a few things to keep your hand in so you can walk back into something later

£150 a week is more than I spend on groceries, going out and petrol. He's not stingy.

You are out of touch, many households have less than that per week and also have to spend the budget on food. How about inviting people for a park picnic or blackberries are coming out early this year, you could have a foraging day.

It depends on the income and general standard of living in the household.

I have a friend who struggles to buy school uniform for her DC. Ice cream and treats while out are completely out of the question. Her husband earns a 6 figure salary and buys himself very expensive sports gear.

They have very expensive annual passes for certain theme parks and passes for certain other local attractions, but she doesn't have any money for the kids to do, e.g. soft play or wall climbing at the local leisure centre. She struggled to afford new glasses for one of the boys. She couldn't afford a babysitter for a job interview at one stage so I had her younger one.

Their financial set-up is bizarre and I suspect borders on financial abuse.

You are being ridiculous. Of course you can buy a hot drink every day , even if they are £4.50 , on £150 per week , and pay for a lot of other things too .
You are on an unpaid career break , not a holiday .

I wanted also to mention the pension contributions. You’re not married so you wouldn’t get his if you’d break up. You’re not working so obviously you have none from employment. And lastly I assume with this family income you don’t get child benefit that offers National Insurance Contributions until child is 12 years old.

Worth reading this:

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/benefits-if-you-have-children/changes-to-child-benefit-from-2013

You don't have to have lunch at softplay or even go at all. £3.50 for an ice cream is a rip off.

Yes. I would. Because I can afford it. If they're not skint, then he's being a tight arse.

But then again, I would have never agreed to an allowance in the first place, something must not have been properly discussed and agreed.

I think the issue is that you're treating every day like a weekend day or a holiday, and planning activities accordingly.

If your DC was with a nanny, they wouldn't be doing very expensive activities everyday. They'd do a mixture of park, playground, library, maybe swimming and a couple of classes, the odd museum outing, playdates with friends, soft play as an occasional Friday treat. And then you'd do the big days out at the weekend.

the problem isn’t the amount - it’s the fact that you’re not an equal partner. I would only do this if the money coming in is considered joint and you both have equal access. I did the same and my husband has never once looked (let alone questioned) how I spend our money.

It’s ridiculous.

how are you paying for things like haircuts, clothings, tampons, and shampoo? Is he buying these things or do they have to come out of your allowance and savings as well? What if you need to take a trip to visit a sick family member, who pays for that?

If you are going to leave the workforce to care for your shared child, then you should be sharing his earnings. You both should have access to the account. If the budget is tight and you need to dip into savings, both of you should be dipping into savings.

editing to add, I don’t care how much he gives you for an allowance. It could be 20k a month and I would have a problem with it in general principle. You should be partners.

Of course there will be some people who entertain 5 toddlers a week for 60p so I’d ignore them but… yeah I think £150pw is absolutely fine. I manage on that with 3 kids during the hols for activities. We do 2 days of cheap things (park, picnic, museum, library, bus to the local city farm, charity shop roulette, second hand bookshop, Hobbycraft trip plus art afternoon, board games, bike rides) 2 days of expensive things (cinema, soft play, fairground, trampoline park, swimming, science museum) and organise a few play dates. I always take water with me (such a waste to buy 4 bottles each time!), we often have packed lunches and icecreams are the treat they get when we get home (I can buy three multipacks a week for the cost of two single ice creams out).
Maybe track your spending for a week to the pound and figure out where you can save. I can usually afford a coffee out each time but it’s pretty shit coffee at most soft plays so I take my own. Ditto their cafe offerings.

Taking the career break is neither here nor there really. Shes looking after their child in the process and yes he should pay for their costs in the mean time... that said op, not sure why you're not budgeting the money he gives you unless you can justify 800 on activities (im including the extra 50 you want) then its him you need to talk to not mumsnet.

For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

We have more than 5k a month & I wouldn't spend £650 a month on coffees & soft play.

Given the amount he earns, I think it would be reasonable for him to give you the equalivalent of what he would otherwise spend on childcare. This would be a lot more than £150!

He doesn't earn enough to be able to afford £800 on bottled water and lunches out....

If you can afford for someone to spend more than the almost 8k a year OP is currently spending on takeaway coffee and soft play, then this probably isn't the thread for you.

It's not "being a tight arse" to say "that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on tat". It's bloody sensible - especially when they're living off one income.

Bloody hell, I don't even have that in my budget for a monthly food shop for our household - 2 adults, 2 cats and we both work full time

I bet your wee one would love a picnic in the park sometimes instead of soft play lunches. This alone will save a few pennies and I nearly always take a drink out with me unless I'm specifically going out for food & drink, which is another saving.

You have no idea how lucky you are OP

They're not married - he would be absolutely insane to give her free access to all his money.

I don't see the issue if he had paid for the occasional coffee? Why not? You are entitled to some pleasure.

Yeah but not £600 each and every month over and above all the essentials. That is nobody’s definition of ‘an occasional coffee’

I think this is enough money OP, although perhaps your area is v pricy because it wouldn't cost as much near me for soft play. In the summer I would cycle through a few free places like parks, museums and libraries. Plus going to visit friends or family. I spend a lot of the summer meeting friends for picnics in parks - definitely under £10 even if you are paying parking and coffee/ice cream. If the weather isn't great, swimming is also relatively cheap. I used to do things like go to the library and a wander round the charity shops. I had a very restless toddler and it was difficult keeping her entertained at home so we did go out a lot.

I don't think you need to stop coffees out necessarily, just plan a little and try to avoid things like buying extra toys in the supermarket.