Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Are you for real?
That's a huge amount for non-essentials!

£600 a month is a huge amount even if it does include her fun money. Most people have nowhere that amount to fritter away on activities, coffee and days out.

You wouldn’t eat all of the ham in one sandwich though, it would last a few days and even a fresh bakery loaf of bread is only £3-£4 so for £8 you have enough to make sandwiches for lunch for 2-3 days. You can add some crudettes like cucumber or carrot sticks and cherry tomatoes on the side and that’s 2-3 days lunches for under £10 rather than spending £15 on lunch out. Plus of course you don’t have to have expensive ham and expensive bread, a block of cheese would be the same price as the ham but easily do a week’s worth of sandwiches. If you really don’t want to make your own food you can buy a meal deal sandwich, with a drink (including option of coffee) and a snack for under £5 in most supermarkets.

£600 is more than my teen's extra curriculars in a year (including 2w away).

I think when mine were toddlers it was £20 a week for fun. If we went for coffee and cake after a group one week, we didn't go to soft play. If we went to soft play, we didn't go out for lunch.

We did a lot of walks, picnics, park trips, puddle splashing, duck feeding, art, crafts...

We also did 1 class so music, gymnastics, buggy fit (which didn't come out of that budget) plus stay and play activities in church halls which were a couple of quid and did come out of the £20.

I totally agree she’s out of order.

But I just wanted to quell some of the comments that completely disregard one parent staying at home and the work it entails.

My weekdays with my toddler are precious to me, but far harder than my work days (and I have a high stress job).

I don’t know what circles you move in, but it’s never been normal in my social group to buy kids ice cream just because it’s hot. Mine probably get an ice cream that wasn’t from the supermarket about five times a year as a holiday treat or at a particular event. They mostly get lollies at home from a supermarket multipack!

And I’ve no idea where you’re shopping but I can definitely make a picnic cheaper than buying food out - or we often just went out for the morning then came home for lunch and to potter in the afternoons. Part of not working is that you don’t need the convenience of buying lunches - you have time to make food, batch cook etc.

Honestly if you’re finding being with the toddler miserable and only bearable if you’re out for lunches and big days out and spending money then go back to work. Not everyone is cut out for SAH parenting.

I don't think people are saying it's not work, but OP choose to have a career break and keeps moaning about how miserable it is entertaining her toddler all day without chucking loads of money at him.

It'd probably be best all round for her to go back to work.

You have one child. Nothing about that is manic. If your days are manic you need to do less.

It costs much less than 15 quid to take a picnic. You could do picnics for a week on 25 quid.

OP, you seem to have very high expectations of what you can do in this career break. Yes, it's much cheaper to take a picnic, a kids' water bottle and a flask than to eat out!

Parks and walks are free, as are libraries, and churches often have very cheap mother and baby/toddler groups that are fun. You can balance more expensive things (once or twice a week) with cheap ones.

Are you surrounded by SAHPs with a huge disposable income, OP? I'm wondering where these expensive expectations come from.

Are you in that trap of meeting different people every time you go out? So you only see them on one treat day a week and assume their whole life is like that.

This is hilarious.
What happened to women being financially independent. 😁

Of course it's much cheaper to bring some sandwiches, fruit and drinks in a flask than it is to pay for lunch out, coffees and ice creams every day. I can't believe you have to ask that question.
It sounds as if you hate caring for your toddler.You keep using words like stressful, miserable and manic. Looking after one toddler doesn't need to be any of those things. Many people enjoy it and cope with two or more children. Perhaps taking a career break was the wrong decision for you and you would be better off using childcare and returning to work.

Does it include everything like your social, clothes for you, Beaity etc phone bills or literally just spending money for you and your son?

Buy a refillable water bottle and help save the planet as well as your pocket. Mountain Warehouse do a brilliant one.. Lots of places let you refill your water for free. Ditto taking a hot drink with you - whatever happened to the old Thermos flask. Take a picnic once in a while. Lots of NT places are providing blankets and chairs and there are usually loads of benches in the gardens.

Annual membership to somewhere that has soft play may work out cheaper - our local activity centre/wildlife place has loads of things to do, you can't do it all in one day

Sorry but this is shockingly shit from your husband!! I’d be very resentful after this.

I think the issue is you are referring to your time at home as a career break rather than SAHM. I think in your mind you had the feeling of being more of a lady of leisure getting to go out and meet friends, have lunch and coffee, with your partner paying the costs.
Being a SAHM is very different and maybe that's what you are now realising. Looking after a toddler can be boring but throwing money at them is only a temporary solution. As others have said if you keep buying them toys for no reason (but then go out all the time so they aren't there to play with them) they will begin to expect this all the time and this will become more difficult to manage as they get older and the demands become greater.
I do think you should talk to your partner about whether this arrangement is working and start to look at nurseries.

Even if it does include everything for OP, it's plenty of money. £600 just to spend on whatever you like for you and a toddler each month sounds like a bloody dream to me.

Wish I had £150 a week just for leisure!!

£100k sounds a lot, but it's £5700 pm, and a lot of couples would bring that in, if they were both working.

£600 spaffed up the wall on coffees, bottled water, lunches etc, is eye watering. It's more than double my mortgage payment. And we earn more than your DH.

Can still claim child benefit and either get the money and partner puts in on his tax return to repay it or make the claim but don't take the money. Obviously something to discuss between them.

Agree when you have time passes are totally worth it. We have 1 for a local trampoline park its £10 a month and you can go any day for an hour. It's good for breaking up rainy days in winter without the cost as we only there an hour so I would only really buy a drink at most

I think you are comparing your self to the wrong people. I dont recall my children having an icecream when we were out and about from home ever, even once- it was a holiday treat only, although we did keep cheap ones in the freezer, or make our own ice lollies. I don't know any child or adult that would get 3 in a week. An ice cream van comes around our estate a couple of times a week, I am guessing out of about 200+ homes, around 5 people will go and get themselves and maybe other family members something. And not the same 5 people every time

Yes the pack of ham is £3-4 but it will last 2-3 lunches for you both.

You can spend £50 on a day out with an entry fee like soft play day you mentioned.

Then you have a day out that avoids buying lunch/paying for activity so morning or afternoon visit to park or wherever and £10 for coffee and ice cream.

Scrap the random toys. Or very occasionally. Stops filling your house up and makes birthday and Christmas more special.

You are frittering a lot of money. If you have £200 you will waste more and not feel any different.

3 ice creams a week is holiday level of treat.

OP, you’ve used words like miserable on more than one occasion. Are you sure that you want a year off work? It’s ok to say that being a SAHM isn’t for you and go back to working.