Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Why can't you just get a bank card for the account and use that? It's so strange to me that your husband is giving an allowance for his wife and kid. It's everyone's money surely?

I thought the £150 was for the month and I thought “hmmm, a bit tight maybe but doable” but per week?!! That’s loads! You don’t need to go out all the time - it’s good for little children to see you doing normal things at home and it’s good for them to be a bit bored occasionally so they learn to make their own fun. There’s also plenty of activities you can do at home - make a big batch of play
dough, baking, playing in the garden if you have one, digging in sand or mud, lining a load of containers up outside and pouring water in/out of them, dressing up, making a den, painting, colouring, constructing an obstacle course for toy cars, picnic for the teddies etc etc. Then there are local parks, walks through woods if you have any nearby, children’s centre free toddler groups, the library, and so on. And taking him with you to do normal things like the supermarket shop or posting a parcel etc.

He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much
well how much of the nursery are you actually using for a start?

You can have a toddler with you full time, and do a couple of activities every day - or you'd get insane if you ask me, but have you even looked at cheaper options?

National Trust are boring as heck unless they have great playgrounds, I don't know why people recommend them so much. Fine for a walk once or twice, but regularly?

I'd rather save on expensive activities, go to the free ones and local groups where kids have the same fun, and you meet some interesting adults sharing the same chores sometimes, and use that money to go away for the weekend.

Agreed. Let's deduct all of that from her equivalent of a childcare salary and see how much is left, very much doubt it would be £650 a month.

Jeez oh @Tupaas - YABsoveryU! Nearly everything you’ve listed could be provided for a fraction of the cost - coffee, sandwich, water - bring from home at least some of the time. And if looking after a toddler all day is so hard, maybe ditch the career break.

Honestly- this is such a tone deaf post with so many people struggling to buy essentials let alone treats. Unless there’s a back story that you are the daughter of a billionaire and used to spending £1000s a month, you need to give your head a wobble. Even then, YAstillBU

If you have a healthy household income and you're both able to treat yourself to a fair amount of treats, then no I don't think you should take coffee in a flask and forgo ice creams.

But £150 per week is a lot if that's not expected to cover any household expenses like food as well.

I'm off work with two kids this week and we're not a household that counts the pennies. We tend to spend (within reasonable bounds) what we like. But £150 will easily cover the following for us:

• Day 1 - soft play for two kids and one adult (£19.50), ice cream each (approx £4), coffee for me (£2.50).

• Day 2 - craft sesson at local library (free), cake or cookie for each of us (£5-6) and a coffee for me (£3).

• Day 3 - local city farm (free), lunch and ice cream (approx £20, we take a sandwich for my fussy eater).

• Day 4 - mini golf (£26 for an adult and two kids, our local one is expensive!). There's a bakery nearby where we buy doughnuts to take home (£2.50 for 4).

• Day 5 - Local adventure zoo - £45 for an adult and child, we tend to take a packed lunch but will buy ice creams (£5).

Adventure zoo is a big day out for us and soft play and mini golf are medium days out. We wouldn't usually do more than two big/medium days out per week - other outings would be local playground/free splash park/playing in the woods.

I think you need to mix and match a bit. If you're paying for an expensive activity AND lunch AND snacks AND ice creams AND parking everyday, then yes it's going to blow the budget. But I don't think you need to take a flask anytime soon, if you don't want to. Just have lunch at home and stay local for a couple of days a week.

Oh, I remember it perfect well. It was a treat though, not a 3x a week activity.

It sounds like you can't bear to be at home with your child alone all day if you have to go out all day every day. You really don't know you're born. Go back to work.

Most families don’t have £600 per month for fun activities. We make do with packed lunches and parks or free galleries/museums etc. YABVU.

Exactly. Soft play was something my parents did on Sundays in the middle of winter when it was hammering down with rain all day long, and I'd get a slush puppy from the machine as a treat - on very rare occasions it might be a small portion of chips as well, but never a full meal or anything like that.

Most holidays involved bike rides, trips to the park, playing pooh sticks by the river, free local museums, playing in the garden, baking, watching TV, playing with my toys in my room, playing board games etc. We didn't do paid activities every week, let alone every day!

Why do you need an allowance ? I understand that you are not working at a paid job out of the home but you are caring for his son which is not free outside of a home. Having said that, I don't think you can expect every day to be an expensive coffee and soft play day

I'm astounded that you had to ask this. Take a flask of coffee, take a bottle of water from home, make sandwiches etc etc.

Stay home some of the week and do activities at home that cost nothing.

Honestly OP, I had to go back and read that it was £150 a WEEK! When my DS was little I probably had that amount to last me a month. You are being completely unreasonable here.

Maybe because of her frivolous spending habits?
When I was a SAHM I had full access to our shared account, with only DH's salary (and child benefit) going in, and I wouldn't spend anything like OP, it's ridiculous.
Learn to budget.

No need to be rude. Yes, houses were relatively cheaper but many, many things were not as easy as you may think. As a fellow boomer, I can honestly say that paying for activities for babies, buying coffees and lunches (and bottles of water) was just absolutely not on anyone's radar. Socialising was just round at other mums houses and lots of walks.

I agree with most of the comments about cutting down on bought lunches, hot drinks and treats on a daily basis. But I can’t help but think it’s a strange setup. So who pays for your clothes and child’s clothes? Other things like your beauty things etc.
If you dive in your savings for these it’s a big mistake! So I would expect if you have separate accounts that he gives you more money only if you find yourself buying here and there clothes and shoes for both of you plus toys, your petrol, your beauty stuff, your phone contract and then thar could be like 300 per month minimum. Then the leaves you with less than £15per day, which you can still manage but I need more info for perspective.

I was in a similar case with you and my “allowance” was around £200 but we had the 1/5 of that income. So I would save half of the child benefit (which I assume you don’t get) and then with £250 or so I was covering entertainment, the odd coffee and lunch, treats, my clothes/shoes shopping and child’s too (mostly child’s!! , my phone (pay as you go monthly top up), bus tickets and the odd taxi but also some top up groceries and a paid activity (think like dance etc) or the odd toy/book. We don’t have a joint account.

I did feel sometimes I did not have enough to shop for me or to go to the hairdressers once in a while and then maybe I was asking my husband to get together for shopping for the child so I didn’t have to buy it from the allowance and then I’d have a bit left for that need. We don’t have expensive taste in clothes but we buy something better for shoes if we can (think Clark’s etc)on sales or offers/outlets.

So I really can sympathise if with that allowance you cover the petrol, your phone, your extras, some clothing because it’s then really not fair. As your partner asked you to be a stay at home mum he needs to cover clothes and shoes, petrol, phone and anything like hair salons and needed stuff but you do have to take in account the family’s financial situation because in the end of the day you’re a salary less.

In my opinion though whatever you get try to save some too, even if it’s £50 per month. If I got that right you’re not married and you’re in a worse position if you break up. Also consider put the child earlier at the nursery even if that’s one or two mornings a week. Check if you’re entitled to any free hours. If you find the stay at home mum thing difficult then you can still be one but have two days sorted with your child being entertained and play there. It might be actually come cheaper. Say to your partner you need some “you time” and those two mornings use them for prep for lunch and go to a gym, walk with a friend or have a friend over for a coffee.

Sounds like she has an allowance otherwise she'd spend even more money than she already does!

I read the OP as £150 a month and still didn’t think it was stingy. 😳🤣

I don’t understand why you’re going out all the time, OP. Do stuff at home with your toddler.

but you don't have to go at lunch time either. Go morning before lunch, or afternoon after lunch

Some soft play offer a membership so the entrance is much cheaper.

You can go often, but you can keep it reasonably cheap. The food is usually very expensive and pretty crap.

Exactly! Imagine the roles were reversed and dad was wasting £600 a month on overpriced treats and complaining it wasn’t enough! The OP has rightly been handed her arse but if were a bloke acting like this, she’d be told to LTcocklodgingB

Im not sure I’d want to pool resources with her, that’s for sure

that's not really advice, who wants to be stuck at home all day with a toddler?
Even during the lockdown we all went out at least once a day!

Poor woman will go mad if she can't go out, most of us would. You can do loads of activities but cheaper !

Context is everything here. Which area are you in? It’s obviously far more expensive around major cities and the South East.
How old is your child, age 1 or age 3? It might make a difference to how much you spend in a week.

I would be also be concerned that my pension continues to be topped up rather than spending £00s on stuff.

Maybe reframe it and find other fun things that aren’t as expensive. Once you return to work you may not want to go to soft play every week and your toddler may then not be as content to do the simple activities.
There have been some great suggestions from pp re local groups, also membership of local council swimming pool, country parks and beaches are great fun. We regularly went to our local beach with a picnic and drinks and the only cost was parking, occasionally an ice cream.

As pp have said annual passes to activities are great value. It’s easy to take a pack up for your lunches and then pick up a coffee, or have one at home before you go out and take your own water.
You may well regret the ice cream and toy treats in years to come when you are constantly nagged every time you go out. Buying a little treat for an 18 month old and being constantly nagged by a 4 year old every time you go anywhere are quite different situations.

Finally I hope you enjoy this precious year with your little one, that is the most important thing you can give your child, not treats!

I didn’t say she couldn’t go out. I said I didn’t understand why she was going out all the time. It sounds pretty miserable for the child being dragged around all over the place.

Why don’t you take a packed lunch and soft drinks. I’m sure it would be healthier and a lot cheaper. Your husband is very generous and you need to appreciate what you have. When I had maternity leave I put aside savings to cover days out etc.

7,200 pounds a year😕 im.in my 50s. Working class background. I can't get my head around all these paid outings. Surely there are free things available? It not torture to stop in