Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

You’re living off your DH ON TOP OF sponging £150 off him for leisure money and you’re STILL complaining? Wow. Just wow.
What if it was the other way around? You had the main earning career and he wanted to stop working and bum around soft play all day? You’d be horrified.
I completely understand that there are SAHMs but in my experience they are usually in situations where there’s either multiple DC and/or childcare would massively overtake any earnings the mum could make. Not in every case I’m sure, but that’s what is usually said whenever a SAHM explains why they are such.
To be clear, I’m not criticising you for not working, I’m criticising you for complaining about the amount of pocket money you’re handed.

To answer your question simply, yes. You're out of touch.

Being with a toddler is grim? Ummm why are you taking the career break then?

A bit of preparation e.g. water from home etc and a bit of sensitivity towards those who would have less than that to feed everyone for the entire week might not go amiss. You really don't realise the privilege you have here do you

I actually think you’re in the right on this one. Especially if you are supposed to get petrol out of that which can easily be £50 a week. If he can afford to give you more, why shouldn’t he? Unless he pays for it when you socialise/do things at weekends?

IMHO, you are spending unnecessary money. £30 a day is a lot for everyday expenses for an adult and one toddler. Maybe OK for special days out. I’d be looking to save it for the future, e.g. to cover your year of lost pension contributions.

Even if you have plenty of money, IMHO it’s important to instil in kids how to have fun and amuse themselves for free, e.g. walks in fresh air observing nature, crafts and baking at home etc. They shouldn’t expect to get new toys other than as presents or special treats. In summer, there’s so much to do for free outdoors. But I hated soft play: hell on earth. So each to their own.

I always took out drink bottles for my DC and myself. For environmental reasons as well as pressing financial ones. Packed our own snacks and lunches, as food was always so expensive, processed and limited (for vegetarian). Though I’d buy the odd hot drink or lunch if it meant we could sit in a cafe in the winter. But £4.50 for a coffee is a rip off.

However, it’s all relative. If your DP is such a hugely high earner (£100k!!) then paying you £7,800 to care for his child every weekday is a steal compared to professional childcare fees. I guess it depends on how much your share of other expenses (which he’s covering) amounts to. Might it be better to decide how much he should pay you for childcare/half the expenses for your child, then you pay your half of all household costs out of that ‘wage’ and decide how much of your own money you spend on coffees etc. If he expects you to do more than half the housework and cooking, too, he should also be paying you for that.

Also, have you struck the right balance? Kids love to be with other kids. They learn to share and socialise. If money isn’t a problem, might it be better for your DS to be in nursery with other kids 3 days a week (any less can make them unsettled). Then each of you spend a week day with him, so he has time with both parents - and learns that both fathers and mothers should equally care for their kids.

£150 a week seems a lot of it’s just for activities and the odd coffee alone!
I work 18.5 hours a week spread across 2.5 days, so on Mondays and Tuesdays I take my 2 year old out, today I only spent £11.50 - £4.50 on a teddy he wanted from primark and £7 on a coffee and croissant in the library whilst he played on the play equipment in there. (Not including a food shop from Tesco on the way home) then this afternoon we’ll probably just walk the dog and go to the park, but even if we go to a farm/soft play etc. entry to those is usually only around £10ish, so I think it’s a generous amount for you

In terms of parking, just google "Free parking in X town" and you'll find plenty. When I was a kid, we often parked in random lay-bys or on random side streets to avoid parking costs!

"but it’s a bit grim being with a toddler all day and not even having a hot drink!"

If you think it's a 'bit grim' spending time with your toddler without a bought coffee perhaps you need to rethink being a SAHM and go back to work.

@tumblingdowntherabbithole depends where OP lives - some places have pretty much no suitable free parking within walking distance for a mother and toddler, you can google it all you like but if it's not there it's not there

Still £600 should cover parking regardless!

To me 650'ish a month looks adequate for toddler entertainment (say excluding swim lessons and such like) if you are not having seat down lunches outside home every day. With that, you do not need to go to paid soft plays every day; playdates on playgrounds, going to free museums children's areas when rainy (depending on where you live) , etc would be the core of your activities with paid stuff couple of times a week.
What you could also do (and that's what I would do if I had a luxury of taking a year off) is paying for kids club membership for one year and use it for entertainment and socialising.

Same. For me and three teen/adult DC. We eat very well, home cooked meals (no meat).

£150 a week for fun/extra should be enough.
But I think if you are taking a career break to care for joint DC and as a consequence and save in childcare then all money should be pooled into a joint account, not mine or yours but ours.
Is this £15O purely for DC? And did you mean per week? And is it just for "fun" or does it include clothing, birthday presents etc.
Do you have any money for yourself to buy clothes, get a haircut etc?
Sounds like DH is "giving" you £150 a week almost like an au pair.
So it's not necessarily the amount it's about being a team and working together and pooling resources, which includes both time, labour and money.

Mm, I've never known any town, city or village that doesn't have any free parking anywhere at all. Even where I am (tourist haven) there is plenty of free parking if you look for it. OP may have to use a buggy and walk for 10-15 minutes, but it's there.

£150 PW seems like enough. Think you need try and find some groups and meet other parents as being on your own without adult company when can be tough. But local park or play area is free and being outside is much healthier than indoors.

Just wanted to add, that if not already doing so, make sure you contribute to your pension and claim child benefit. If you choose to get the CB money then your partner would need to pay it back via his tax return but you can claim and opt out of receiving the money.

I’m a SAHP and I thought I was on the spendier end of my SAH friends but I’d spend nothing like £150 a week on leisure unless we were actually on a holiday and splurging on activities. When I had one toddler at home I went to a £1 toddler group one day, a free church group one day, saw family one day and the other two days we went out to friends houses or parks or the library or occasional soft play. We did crafts at home, we read books from the library and he spent an inordinate amount of time playing with bubbles in the bath. We took water bottles and snacks with us if we went out. DC certainly did not get random toys at the supermarket. About the only thing I spent much on was parking fees, and that’s just a feature of the city I live in. I doubt I spent £50 a week on fun/entertainment for DC and definitely not in summer when it’s easy to be outside for free.

Do you think part of it is who you’re mixing with? I found SAH fairly easy because I had a community of other SAH parents, some of whom were very much on a budget, so we didn’t do coffee and softplay, we did meeting at the park or splash pad with a picnic for free. If all your friends are spending a lot I think it’s harder.

I'm on a career break with an almost 5yo and second on the way.
We have a living account and my partner is solely contributing to that, my maternity allowance will go into it once that starts though. I have free reign to it as I did when I was on mat leave with my daughter. Similar situation then, my partner paid the bulk and my maternity pay went in to. It was more than my mat allowance as I was still in employment at that time

I would have to try really hard to spend £150 in a week and certainly couldn't manage it every week!

So far this summer holidays we have had a morning at the soft play £9.50, I had a coffee and cake ~£6. I forgot my daughters water bottle but got her a glass of tap water (free). We left just before lunch and she had a ham sandwich brought from home in the car before heading home. Had she wanted to stay a bit longer I would have bought her some chips (£3) and topped her up with the sandwich when we did leave. That was all the social spending for week 1.

Week 2 we were on holiday we spent

£21 in a nature park - combination of orienteering activity (£4), two coffees (£7) and parking £10. We brought a packed lunch and stayed their most of the day hence the larger parking charge.
£10 adventure playground £5 admission for daughter which included two activities and two coffees (£5) - we spent 5h here very good value for money!
We did a museum the next day £23 for admission. We brought a packed lunch and left after eating it.
Wet day the next day so we did soft play £5 for an hour, £6 two coffees whilst there followed by swimming £11.
We had Sunday lunch out £60 and bought takeaway pizzas one night £20.
Total spend on socialising for the week with two adults £156

The rest of the activities in the week were free. My daughter has allergies so eating out is tricky and bringing packed lunches and snacks in natural for us now. We wouldn't usually buy so many coffees but we were camping and it's a pain to make flasks of coffee every day. Some days we made do with soft drinks.

i have another 2-3 weeks with her alone before we visit family and I have 1-2 days out a week planned and would expect to spend less than £100 in total on entertainment. We are visiting family for the last few weeks where we will do more days out as a family.

I think the specific amount of money he transfers to you is a bit of a red herring here.

Personally this setup would be completely intolerable for me, irrespective of whether my DH was condescendingly bestowing me with £15, £150 or £1,500 a week while I cared for our shared child.

A family budget is something that should be discussed and agreed between both partners as equals. When money is tight, you both jointly agree on your priorities and both take equal responsibility for staying in budget. When money is more plentiful and you don't have to track every penny, you both have equal access to joint funds and trust each other to make good choices.

The idea of being given an allowance by my husband horrifies me.

So you are basically living off him just now and the £600 a month is just extra fun money? Hmm, read the room op, this is a generous amount by most people’s standards, and maybe something you should just enjoy and not shout about too much…

Wow. When I was on mat leave, I used surestart nurseries (ok, no longer here), went to the library, kicked leaves, went to the park, fed the ducks, had a friend round for a cuppa. No paid activities at all.

That really is being unreasonable. Way more than enough. Sounds like you need to go back to work.

Might be worth booking classes for sessions for the term etc? What's your breakdown of the week that's making you think you need more?

This. You have one toddler so it should be more than enough! Mon-Fri thats £30 a day so even with a coffee & car parking every day you still shouldn’t be short!

Gently I think this is our of touch. We have 600 a month after bills for everything else and we are not on minimum wage or have a high mortgage.

I think people just have expectations along the lines of, well, we're a middle class family with professional-level jobs. I didn't expect to be the kind of mum who hauls flasks and packed lunches around, and has to be mindful of things like petrol and parking and soft-play charges, when I'm just mooching locally with DC.

I used to buy a coffee or two most days. Until I realised it was costing me £80-£90 a month.

Truth is, costs have skyrocketed and most of us are 'that kind of mum' now. Wages in the private sector have not kept pace, it would be ruinous to business if they did. Agree with PPs that eating out is a treat, not something you do without a second thought any more.

Mind you, when you see the amount of untouched food left on plates in cafes, you wonder what the point was anyway. Show how rich you are by spending a fortune and leaving most of it?!

Not to mention the exploitation and waste of resources - food, fuel, labour etc - that we MCs are apparently so exercised about.

So I think a recalibration of everyday expenditure was long overdue. Adjusting lifestyle expectations, not so easy!

How much would he have been spending on nursery? If you're getting half that then it's fair. How much is he saving or is he spending more paying the mortgage and bills while you aren't contributing.

I agree that you're spending too much on days out with your toddler but it's all the other things you need to spend money on that don't stop when you take a career break for example health insurance, car insurance, tax, petrol, hair salon and all those come out of savings if you don't have an income.

I am lucky in that my DH does not monitor my spend and all our finances are joint whilst I am not working. However I rarely spend when out with children beyond the occasional entrance fee, petrol and parking. This time of year you can enjoy a lovely picnic in a beautiful setting which will be far more enjoyable than a coffee and cake from a soft play. If you are worried about not having a hot drink just take a coffee warmer with you. I generally take homemade treats for the children, if you are not working you should have plenty of time to prepare things in advance.