Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

[Workingmummyof2beautifulkids]

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

Just stop socialising with them, using them to babysit, or anything else. If your wet lettuce DH wants to keep hanging around mummy and daddy he is going on his own, you and the children won't be going. Then don't enter into any more discussion on the issue.

The thing that stands out is where is your DH in all of this?

ILs leave a mess in your kitchen when you are 4 days post partum - why isn't he cleaning it up?

ILs want you to go to a party when you are ill - why isn't he saying you aren't well enough and that he has to stay at home to look after you and the DCs?

I honestly think you are focussing on the wrong people here. Your DH is right in saying the ILs are who they are and won't change. He's wrong in expecting you to deal with them.

Let the ILs do whatever they want, your issue is your DH needs to have your back.

This and tell him as much and how HE let you down and tell him all of your first message if you haven’t done so and he needs to choose abusive parents or his wife and kids. My ex chose the first and it was hard, but in the long run it was better for everyone.

Couldn’t agree more with this.
Whilst you clearly do have an inlaw problem, the thing you should be focusing on is your husband problem. If he didn’t enable their behaviour, none of it would matter. The inlaws can shout and scream their demands all they want, but if your husband is standing up to them and saying no, then it wouldn’t matter

Did I read that right - you are blaming the in-laws for your husband being drunk and driving both children at 11 pm? Your husband was drunk and drunk drove both of your too children / how is that on them? If your husband drunk drove I wouldn’t be married to him that is unforgiveable

Your husband is just as abusive as them. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. He your Dh is abusive as he doesn’t protect you

You’ve been treated really badly by everyone here :( I’m sorry it’s so difficult.

Unfortunately dysfunctional families often continue over generations. The issue here is your DH, he needs to be on your side first and foremost. And cut these horrible people off. But that will be very hard if his version of ‘normal’ is so warped.

If he has little insight into how fucked up his family is, then it might be a lost cause. I’m sorry, OP :(

This is a dh problem, not an in law problem. I can't get over that he took your newborn baby off the ward and away from you, what was he thinking!?!

I wonder about some sort of couples counselling with your dh to explore why he doesn't have your back might help? The fact he hasn't protected you when you were vulnerable is not a good look!

Sounds like a DH problem - he should be supporting you and telling his parents what is and isn't acceptable. If he won't or can't you either accept it or move a long way away....

Your ILs are not nice people but your husband sounds pathetic. Why is he not sticking up for you?

You should be demanding better from your husband. He can socialise with his parents but you don’t have to. If they come to your home again, walk out. Do nothing for them.

I’d also be suggesting your DH speaks to a therapist about why he is so passive with their poor treatment of him and you. There’s clearly a lot to unpick and a few sessions might open his eyes.

Also please don’t waste your precious energy in trying to get on with the toxic in laws. They are no good and it will never work. You sound like an empathetic person and that makes you at risk of putting your needs last. Just cut them off. If your partner wants a continued relationship with them, fine. You don’t need them in your life.

He's taking our children regardless of how I feel as apparently its not fair on the grandparents not seeing them. He cant see that his parents never visit us and say its easier us going to them.
I am currently being accused of being manipulative and keeping the children away from them over how I feel, which is not the case.

Ive tried to discuss my feelings with my husband but hes very dismissive, saying I'm the one with the problem and why I cant go along with the way his dad to make life easy.

I have been accused of wrecking our marriage over this and he wont take my feelings on board. I have no opinion except from being in the wrong.

It’s very hard having a difficult relationship with in-laws (I speak from experience) and to have a husband who has a difficult (abusive) father ( I also speak from experience for my DH and his DF).
Is it something you could take to marriage therapy with your DH? If he won’t recognize the dysfunctional dynamics and is always ‘a good boy’ then little is going to change.
It’s very hard for the adult child as because at some level they can see what is happening is wrong but they are also so conditioned to obey they find it really hard to change that dynamic.
Moving far away can help (we moved to another country). But also establishing better boundaries eg when I was pregnant with DC 2 I explained that I would not be driving 2 hours with DC and DH every weekend to go and visit DFILs for the day/overnight. DH was welcome to do so and take the children but it was too much for me. I said FIL and MIL could visit whenever they wanted - I knew they wouldn’t as they hate the M25. DH was a bit put out but actually we were so knackered he was relieved and we also realized how crazy he had been doing this when DC1 was a baby.
My DH actually needed therapy to deal with the abusive nature of his childhood but that took a long long time to come about.
It’s hard to explain to those that haven’t experience it the hold that an abusive parental relationship can have on a man. They still look for the approval and love they never got but still desperately want.
I do totally understand the sadness. Maybe an impartial third party in the form of a therapist could be useful. I’m sure your husband loves you deeply. But he is entrenched in these unhealthy dynamics and probably doesn’t see them clearly.
Now after 20 years of marriage my relationship with my IL is more cordial. (They didn’t like my religion, my being a SAHM, I was left out of family photos by FIL, basically told I should get a job - what do I do at home all day? Etc etc)
But my FIL is still very difficult and DH has learnt to push back a bit. Therapy helped him to establish better boundaries. I do believe moving away really helped us. Also I am proud that I protected my children from ILs - my two DN were cared for by ILs a lot - holiday and after school care. My older DN has anxiety and my FIL is horrible to her. My other DN is the favorite and also gangs up on older DN.
DH and I protected our children from that and that is something to be proud of. You will find the things to be proud of too.
You can’t ’make’ your DH see the issues here. But you can have firm, calm boundaries and protect your children and yourself from them. This doesn’t mean they don’t see their GPs but you can limit it.

The more you post, the worse your DH sounds.

Please do not back down and put yourself second to the in laws.

I've just reread the post and realised your dh drunk drove with your dc in the car - this is so far beyond acceptable I can't express it. I actually think I'd leave a partner who endangered your dc in this way and use it for grounds to only allow supervised contact!

You don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem.

Your in-laws are doing whatever because the person who should be stepping in, is not.

Re-focus and target the right area. Your DH left you to clean up, your DH prioritised his family over his DD, your husband is not putting healthy boundaries in.

You can put a boundary that you won't socialise with them until some healthy, agreed, applied, boundaries are in place and that there is a clear prioritisation of you and your children appropriate to this stage (post c section).

Honestly, you can't change your in laws. Go no contact. Put you do need to speak to your husband. I personally would make him read this post and the responses. He needs to step up and support his wife, and shouldn't be allowing anyone to ignore or mistreat her. He might not want to cut ties with his parent, fine. But he then needs to respect and support your decision to not have contact with them, and potentially the children need to have low or no contact with them.

A husbandectomy would resolve so many of your problems, OP. Your in-laws are nasty bastards and they have bred a nasty bastard who you unfortunately married.
My DH is far from perfect but it would be a cold day in hell before he allowed or excused any member of his family (or humanity at large, really) to treat me like this.
You and your DC deserve so much better than this spineless, selfish little man.

How old is your baby now? It’s really concerning that 6 weeks after birth you didn’t feel able (and supported) to stay at home with your baby and felt forced into driving to your FILs birthday meal. I would keep hammering this example with your husband as evidence that something needs to change (including seeking therapy for him).

It’s also ok (and yes I have realized this in retrospect for myself) to say DH I am 4 days PP and very tired please can you clean up the kitchen’ or DH I am very tired I am going for a nap. Or this is too much for me.
These are all things I realized in retrospect. If you have grown up in an emotionally dysfunctional abusive home it can be hard to recognize it and then deal with it.
But really try not to make it a you and DH issue. It’s not worth losing your marriage over this. He must respect you professionally and your choices - you chose him after all and your parenting.

This, absolutely. No-one "made" him drink-drive. He chose to do it.

Ah, I'm sorry. I think this autocorrected. It was me who drove home as i was made aware by the husband and family that I was 6 weeks postpartum and could drive again. Sorry about the confusion, I would have contacted the police had this of been the situation. My children are my life!! This is the only reason why I am still with my husband.

I think she means she was forced to drive home six weeks post C-section as he was drunk.

Wow, who made your day shitty.

I dont expect them to do anything. My husband arranged that! We have zero help with childcare.
Can you take your harsh words and direct them somewhere else please.
I am looking for genuine help! Not trollers.

Your husband took your brand new baby off the ward to meet them. Fuck me, at that point I would have dumped his weak arse. (Im also surprised he was allowed, aren't babies tagged now to stop this very thing?)