Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

[Workingmummyof2beautifulkids]

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

Sorry OP but your DH is the problem. He doesn't care what you think or that his shitty family treat you badly. If I were you, I'd be separating from him and then you'll never have to see his horrible family again.

I had a terrible relationship with my fiancé's mother. She eventually said I wasn't welcome in her house, which was a blessed relief tbh as I never saw that witch again. Unfortunately my fiancé wasn't able to be happy in a relationship where his mother and wife couldn't get along and we broke up.

It took me a long time to recognise my ex-Fi's part in the whole saga. He never had my back. Said all the problems were either in my head or caused by me. It really damaged me for years after we broke up.

Had our mil issues arisen post marriage I don't think our marriage would have survived.

When your Ils said you weren't welcome three visits ago, I'd have taken them at their word and jumped at the chance to stop seeing them. DH can go alone with the DC.

DH doesn't sound helpful or supportive of you outside of his parents either though. Letting you clean the kitchen, forcing you to drive....

Goodness me, you all sound hard work.

As adults, sit down with your family and talk. Work out ways to solve the issues you all have. Listen to each other, hold each other to account, see each others point of view, compromise.

All of you.

Yay!!! Just chill man and have a spliff 😵‍💫

Your ILs are not the problem here - they are A problem but not THE problem. A man that won't stand up for his DW when she's treated like shit is not a husband. I would urgently try to get into counselling so your DH can hear from an unbiased third party that his parents behaviour is disgusting. If that doesn't work, I don't say this lightly but I'd divorce him. This will never get better.

Dh - I love you but this is not working as it is currently. I think we're both starting to feel a bit resentful of each other and I'm worried about where that will end up. We need to find a way to listen to each other and agree some better boundaries together that means we all feel heard and respected. So I'm booking us in for marriage counselling because I think having a place where we can go and talk about this and really hear each other will be good for us. It is very, very important to me that we do this and I hope you'll be supportive and give it a good shot as well.

If he refuses to go then I'd be opening a bank account in your own name and saving hard into it.

Obviously your dh is the issue here because he's unable to recognise how inappropriate his parents behaviour is and to put in place boundaries. He's also not recognising his own responsibilities eg. The fact he left you to clean up after they cooked. It can be hard for someone who's always been surrounded by dysfunction to recognise it, but that's where he needs to step up and support you and counselling is probably the best space you can create for him to reflect on that without judgement.

Going forward I would want to be no contact with his in laws and if he wants to continue that then that's up to him. But it's worrying they'd be so quick to undermine you in front of your kids. So there's a question mark there for me whether or not he can manage their behaviour in front of the kids or if the kids would need you there for that.

There's a point where unconscious ignorance becomes conscious ignorance and i think your dh is crossing that line and I think counselling might also create some accountability.

Agree 100% - nobody made him get behind the wheel

OP drove them all home. He was too drunk and did not get behind the wheel. RTFT..

its not your in laws making your marriage misreable its your husband. he's chosen his parents over you again and again even in your most vulnerable moments. he doesn't care to even put his own children first. you need to have a come to jesus talk with him, and actually be willing to follow through. either he gets into counselling to deal with his enmeshment with his parents, creating and enforcing proper boundaries and working to heal the damage he's caused you're out. thats the only way to deal with this situation.

Your ‘outlaws’ sound awful.
Your husband needs to decide whose side he is on - if this isn’t you then you have your own decisions to make.

How did they force your husband to drink drive?

Sorry I just read your update, my apologies.

@Lavender14 just copy pasted this from the op ‘He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.’

I had read the original post, which presumably had an ‘I’ missing? I don’t think the update had appeared when I commented - I try hard to make sure I read all of an OP’s posts before I respond.

Op, just go no contact. Say to your DH that he is welcome to see his parents and take the kids, but due to how you’ve been treated, you will not tolerate it anymore. So for the sake of your marriage, keep them separate. And when he takes the kids, that’s when you have a lovely relaxing day and think yourself lucky you don’t have to be involved with these people.

You are sane. I have so much solidarity with you as I am in the same situation. It’s amazing the havoc they cause and others don’t really understand if they haven’t lived it. I don’t know what the answer is but I am having some counselling specifically for this. I also try my best not to see my MIL or FIL.

I also recommend having a look at a book about toxic in laws. It may just make you feel a bit more like others have been where you are.

I’m not being harsh op but everyone here has told you what a dick your DH has been and I think you’re in denial. It’s easy to blame his parents, they sound like awful, but he’s consistently enabled all of this hurtful behaviour and sidelining of you.

Bottom line is he cares more about their feelings than he does yours.

I think after giving birth to his children it’s time you bloody well put your foot down and start advocating for yourself and setting boundaries. Do you always want to be an afterthought? He needs to step up and if he doesn’t, you need to reconsider your relationship.

OP, I think the first thing you need to do is acknowledge to yourself how very far from normal this is.

You can't sort it out by being a nice person or compromising.

I have a strained relationship with my in-laws. Not their first choice for DIL. So after 5 years I have just kept a healthy distance and only civil when I am forced to interact. My DH knows not to take the children to see them. I have to be present as they do not take care of them and neglectful.
I also had 0 support from my husband side of the family PP and my poor Mum was trying her best but had a recent knee Op so she wasnt much help so me and DH striggles with 2 children 2 and under. It was a very difficult few months but we got through it and I don't need any of their help so I never keep on contact I deleted everyones number and blocked on social media.

That's lovely, but it won't address her actual problem - which is her DH's weakness and entanglement with his highly toxic parents, even to the extent that he leaves his post-C section wife to clear up a kitchen. What kind of "man" does this? He needs therapy OP, now, and if that does not have a positive effect, you need a divorce.

Tbh if your dh got drunk and had to drive with the kids in the car last year I sure as hell wouldn’t be letting him take my kids this year. Fuck the inlaws and put your foot down when it comes to your kids safety

More, behave as adults.

The DH didn’t drive the kids drunk, the OP drove because the DH got drunk and no longer could

@Workingmummyof2beautifulkids
The biggest problem you have here is your DH. He had no backbone. You and his DC should be number 1 but he panders to his family regardless how you feel. This situation will not get better. You ILs have shown how they are and you DH has shown you how he is and where you fit in.

Ultimately, you have a choice. You can either carry on with the status quo or you can leave him, but it’s not gonna get better.

Your husband is not supporting you. Personally I would not want my children visiting them and I'd despise any man not standing up for me. That would mean I wouldnt want to have sex with him and would probably be the end of the marriage.

Try showing him this thread. If he doesnt recognise he's being a dick then consider leaving him.