Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

[Workingmummyof2beautifulkids]

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

Wow, who made your day shitty skybluepinky

I dont expect them to do anything. My husband arranged that! We have zero help with childcare.
Can you take your harsh words and direct them somewhere else please.
I am looking for genuine help! Not trollers.

your husband is being a right twat, he should be entirely on your side and defending you from these vile people. He needs to get a grip and get his family in line or take the stand and Go non-contact…

Your husband is just as horrible as your in-laws. He didn't have to get drunk and him driving home with his children in the car is utterly unforgiveable, never mind illegal. He is a chip off the old block, as he sounds just like his awful father. He doesn't stick up for you and he prioritises his parents over you, even when you have just had a baby and are recoving from a c-section.

I'd be re-considering my marriage as your husband is not on your side.

If you ditch the useless husband, one of the fringe benefits will be not having to deal with the in-laws.

I would be wary of telling DH stuff if it is getting passed on to in-laws. Don’t tell them what you are doing. They are nasty people who seem to get off on belittling you -why have anything to do with them -don’t speak to them and don’t think that your DCs need a relationship with their GPs.
Also tell DH you don’t want to hear what they are doing or saying. Stay out of social media.

It sounds like your husband doesn’t want to rock the boat with his father, which if this is how he grew up I can sympathise to an extent. But he needs to grow a spine and side with you. You two are a family now, he chose you the day he married you and he should continue to choose you even if it upsets the inlaws.

if the link works, have a read of this: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/BOfDh60hN2

it’s from a mother in law group on reddit but I think it is relevant to your situation. The fact there is an entire reddit group about this shows how common these unhealthy inlaw relationships are. You aren’t alone OP! But this will not get better until your husband grows a backbone.

Where is your husband in all of this? He needs to massively step up. Read him the riot act and tell him you expect better

Your husband is a cunt.
Unless he has a magical dick then he's not worth this.
He is the cause of all of this.

Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to you here, being 30 years down with this twat is though.

I would absolutely be opting out of all of this. Youre damned if you do attend and if you don’t - you can’t win so really the only option is to not play the games.

The partnership between you and your husband is the bare minimum to expect and if he’s not giving you that, then what is the point?

Your DH was forced to drink drive? With your children in the car? How exactly was he forced? Anyone tried forcing me into drink driving they would be getting a firm no, I'd call the police if necessary before risking my babies life. Why did your DH even drink when he had a baby to care for?
Why didn't your DH clean up the mess left in the kitchen?
Your FIL sounds grumpy, MIL doesn't actually seem that bad, either way, their behaviour doesn't have to impact your life and they don't owe you anything.
It's your DH that is the issue, he sounds like an arse and that's putting it gently. Stop putting this on your ILs, your DH is the issue. He is a grown man with a wife and children, he's not under his parents control, he's just a selfish arse who doesn't seem to care much for you and his DC.

I couldn't bear to read the full OP. You have a dh problem.

Your husband is a disgrace.

Your dh needs to open his eyes and realise it’s not fair on you to be subjected to this.
I’m not going to bad mouth him as he’s had a lifetime of manipulation and it’s hard for him to see clearly. He’s been living in fear of them and thinks he’d rather upset you than them.
He has to learn that his priority is now with you and his dcs. You all need to come first.
I absolutely would keep my dcs away from them. What are you showing them when they see how badly you and dh are treated by them?

I wouldn’t go and I also wouldn’t let my children. They aren’t kind people

Your husband drove drunk with your children in the car? And you're still with this appalling piece of shit?

To hell with everything else: find your anger, OP, and leave all of this.

They sound insufferable, but the problem here is boundaries. You don’t seem to have any.

If I didn’t want them to visit the hospital, I wouldn’t have even told them baby had been born until I was ready for visitors. I didn’t have any visitors for 10 days with either of mine. I’m not sure anyone even knew I was in labour.

I also don’t invite anyone to my house who I don’t like. I will not be in the same room as MIL’s partner or go to any family events where he is there. Therefore, he’s not ever invited to ours. MIL has to come on her own. And the family coordinates events around him so we both aren’t invited. Anything we don’t want to go to because he’s there, we just say, sorry, not coming and don’t go.

I won’t put up with anyone treating me like crap and dh knows it’s a condition of a happy life with me that he doesn’t either, so he always has my back. Your Dh sounds pretty crap too.

Please read the messages from the OP. There was no drunk driving by the kids’ dad.

But these people are bad people and the OP needs to get away from them. Don’t make the next generation of shitty man apologists:

Just wanted to send some solidarity - difficult in-laws are so hard to deal with and yours sound particularly terrible. But as basically everyone else has said, your husband is actually the bigger problem. I really hope you're ok OP and have some kind, loving people around to support you and your young family where these people (especially your husband) are so badly letting you down.

Read it again. He didn’t drive home, OP did. Six weeks post partum.

Most of that could be ignored but just stop socialising with them.

OP you don’t have an in law problem, you have a DH problem, Why are you still with this man ?

Read the updates - OP drove home.

You have a DH problem here. He’s the issue.

Your husband is the problem.
Can your family help you.
I would be moving home with my children for an extended period.
He is always going to be bullied by them.
You are right to refuse to see them.
I think your marriage is over.
Your weak husband has chosen his family over you.
Stop having children.
Weak men are the worst husbands.

And tell him his parents will abuse his children as they abused him and are trying to abuse you.

Tell him you're a strong woman who will protect her children from these people, and it's up to him which side he's on.

” we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.”

sorry who was forced to drive? You or a very drunk husband?

edit- note to self,read updates first! Sorry OP!

in any case, your husband is the big problem here, isn’t he? He knows no different but is enabling their piss poor behaviour. Unless he is prepared to change the dynamic, nothing will change