Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

[Workingmummyof2beautifulkids]

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

OP, you can’t control your in-laws actions but you can control yours and your children’s and you can try and control your DH’s.

I’ve been in a similar situation a long time ago when my kids were tiny. I opted out of everything. I stopped visits, celebrations and they were not welcome in my home. I also made it very clear that me and my tiny children are a package. No me, no grandkids.

My DH was told that if he didn’t support me, there’s the door. He maintained a relationship with his parents during that time but he wasn’t allowed to take the kids. He didn’t like it but he didn’t have a choice.

After a few years, effort was made on both sides and relations were repaired. We are all quite close now.

Your in-laws sound like awful people. But your husband is coming off worse here. Why is he taking your baby off to meet them rather than tell them no? Why is he getting drunk in the pub when you're postpartum and ill? Or cleaning up their mess 4 days post section? Why is is tolerating them treating you so badly? I'm not surprised it's impacting your marriage - he's constantly choosing them over you.
Can you show him this thread?

The in laws sound horrible - why do you want to spend any time with them? Cut your loses and focus on your kids and your family.

As to you having to drive home from your FILs party as your husband was too drunk to drive 6 weeks after your c section when you hadn't recovered, your husband choose to drink, knowing that you'd have to drive home. He's not giving you any support.

Your husband should be standing up for you, you could try counselling to see if that helps, though he may refuse to attend.

You get to change your behaviour though - you didn't have to go to your FILs party, or any other event if you don't want to. Your husband can say you're sick or one of the kids is sick and you're staying home with them if he wants to avoid a row with his parents. But you don't need their toxic engagement. It may be that you'd be better off without him if he doesn't step up.and prioritise you and his kids.

OP, I write this as the child of deeply overbearing grandparents, much like you described.

Your husband is the problem and if he doesn't learn to stand up to his parents, your marriage will continue to be impacted. Yes, his parents are difficult, and he was trained at a very early age that it was easier to let them have their way, I get it. But he is a married man and father now and if he isn't going to prioritize his wife and kids over his demanding and selfish parents, then he shouldn't be married.

Something enablers tend to do is gaslight those who call them out on the situation, because it is easier than facing the truth. The only way enablers can justify their decision to cave to the toxic people's endless demands is by denying just how bad it is.

He calls you manipulative? He's trying to manipulate YOU!

I would honestly never be able to forgive him for what happened after your c section. He knew your wishes, and while his parents weren't willing to respect them or compromise, ultimately it comes down to his husband putting his parents' needs over yours. He never should have taken that baby away when it was convenient for them. And for you to miss seeing your firstborn meet her new brother is so unacceptable and hurtful and shocking, I really don't even know how you can stay married. I have only told a handful of people on this platform to reconsider staying married, even though it's a popular quick response here. But seriously, he has a lot of work to do on himself. If his parents are going to be top priority at the expense of your feelings, then it's time for him to start sleeping in his childhood bedroom.

At the very least, I'd take a hard stand on limiting contact with your in-laws. if your husband can't come around and understand why you feel as you do, and if he can't take accountability for the part he played on the day of your baby's birth and feel true remorse, then you really, really, really need to know that this will only continue. He will gaslight you, blame you, and cave to his parents demands over your feelings every single time.

My father is an enabler. Trust me. I know this mindset all too well.

You clearly don’t like them, and sounds like they don’t like you. There’s probably a lot of relevant background info that’s lead to this, which we’re not privy to. All you can hope for is to be civil when you see each other. If the whole situation is distressing to you, just step back and let your dh manage visits with them and your DCs. But please don’t use the children as weapons against your in-laws. I’ve seen this openly encouraged on MN.

Your in-laws sound difficult but the problem is your husband. In the hospital they shouldn’t have been let in. It annoys me so much when some (not all) mother in laws are so obsessed with the baby they lose sight of the fact the mother is often a patient who may have gone through something quite challenging. I have daughter’s but if they were giving birth I’d primarily be wanting to take care of them first and foremost and then meet the baby later. That is why many women are much more comfortable with their own mothers. But it was your husband’s job to look after your interests.

Similarly when you were in recovery, he should have stayed sober so he could drive.

Others have said it but get into marriage counselling ASAP....

Your DH dickhead husband sound like a total nightmare.

I’m sorry but all of this is down to your DH not prioritising you and your needs. There’s no way my DH would have taken either of our DC away from me off the ward as brand new babies to meet anyone. His parents would have been told to piss off if they’d shown up unannounced like that! Same with the party, my DH would have just said “sorry we can’t make it”, end of discussion.

This is definitely a husband issue. The in laws are most definitely the problem but it should be your husband protecting you from this. From what I can gather:

1. it sounds like this is normal for your husband. He is probably used to the abuse and has coped with it but accepting it, and expects you to do the same. You shouldn’t. He should seek therapy to help him to see the trauma- you won’t be able to get through to him as he thinks you are against his parents.
2. sounds like there is an element of sibling rivalry too. Perhaps he wants the same affection his brother receives Nd is now projecting. you should leave him alone and visit your parents or a friend for a few weeks so he can hopefully come to his senses.

I think you need to mourn the in laws you wanted but didn't get. Stop worrying what they think of you and let your DH deal with them / see them.

I feel sorry for your DH being in the toxic fog. I feel for you being treated like crap and him not standing up for you.

You can choose your husband though, and yours is a twat.

He doesn't value or respect you. Consider how things will be in 5/10 years... is this how you want to live?