Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

[Workingmummyof2beautifulkids]

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

You can’t expect him to avoid his family for you.
i stopped speaking to my in laws I didn’t expect my husband to.

Sorry for you and the situation you are in OP . But others are right, you have an in law problem but also a husband problem too.

Please don't stay with him for the sake of the children. Only stay with him if he starts putting you and the children first, as in before his manipulative parents and sil.

Appalling that he did not have your back when in hospital with baby, or that he left you to clear up the kitchen mess. What kind of husband does this in these circumstances? There is no way I could live like this. Tell your DH he must grow up and develop a backbone, and support his wife.

This with bells on! Your husband's priority should be you and his children, not his parents. He needs to stand up for you, and stop pandering to his parents. You have an IL issue but your main problem is your husband.

I am looking for genuine help! Not trollers.

This is an Internet forum lovely. We can offer help and support (unless you manage to activate the vipers somehow) but we cannot make up for what is lacking IRL.

The problem is, as PPs have pointed out several times, is your DH. It's his family who are behaving badly, he is the liaison between you and them, and he seems to be more concerned with keeping them happy than keeping you happy.

You need to talk to him, explain to him what you have said here and tell him to protect you from these entitled bullies. Put your fucking foot down!

Your ILs sound nasty but your DH is just as bad if not worse because he lets his parents treat you like crap and then blames you because you don't want to put up with it.
Why are you with him? I know it's hard leaving (I really do) but you need to. You deserve better and do you want your kids growing up thinking it's okay to be abusive to their future partners? I really hope you do leave. No-one is making him act this way he's choosing to be vile.

How would you feel about going nuclear and divorcing (when you have figured out your finances etc.)?

I know that would mean shared custody and the kids would see their GPs via their father, but you'd have them to yourself in your time, your DH would be off your back, and you wouldn't have to see or speak to your ILs again.

Do not stay married "for the sake of the children", they might be young now, but they will definitely pick up on things, and separate lives often works out best for everyone if it's reasonable and sensibly done.

Do you love DH with every fibre of your being or are you with him because you don't want the kids to be disrupted? What do YOU feel is best here, because I doubt DH will move on easily from the enmeshment, and the GPs certainly won't either.

There's not many "milestones" or "moments" I get super het up about but missing my kids meeting each other for the first time I would find so hard to forgive.

I can't get past this. 'Forced' to drunk drive his two young children ???? That would be a game changer for me. I would be seriously considering if this man is fit to parent the children.

And he left you to clean the kitchen. What an absolute **hole.

I think you are blaming your in-laws and you don’t like them much. Why shouldn’t the dc father take them to his parents? They are also his children.

This

The only way this will get better is if your DH wakes up to this unhealthy enmeshment with his toxic parents. Your DH would really benefit from therapy to help learn that this relationship with his parents is deeply unhealthy and toxic.

If he doesn't wake up and learn that this isn't normal, then you'll either have an extremely unhappy marriage, or you'll divorce.

I don't hold out a lot of hope for him realising though, given how badly he talks to you and treats you. He's not a good man. Takes after his parents.

My in-laws are similar. Completely selfish a holes. So I just stopped trying. From now on, hubby deals with them. Goes to visit them. Kids are are older and dont want to go as they feel that they're ignored. I let him sort gifts (which he always forgets. His problem) and my life is generally happier not caring about them not caring about us. Hubby used to get pissy about it until he finally opened his eyes and realised they don't give a crap about him either. I hope you are able to get to this blissful state.

What made my situation more bearable was taking the IL out of any conversation.

Turn it round to you ‘I was upset when I was expected to do x y z’

Im not feeling up to visiting

I wasn’t happy that you were too drunk to drive and didn’t feel cared for when

This is a DH issue and you need to address it and leave any 3rd party out of it

this will end badly and in divorce. You will be shoved like a mat around anytime it suits them and your husband will take the kids here and there without you and they will try to turn them against you. You married totally wrong. Sorry. I am not fast to type such stuff but this is too much

My late mother in law was a bitter and twisted woman. She hated my dog, who she demanded be kept in the garden shed all the time that she was in the the area. She hated where we lived (the depths of the British countryside) 'It's just up one muddy lane and down another". She was rude to my mother who looked after my son whilst I did my very part-time job (two afternoons a week) and told me that her son had "made a dreadful mistake in marrying me'" and hoped "that he comes to his senses quickly and gets a divorce". I was the person who came to their senses quickly and got a divorce from him. He married again a few years later, and was apparently content, for which I was pleased.

you are in the minority. My MIL did the same to me, she has some strings. I almost divorced my husband but before that , cut her off for 5 years and made her come and beg for appology. The saving grace I had was that the father in law was step one and we were competition for her money.

@Workingmummyof2beautifulkids

I am not sure what skyblue has said, but it strikes me that you can stand up and be assertive. You need to be as assertive as this to DH. From your description your husband is not putting you and your children first. It is good that he wants the children to have a relationship with his parents - but he should not be allowing PIL to belittle and ignore you.

They won't change.
Just stay away from them . Your husband can take the kids to visit but you dont need to.
I ended up in this situation and it worked well. My dh lost interest as the kids got older. And hardly visited them anyway.
I think looking back it was me who organised everything not him. So when I stopped he couldn't be bothered .

Agree. OP can’t expect her DH to avoid his family for her. But she can expect him to have her back when they are behaving like arseholes. And if he doesn’t he can expect her to end the marriage.

Thank you so much for all that have posted messages of support.
Can I just say that I dont expect my husband to ignore or stop seeing his family. I suppose I just feel sad at being left out and being made to feel that i am not good enough. I have a good heart and want a close family unit but I suppose the saying is true, you can choose your friends but cant choose family.

OP, can I ask if, PILs aside, you otherwise have a good marriage? If the relationship is otherwise good, he needs to see a counsellor about his acceptance of the way you (and probably him) are treated in regard to his parents. Your husband has acquired coping mechanisms to deal with his parents which are not healthy and he has probably been doing it so long that he does not realise how wrong it is. But now he has his own family, he needs to recognise this behaviour is wrong and the change starts with him re-educating himself and addressing it....not just for you, but for your kids.

Personally, whilst I don't think you have to like your PILs, you can avoid them, if you let DH take them to see their grandparents. The one thing that concerns me is what impression of "family" and "how its OK to behave" your children will get from your horrible sounding inlaws!

There is a difference between the PILs being OK people but just not your type, and being plain nasty and inconsiderate. Your husband is so anaesthetised to his parents bad behaviour that I wouldn't want my children to think that type of behaviour is OK, which he evidently does.

I have the same problem with my Mum and brother, his behaviour is bad and my mum just accepts it whilst the rest of us have to deal with the fall out.

You are not being unreasonable with your concerns. Do not let your husband blame you for their behaviour and his inability to tackle it as an adult.

This sounds shitty OP. I wouldn’t have cleaned the kitchen after a c section, I would have left it for days and then bollocked DH for not doing it.

i would have gone ape shit at him taking baby out the ward, it just wouldn’t have happened.

the other stuff I can see happening in my marriage eg dh getting drunk and me having to drive home at 11pm with small children. I’m sorry some men at really fucking awful.

Can you look at this another way?

Why would you want a close family unit with such dreadful people? You can already see how horrible they are!

As a woman with a good heart, you would want as little as possible to do with them, and for them to have very little influence on your children.

Grey rocking them, while pointing out to your DH when he should be washing up/staying sober/looking after the kids is surely the way forwards.

Your dh needs to go into therapy and discuss why his parents have so much control over his adult life.

In the mean time you do not see or speak to them again. Tell them clearly their behaviour is unacceptable, and you won’t tolerate it any longer. No Christmas cards - nothing, Your dc are not going either.

Your dh needs to wake up and grow a back bone.