To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

I think if you invite the child, you will find that the mother turns up as well, as nobody could expect a 7 year old to attend alone. She (the ex) clearly has some sort of agenda. A definite NO here.

Am inclined to agree.
Otherwise it makes zero sense.

I think that if the reality was as you describe it in your opening post, then it would be strange to invite her to the wedding.

however, I do think it’s flaky and shit of him to bail out of the kid’s life when she appears to have viewed him as her dad.

you are spot on about your fiancé not giving the full story. The story he is giving you doesn’t add up. He has been more involved than he makes out- which is actually to his credit…or is he is the biological dad.

This is ridiculous. No indication that the kid has been dumped and how would she even remember him from that long ago?! My just 8 year old wouldn’t remember someone from when he was 3. Very odd - no reason she should come if they’re not still in regular contact.

Not the only way at all - and about as sure a way as possible to get an appearance from the ex herself.
just say "No that is not possible". That's enough. No excuses needed for someone you don't know trying to gatecrash a wedding.

I realise that I'm projecting to the Nth degree, but the OP needs to put her foot down.

Even though my husband's ex had 3 other partners, she used the then adult kids and now adult grandchild to insert herself into my husband's life. I am not exaggerating when I say that this never ended.

Never mind the fact that she attended the funeral (albeit with my agreement) but she turned up on my doorstep three days afterwards, intent on persuading me to place my husband's ashes in a place of her choosing. DH and I had been married more than 26 yrs.

The fact that the OP's ex is trying to insert herself into the OP's wedding suggests to me that she's equally batshit and that the OP needs to steer well clear.

Having this child be actively involved in your lives would do nothing but harm.

She can't remember much of him if they split up when she was 3.

What if her mum meets someone else who then becomes her step dad? How do things work then?

The mother needs to explain to her that he isn't biologically her father. And that he isn't a part of their lives now. 7 year olds will be able to understand this if it is explained in an age appropriate way.

All very weird. Sounds like the mother is trying to latch on, using emotional manipulation in the shape of an 'abandoned child' and your fiancé is potentially encouraging it.

I agree with this. Your finance won't have the time to spend with her and every one else will be strangers. What 7 year old would be happy at a function primarily of adult strangers.

I think the ex needs to rethink this it really isn't in her child's best interests to be so involved with someone she is no longer involved with herself.

“If she remembers him”

well there you go then. He hasn’t been in her life for 4 years. She’s not been in his life for the 3 years you’ve been together.

He was her mums BF for a couple of years.

The kid was 3 when he left. I don’t think it will mean anything to her. If anything it sounds like it could be very confusing. Not appropriate at all imv.

This is so odd. And why people are saying OP is unkind. Should we all have children from our ex relationships at all weddings? It’s strange and it would be a firm no!

@Lukeuppy "I also can’t stop thinking about how strange it is for the ex to reach out like this. And what 7 year old even asks to go to a wedding of a man she hasn’t seen since she was a toddler?"

Sorry OP, but none of it stacks up. You need to sit down and get the truth from your fiance before the wedding. I strongly suspect the child is his and I also suspect there's been more contact than you know about. This child could be significant in your life and I think your fiance has lied to you.

Ridiculous idea
The mother has put the idea in her head
Obviously thinking she will get an invite to

I can’t believe the amount of people in the comments actually believing the guy’s version of events for one second. He’s either the NICEST bloke on the planet, wanting to accommodate a child he hasn’t seen or spoken to for 4 years, or he’s a liar. Let’s be realistic people! The question shouldn’t be “what’s the kid’s mum plotting?” Or “who would look after the little girl on the day” it should be “why on earth are you believing your fiancée, he’s blatantly hiding the depths of the real story!”

Do you all really believe some random unhinged woman “heard” about the wedding and decided to invite her kid? And that her ex just read the text and went “ah, well I don’t want to hurt her feelings”

Lol the guy is totally not being honest and is dropping the truth hint by hint!

I imagine OP knows she’s about to marry a wrong’un but she’s all geared up for a wedding so like many other women she’ll overlook the blatant red flags to proceed with her wedding day 🙈

Just wanted to update after having a proper chat with him earlier this afternoon. I still feel a bit all over the place to be honest, but I did get more clarity.

I asked straight out whether there was more to the story than I knew. He admitted they’ve been in touch “on and off” over the past couple of years - apparently the odd message here and there, and yes, birthday cards both ways, but he said he never mentioned it because it didn’t feel “important” in the context of our relationship. He kept saying he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable by bringing up the past unnecessarily. I told him that not telling me makes it more uncomfortable, not less.

I asked again if she’s his biological child and he still says no. He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened, which I find a bit odd now, but I guess that was their situation at the time.

When I pushed about why the ex suddenly asked about the wedding, he admitted she’s mentioned a few times that her daughter still talks about him and asks questions - like where he is, if he remembers her, that sort of thing. He said he didn’t know what to do with that information and kind of brushed it off until now, when she brought up the wedding as an opportunity for them to “reconnect.” He says he didn’t want to bring it to me until he knew what he felt about it, but now he realises that was the wrong call.

I’m honestly still not sure what to think. Part of me feels bad for the little girl if she really does remember him and this was a meaningful bond for her - but the whole thing still feels too fragile and messy to drop into the middle of our wedding day. It’s not the time or place for that kind of emotional reunion. I told him that, and he agreed. He said he’ll message the ex and say that it’s not appropriate for her to attend, but he’s open to arranging something more low-key if the girl genuinely wants to see him again.

I feel a bit emotionally wrung out, to be honest. I don’t think there’s anything sinister going on, but I do think he massively underestimated how this would feel for me, especially finding out about it this late in the game.

Exactly!

Your wedding day isn't the appropriate time for him to reconnect.. And I bet my last quid the dd is a red herring. The ex is after him back. .. Time for him to choose imo.
Or there won't be a wedding..

It is rather odd under the circumstances described by OP. At the very least there is no one to look after her.

Jealousy games from the ex. Up to your potential husband. Ask him before MN gives him the red card

I think its all about him. This child doesnt see him in a parent role and coming back after he split with her mum and drifted away seems cruel to her.

Who would look after at this wedding where the person she knows best is someone she saw regularly more than half her life ago.

I dont think its practical to bring her and emotionally I think its confusing for her

Agreed. This seems the most plausible

Where’s this little girl’s dad? What age was she when he got with ex? I’d want to be 100% certain this isn’t actually his biological child. The whole thing sounds confusing and upsetting potentially for her. The wedding suggestion definitely is not appropriate for them to reconnect, I’m not sure what her mother is thinking??

also: for 4 years this ex has been so much in the loop that she knows there is a wedding coming? Something does not make sense here. Ask the potential husband whose potential husband he wants to be.

HOLD THE BUS - they have been communicating now and then over the past couple of years! That is a big fat NO from me. They do not have a child together, the relationship ended, he stepped away from the child and mother... so why now?

Why were they communicating at all? No wonder you feel wrung out, he is still not being 100% truthful. I wouldnt be marrying him at the moment, if at all.

The child is a red herring in this whole scenario, I doubt she is still asking about him - unless he has been round there...

He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his.

Wouldn't that have been a given if they didn't meet until the girl was one[

Even if they are back in touch (why?), why does his ex keep talking about him to her daughter?