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Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 03/08/2025 17:20

Bonkers. The child is too young anyway.

orangedream · 03/08/2025 17:21

..her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened

I thought he only knew the mother from the time the child was a year old?

AyeDeadOn · 03/08/2025 17:22

"He admitted they’ve been in touch “on and off” over the past couple of years - apparently the odd message here and there, and yes, birthday cards both ways, but he said he never mentioned it because it didn’t feel “important” in the context of our relationship. He kept saying he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable by bringing up the past unnecessarily. I told him that not telling me makes it more uncomfortable, not less."

But, he didnt mind making you uncomfortable by suggesting she come to your wedding?

Seems strange.

TheMixedGirl · 03/08/2025 17:22

First of all - how did they know you were getting married? And also its a big fat NO from me. Also why would you ask if your child could be invited so fkn weird

Hecatoncheires · 03/08/2025 17:23

My DD doesn’t remember much from the age that this child would have been when your DP split from her mother. I’m with the others thinking that this is coming from her mum. It’s completely reasonable of you to not invite her. In fact, I think it’s weird that her mum would even consider letting her go to spend the day amongst strangers.

Merrymouse · 03/08/2025 17:23

He said he didn’t know what to do with that information and kind of brushed it off until now, when she brought up the wedding as an opportunity for them to “reconnect.”

Does she understand the concept of a wedding?

That there will be 80 other people there?

That the bride and groom don't have much time to connect with anyone?

Part of me feels bad for the little girl if she really does remember him and this was a meaningful bond for her

People don't always stay in our lives for ever. They move and life circumstances change. Much better to accept this than to set up false expectations in a young child. There have been 4 years to 'reconnect'. The fact that this hasn't happened is evidence enough that neither party cared enough to make it happen.

CheeseFiend40 · 03/08/2025 17:24

This is so ridiculous!
So let’s pretend for a moment that he still cares for the little girl and wants to reconnect, and this child feels the same. Sure. Let’s organise a meeting at the local park or something. Who in their right mind would think his wedding would be the ideal place for this to take place?!!
Either both the ex and your DP are both batshit or there’s a hell of a lot more going on here than he’s telling you. Did he show the messages? I’d be wanting to see that for starters.

Phobiaphobic · 03/08/2025 17:24

Your wedding is the last place they should be reconnecting, if they should reconnect at all. Personally I think it's better for all concerned if everyone just moves on.

MascaraGirl · 03/08/2025 17:25

I asked again if she’s his biological child and he still says no. He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened, which I find a bit odd now, but I guess that was their situation at the time.

If he met the girl’s mother when the girl was 1yr old (if I have understood correctly) then why would the mother need to state he wasn’t the father? Surely there’s no chance at all she’s his, if he didn’t meet the mother til a year after her birth?!

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 03/08/2025 17:25

So he's been in contact with his ex for the length of your relationship and kept it secret from you.
I'd be wondering what other things he's been hiding. Really awful behaviour choices he has made over and over, and to dump it on you a month before the wedding?

Chipotlego · 03/08/2025 17:25

It seems highly unlikely that a 7 year old would say those kind of things, if contact has been sporadic it honestly feels weird to reconnect- there is no need for it (as harsh as it sounds) unless there is more to it. You seem really thoughtful and sensible OP, whatever the circumstances a no is understandable.

carkerpartridge · 03/08/2025 17:26

I have so many questions that don't even relate to the wedding issue! If the ex told him that he wasn't the father, that surely means that they were in a relationship when she got pregnant....Was he really on the scene from the child being one? It all sounds a bit of a muddle to me.
Also why the comment that there was never a paternity test? Why even make this comment about a child if she definitely could not be his? And how are the birthday cards being exchanged? If in person that would suggest more contact that is being admitted.
Regarding the wedding, you are not being unreasonable not to want her there...unless she is his child.

Newgirls · 03/08/2025 17:26

Op I’ve read your posts. From what you’ve said HE wants her there but doesn’t want to rock the boat with you. If he didn’t he’d have said no really fast to his ex. He was sounding it out with you hoping you’d say ‘ah how lovely of you wanting her with us’

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 03/08/2025 17:26

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 17:09

Just wanted to update after having a proper chat with him earlier this afternoon. I still feel a bit all over the place to be honest, but I did get more clarity.

I asked straight out whether there was more to the story than I knew. He admitted they’ve been in touch “on and off” over the past couple of years - apparently the odd message here and there, and yes, birthday cards both ways, but he said he never mentioned it because it didn’t feel “important” in the context of our relationship. He kept saying he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable by bringing up the past unnecessarily. I told him that not telling me makes it more uncomfortable, not less.

I asked again if she’s his biological child and he still says no. He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened, which I find a bit odd now, but I guess that was their situation at the time.

When I pushed about why the ex suddenly asked about the wedding, he admitted she’s mentioned a few times that her daughter still talks about him and asks questions - like where he is, if he remembers her, that sort of thing. He said he didn’t know what to do with that information and kind of brushed it off until now, when she brought up the wedding as an opportunity for them to “reconnect.” He says he didn’t want to bring it to me until he knew what he felt about it, but now he realises that was the wrong call.

I’m honestly still not sure what to think. Part of me feels bad for the little girl if she really does remember him and this was a meaningful bond for her - but the whole thing still feels too fragile and messy to drop into the middle of our wedding day. It’s not the time or place for that kind of emotional reunion. I told him that, and he agreed. He said he’ll message the ex and say that it’s not appropriate for her to attend, but he’s open to arranging something more low-key if the girl genuinely wants to see him again.

I feel a bit emotionally wrung out, to be honest. I don’t think there’s anything sinister going on, but I do think he massively underestimated how this would feel for me, especially finding out about it this late in the game.

You're no further towards the truth really are you? It's going to keep drip, dripping.

Clearly he's been in regular and possibly close contact with the child's mother the whole time, at the very least.

RosaMundi27 · 03/08/2025 17:28

That'd be a hard "no" from me. She's not a relative, or the child of a friend, she's not even his step-daughter really. You're not responsible for her, her feelings or anything else. I would dig a bit deeper into how this even came up - is she a boundary overstepper, or is your fiance being a bit economical with the truth about their relationship?
To the people who thinks the OP isn't being "kind" - how many stranger's kids would you want at your wedding?

andthat · 03/08/2025 17:28

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:52

So - no, I’m not 100% sure she’s not his, obviously I wasn’t there. But he has always said she isn’t. There was no paternity test or anything like that, but apparently it was just understood between them. He stepped in when the girl’s actual dad wasn’t around and they were together during those early years, but he’s been very clear with me that she’s not his biologically.

I think the ex knows about the wedding just from mutual friends or social media. We’re not in touch and she wasn’t told directly, as far as I know.

It’s a medium-ish wedding - around 80 people. We do have a few kids coming, but they’re close family or friends’ children, with parents there to supervise. The ex isn’t invited and wouldn’t be coming, so that’s another part I don’t understand. I don’t know who this little girl would come with, or who she’d even sit with. I’m not going to have random guests taking turns minding a child they don’t know on what’s meant to be our day.

When I asked my fiancé if he wanted her there, he kind of hesitated and said he “didn’t want to hurt her feelings if she remembers him” but also said it wasn’t a hill he was going to die on. So I’m left being the “bad guy” if I say no, but also no clear reason why I should say yes.

As for the future - there’s no plan. This isn’t a child we’re actively involved with. Which is why the whole thing just feels… off. I don’t want to be unkind, but it’s not a reasonable ask.

It’s absolutely fine to be the ‘bad guy’ @Lukeuppy.

You … and your finance… have no involvement in this child’s life. Neither does anyone who will be a guest!

it’s not cruel or evil or anything else to say no!!

it’s a very weird request…

angelco · 03/08/2025 17:28

I’m with you, she wouldn’t be coming x

Hiptothisjive · 03/08/2025 17:30

wrongthinker · 03/08/2025 14:36

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

Couldn’t agree more.

How horrible are you OP. Does it really matter? He wants it to happen and here is a shock for you it’s his wedding too. Seriously shame on you.

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 03/08/2025 17:30

carkerpartridge · 03/08/2025 17:26

I have so many questions that don't even relate to the wedding issue! If the ex told him that he wasn't the father, that surely means that they were in a relationship when she got pregnant....Was he really on the scene from the child being one? It all sounds a bit of a muddle to me.
Also why the comment that there was never a paternity test? Why even make this comment about a child if she definitely could not be his? And how are the birthday cards being exchanged? If in person that would suggest more contact that is being admitted.
Regarding the wedding, you are not being unreasonable not to want her there...unless she is his child.

Yes - if the answer to "could she be your biological child" was "no, that's biologically impossible because her mother and I didn't sleep together until she was a year old" the cageyness about it being "understood" that the baby wasn't his and paternity tests weren't done wouldn't arise

angelco · 03/08/2025 17:31

It just makes no sense not been around not met you hasn’t had contact but wants to come to the wedding how Is the mother even comfortable sending her daughter into a bunch of strangers cause I know I wouldn’t be as a parent.

diddl · 03/08/2025 17:36

Hiptothisjive · 03/08/2025 17:30

Couldn’t agree more.

How horrible are you OP. Does it really matter? He wants it to happen and here is a shock for you it’s his wedding too. Seriously shame on you.

Show quote history

Why is the Op horrible for not wanting to invite a stranger's strange child to her wedding?

Oldjumperfluff · 03/08/2025 17:37

Sounds like she thinks it would be fun to come to a wedding. Maybe she’s never been to one before? Maybe mum wants to offload her for the day? Either way it seems a bit weird, just say no.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 03/08/2025 17:39

I'm confused, he was with his ex for 3 years, during which he took on the Dad role. They split up when the kid was 3, and he got with you. You've been together 3 years in which time he's not bothered with a kid that looked up to him as her Dad or so he says. Now all of the sudden out of no where the kid wants to come to your wedding. Oh and there was talk about DNA tests.

He's telling you porkies is my guess. I reckon he still sees the girl, and is probably her Dad (biologically or not).

I know several men who have or are bringing up children that aren't theirs. One walked his 'daughter' down the aisle. Another even when they split up from the mother, sees them as his 'daughters'.

sunshine244 · 03/08/2025 17:39

MascaraGirl · 03/08/2025 17:25

I asked again if she’s his biological child and he still says no. He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened, which I find a bit odd now, but I guess that was their situation at the time.

If he met the girl’s mother when the girl was 1yr old (if I have understood correctly) then why would the mother need to state he wasn’t the father? Surely there’s no chance at all she’s his, if he didn’t meet the mother til a year after her birth?!

Presumably because they also had a relationship prior to this? Otherwise there cant be any possible uncertainty over paternity.

Oldjumperfluff · 03/08/2025 17:41

Hiptothisjive · 03/08/2025 17:30

Couldn’t agree more.

How horrible are you OP. Does it really matter? He wants it to happen and here is a shock for you it’s his wedding too. Seriously shame on you.

Show quote history

But who’s going to look after her at the wedding? It’s not practical.