To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

Other than the usual MN man-hatred where does it say that he dumped the other woman's child? Maybe the other woman dumped him with no care for either her child of him!

At first I thought she should be able to be part of the day until I learned he actually has no relationship with her now. It’s ok to not invite. More strange to invite her tbh. Enjoy your day! X

@Lukeuppy so in all the time you’ve been with him, he’s not seen this child at all? (Not judging, establishing facts)

your last post seems a very sensible position to take atm. See what’s what and then decide

the little girl would have been about 4 when you met, assuming younger still when her mum split with your fiancé.

this to me is 100% not coming from the child, it’s manufactured by the ex. Why? Who cares.

the only way you can decline this is to say that there will be nobody available to chaperone her, and you’re not providing mass childcare, those kids that are attending are family only and attending with their parents, so it would not be feasible to have her there as nobody will be able to look after her.

and stick to that line.

I imagine it's his ex's way of angling for an invite for herself (to supervise the child who probably doesn't even want to be there). I'd be wary of this woman. Was there an overlap in him dating you both? Might she want to cause a scene?

I think you’re being harsh to say no. This is a person who met a lot to your fiancé. It isn’t only YOUR wedding.

It's so incomprehensible to me that even one person thinks a 7yr old kid should be sent to a strangers wedding. Alone.

Absolute insanity.

Which type of disruption, 1 romantic relationship ending?

So she hasn't spoken to him in years but messages to get a day off parenting? Sure(!) 🙄

If she was only 3 when they split, she won't even remember him. All very odd.🙁

If the info given to the OP is accurate, the only explanation (to my mind) is that the ex is trying to use the child to meddle with the wedding and possibly the marriage.

The ex is bitter that the once happy family she had with him and her daughter ended and she wants to shit stir by having her daughter there as a reminder to him what he gave up and a warped message to you that he could also dump you and move on.

OR

he is a liar and they have been maintaining a relationship with the child all this time.

OP, are you 100% sure this child isn't your fiancés?

Depending on how the talk with your fiancé goes. I'd get him to respond with:

"Hi Kelly, unfortunately we're really tight on numbers and haven't been able to invite some of our own families, so we don't think it's fair to uninvite anyone and have even more family unable to attend for X and an accompanying adult, in order for X to come. Does X actually want to see me? If she does, I'd be happy to take her to the park one day."

The only way this makes sense to me is if the girl is his biological dd. Every other version requires too much suspension of disbelief.

This!
Sounds like there’s been contact that you aren’t aware of OP!

I don't actually think this is true. DS is the same age but remembers a dead grandparent from 4 years ago and has had mutually remembered multiple kids from nursery, he even remembers and mentions our old cleaner. Obviously I wouldn't be demanding wedding invites on that basis, but still...!

Odd. I would just say no, as there's no one to take responsibility for her throughout the day. End of. You are not being unkind, its just a completely weird request from his ex. Sorry, no, move on.

If the child definitely isn’t his, I’d be saying no to this request.

The child is 7 years old, and although she saw him as a father figure for a couple of years, he hasn’t been for 4 years and won’t be in the future.

It would be kinder for the child for you all to close the door now and move on with your lives, rather than give her (or her mum) some false hope that there’s some kind of family dynamic coming through. You’re clearly uncomfortable with the situation even as it is now (as most people would be), it’s hard to see what good would come in the long/term of prolonging the relationship.

OP, having read your last update, yes I agree that a different time/place would be better for a meet up, if she is still going to be in his life (and your life too by default). For example a park or cafe. That way he can have a proper catch up with her – your wedding day would be far too hectic for him to spend much time with her!
It sounds like the girl hasn’t got a father figure, and I’m all for the kids having as many role models to guide them as possible. It does feel a bit odd though, in the light of him not still having contact with her mum. If you feel comfortable your partner regaining contact with the little girl, then the girl and her mum needs to realise that he now comes as a package with you.

“I still think of her sometimes” and “I didn’t even know they exchanged cards” translates as he’s been having contact with the mum behind your back the whole time! Good luck with that marriage 🙈

Er, I think you need to read the post again. You're not being sensitive in the least. This man is no longer in the child's life so what help is it to her for her to be at the wedding?

I think it would be potentially very confusing for this little girl to attend the wedding of a man she has a tenuous relationship with. If your fiancé has a soft heart, he should be thinking about what is best for the child. It likely isn’t showing up at his wedding after not seeing him for years.

I also would be extremely suspicious about this entire thing. If there was overlap in the relationships back then, I would be asking for dna testing before getting married. Actually, if there was overlap in the relationships and my fiancé just accepted the child wasn’t his because it was convenient to believe it wasn’t his, I would probably call off the whole thing because he is a deadbeat dad. Good men insist on dna tests if a woman they have slept with turns up pregnant on the right schedule.

YANBU. I doubt a 7 year old child would have any clear memories of someone around when she was 2/3. It’s also clearly not going to be a case that she is going to be in your lives either. I find it really odd that the Mother has asked this

I was with someone for 3 years when my son was 3-6 . They did have a relationship of course , and it was a nice one, but my ex was not a “father figure “ - my son’s dad was very much involved. My ex’s parents were also very fond of my son, they had no grandchildren so they doted on him. When we split my ex asked if he could continue seeing my son and if his parents could too and I said no. It was the right thing to do. I explained to his mother ( my son is autistic too so I felt like he needed a firm break ) my ex wasn’t happy , he really cared for my son but the way I saw it was what happens when he meets someone ? He would be in the situation your DP is in now and his new partner would be in your situation - but worse as they would have an established relationship. I could not expect another woman to be ok with this and it would be unfair on everyone.

Saying that though, I’ve also been through similar on the other side . My son’s dad has a child , 3 years older than my son. I built up a relationship with her . I married my now husband when she was 15. She came to the wedding and was a bridesmaid - but , I did have and still do have a very close relationship with her and she is my son ( my husbands step son ) ‘s sister .

Surely very confusing for the dc.. And it's a wedding not a day out to soft play. She has no reason to be there.. What if ex suggests she goes on the honeymoon as she hasn't had a holiday this year? Draw the line now before the cfery steps up. The wedding invite will become weekly offers of taking the girl on days out and sleepovers... She is trying to reinsert HER self into his life. Nothing to do with the dd...

But he's been away from the child (4yrs) longer than he was involved (2 yrs) and has seen her twice in those 4 years, who is going to bring and supervise the child during the wedding, he can't and everyone else is a stranger to her