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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 03/08/2025 15:47

wrongthinker · 03/08/2025 14:36

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

Meanwhile you come across as so sensitive and so, so kind. Not.

Rewis · 03/08/2025 15:47

Since the wedding has more than just closest family. I would be tempted to put the decision on him and I would refuse to be the bad guy. I would baiscly say that if it really means so much to him to have this child there, then she is welcome. However, he needs to sort out all the practicalities. And then I'd throw in a question if he has thought about how this might be damaging for her. Coming alone to a wedding of a father figure she's unlikely to remember and hasn't seen i years and likely never see again. But again, up to him. If her presence is important, you'll be supportive.

Or be mature (unlike me) and sit him down and make his tell you the whole story. Share the messages. Give you a timeline. Him telling what is the master plan going forward. Her sitting at a corner and never seeing him again is a shit plan. So im thinking maybe he has see her. But I'll stand by refusing to be the bad guy. He needs to decide if this peroan is important to him or not.

rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2025 15:48

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 15:25

To clarify, I don’t think my fiancé is lying in a malicious way, but I do think he’s been vague. From the beginning, he always said the child wasn’t biologically his and that there was never a formal setup around parenting. He told me he was “there” when she was little and tried to be a good support figure at the time, but the way it’s been framed always made it sound like that part of his life was fully in the past. It’s only now, when I’ve started asking more directly, that I’m realising just how patchy the timeline is. He said they hadn’t seen each other in “years” but also that they exchange birthday cards. I didn’t know that before this week.

I also can’t stop thinking about how strange it is for the ex to reach out like this - especially without giving any indication of how this would even work. No mention of who would be supervising the girl on the day, no clear reason why now. Just a vague “could she come” as though she’s a long-lost niece and not the daughter of someone he split up with four years ago. It doesn’t make sense.

And like some of you rightly pointed out - what 7 year old even asks to go to a wedding of a man she hasn’t seen since she was a toddler? Kids don’t think like that. It must have been prompted by the mum, or worse, the child may not even know the invite has been “requested” on her behalf. Which makes me really uncomfortable. I’m not saying there’s a full-blown hidden agenda, but I am starting to wonder if this was less about the child and more about the ex trying to reassert a link.

If the little girl genuinely wants contact with him, I would never want to stand in the way of that. But a wedding is not the time or place for that kind of reconnection. It feels unfair on everyone - especially her.

I’ve decided I need to sit down with my fiancé properly, without emotion or assumptions, and just ask for the full story. Who contacted who, how long they’ve been in touch, what kind of communication has actually been happening, and what kind of relationship he wants with this child going forward. Because if she’s going to be part of our lives in any meaningful way, I need to know now. Not after we’re married, not when we’re suddenly having to make space for people I didn’t even realise were still in the picture.

I’m not looking to call the wedding off, but I do think I’ve been too trusting that this was all “sorted” and in the past. It clearly isn’t.

I think you’re being really sensible. Sit him down. Ask him what’s going on and then go from there.
I’d be making it perfectly clear though, that he tells the truth now and you won’t tolerate different versions/truths coming out later on.
Personally, I think it sounds dodgy as fuck wrt him being the potential dad but who knows?

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 03/08/2025 15:48

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 15:25

To clarify, I don’t think my fiancé is lying in a malicious way, but I do think he’s been vague. From the beginning, he always said the child wasn’t biologically his and that there was never a formal setup around parenting. He told me he was “there” when she was little and tried to be a good support figure at the time, but the way it’s been framed always made it sound like that part of his life was fully in the past. It’s only now, when I’ve started asking more directly, that I’m realising just how patchy the timeline is. He said they hadn’t seen each other in “years” but also that they exchange birthday cards. I didn’t know that before this week.

I also can’t stop thinking about how strange it is for the ex to reach out like this - especially without giving any indication of how this would even work. No mention of who would be supervising the girl on the day, no clear reason why now. Just a vague “could she come” as though she’s a long-lost niece and not the daughter of someone he split up with four years ago. It doesn’t make sense.

And like some of you rightly pointed out - what 7 year old even asks to go to a wedding of a man she hasn’t seen since she was a toddler? Kids don’t think like that. It must have been prompted by the mum, or worse, the child may not even know the invite has been “requested” on her behalf. Which makes me really uncomfortable. I’m not saying there’s a full-blown hidden agenda, but I am starting to wonder if this was less about the child and more about the ex trying to reassert a link.

If the little girl genuinely wants contact with him, I would never want to stand in the way of that. But a wedding is not the time or place for that kind of reconnection. It feels unfair on everyone - especially her.

I’ve decided I need to sit down with my fiancé properly, without emotion or assumptions, and just ask for the full story. Who contacted who, how long they’ve been in touch, what kind of communication has actually been happening, and what kind of relationship he wants with this child going forward. Because if she’s going to be part of our lives in any meaningful way, I need to know now. Not after we’re married, not when we’re suddenly having to make space for people I didn’t even realise were still in the picture.

I’m not looking to call the wedding off, but I do think I’ve been too trusting that this was all “sorted” and in the past. It clearly isn’t.

This is sensible.

Please do not do as some are suggesting and push your fiancé to ask for unsupervised contact with an unrelated seven year old girl whom he hasn't seen in years. This is wildly inappropriate and no matter how well meant would make him vulnerable to accusations.

Be aware that if you support contact with the child who last saw him when she was a toddler, you are also supporting your husband getting back in regular contact with his ex. The little girl can't be responsible for the relationship with her mother's ex boyfriend for at least another seven years.

If of course the timeline is correct, which I think you already know it's going to turn out not to be.

Seven is very, very young.
Three (when they split up) is so young that most people don't have genuine memories from that age, only memories formed retrospectively from stories they were told about themselves then or of photos they saw later etc. There are exceptions but it uncommon to remember genuinely first hand much before the age of four.

MyGingerNinja · 03/08/2025 15:49

YANBU unreasonable this is so weird if it has come out of the blue and they have not had any contact in the interim since you have been together. If she did come and you managed her care on the day what then? Is there going to be contact going forwards and what would that look like..if not what is the point of her just showing up for the wedding day and nothing else afterwards?

Phobiaphobic · 03/08/2025 15:49

I think your misgivings are entirely sensible and justified, OP. And you don't sound in the least unkind.

Cherrytree86 · 03/08/2025 15:51

nomas · 03/08/2025 15:05

Who is going to look after a little 7yo girl that only the groom knows?

Show quote history

@wrongthinker you’re quite right. Op could make her a bridesmaid, hire a bouncy castle or such for the reception to make it child friendly?

MeridianB · 03/08/2025 15:53

Cherrytree86 · 03/08/2025 15:51

@wrongthinker you’re quite right. Op could make her a bridesmaid, hire a bouncy castle or such for the reception to make it child friendly?

Show quote history

Looks like the ex has found this thread!

excelledyourself · 03/08/2025 15:53

If this is a genuine out of the blue request from the mum, then it’s really odd.

In what way does she possibly think this is in her child’s best interests?

If there’s more to it, then you need to know.

cupfinalchaos · 03/08/2025 15:55

I too think it’s shit of him to break off a relationship with this child who thought of him as a dad. A decent man wouldn’t do this. Regarding the wedding, it isn’t as though his ex would be there.. she’s just a child. Wouldn’t it be lovely if on your day of happiness you extended some goodwill to a child who obviously still feels a connection to your partner and wants to be part of his life? Or is that the bit that worries you?

WearyAuldWumman · 03/08/2025 15:55

MeridianB · 03/08/2025 15:53

Looks like the ex has found this thread!

Show quote history

I'm praying that Cherrytree is just being sarcastic.

Daygloboo · 03/08/2025 15:56

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

Numbers are tight......and this giant child might eat the whole buffet 😂

whynotwhatknot · 03/08/2025 15:57

what a weird request havent seen her for years but can she come to the wedding? she wont even know him or anyone else

either hes lying about contact or the ex is trying to stir

Kateb12 · 03/08/2025 15:57

Driftingawaynow · 03/08/2025 14:54

Be warned. He thinks it is ok to walk away from a child who is attached to him.

So if you dated someone for 2 years who already had a kid and then you split up, you would play step mum to the kid for the rest of their life? Have a day off will you...

Enigma53 · 03/08/2025 15:59

Wow, that’s a strange one OP!
There could be more to this, which you are unaware of. Or, the ex is even stranger, by asking such a thing.

Either way, YANBU.
This is about you and your fiancé. Not a little girl who isn’t related to either of you.

The whole thing is mighty odd!

savethatkitty · 03/08/2025 15:59

You are not being unkind. I wouldn't want her there either. She's not biologically related. It's a weird & quite frankly cheeky thing to ask!

Phobiaphobic · 03/08/2025 15:59

Cherrytree86 · 03/08/2025 15:51

@wrongthinker you’re quite right. Op could make her a bridesmaid, hire a bouncy castle or such for the reception to make it child friendly?

Show quote history

I'm really really hoping you're taking the piss.

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 16:03

Absolutely not.
I think you have been given a version of something but not the full facts.

An Ex's child from years ago wants to go to a wedding?

Completely unbelievable.
Do not marry a guy who is spinning you an unbelievable tale.

Get the truth, because you don't have it now.

SpaceRaccoon · 03/08/2025 16:04

I'm going to sound heartless but I wouldn't want or encourage him to meet up with her at all. Why would you want to drag this ex, and unrelated child, into your lives? Would be different if he'd maintained the relationship, but he hasn't. You don't need the complication.

Pinepeak2434 · 03/08/2025 16:07

I’d go through your privacy settings on Facebook to ensure they are locked down especially if she’s snooping around. I’d also question why there was any need for your DP to still be communicating with his ex via messages. How can you move on in a relationship if an ex is still sniffing around. It would be a no to the child attending, and I’d make that clear sooner rather than later so you can just get on without all the added stress.

mondaytosunday · 03/08/2025 16:08

It’s his decision, but I think she’d find it confusing more than anything. If she knew him as a father figure , albeit some years ago (so how much will she remember), it’s going to be weird, in a child’s black and white world, that this man is getting married to someone other than their mother.
I think it’s an odd request if he is truly out of their lives.

VioletandMauve · 03/08/2025 16:09

This is a no brainer for me - this child would most definitely not be coming to the wedding if it was me. Why on earth should she??

Sassybooklover · 03/08/2025 16:09

I think you're being sensible to sit down with your partner and ask for a full and transparent account of the entire situation. In my mind, either your partner hasn't been entirely honest regarding the contact he's had with his ex and this little girl or the ex is trying to insert herself into your wedding by the means of her daughter. Honestly, the whole situation has more holes in it, than Swiss cheese! It makes no logical sense, if we go along with your partner's account. I'm not sure why an ex, if she's had no contact with your partner in 4 years, would ask the question either....again no logical sense. It's all very fishy.

Katflapkit · 03/08/2025 16:11

Zippedydodah · 03/08/2025 15:08

I’m just waiting for OP’s partner to suggest that the child is a bridesmaid.

I can only think that the mum is reminding the daughter of your Fiance, other than that he may be in a lot of photographs. My kids always loved looking at photographs, especially if themselves when they were younger.

As for the girl want to go attend the wedding. Perhaps friends have been flower girls or bridesmaids and she is curious. I agree though it's odd for the mother to ask for her to attend out of the blue because I am sure a 7 year old doesn't have social media accounts h so how would she know you were getting married.

Question is does your Fiance want to get in touch with her?

Derbee · 03/08/2025 16:13

I wouldn’t invite her, and I wouldn’t encourage any relationship between them. She’s not his daughter, he dated her mum when she was little and that’s the only connection.

It’s confusing and messy to drop in and out of someone’s life that that, and totally inappropriate.

The past is the past. This woman can’t expect every man she has a relationship with to keep lifelong contact with her child. Weird.

Just say no.