To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

I wouldn't marry a man who didn't bother to tell me that he is still occasionally in contact with his ex and her daughter.

Why hide it, if there's nothing to hide?

I would struggle to trust this guy with the truth.

I don't even think he's hiding an affair or anything but if he lies over things that there's no need to hide, it really doesn't hide well.

If he was in her life 1-3 surely he can’t be her dad unless they slept together 21mths before they got together

if he hasn’t seen her for 4yrs then I don’t think your wedding is the time or place to meet up again

why did they split suddenly

they weren’t married. Not her step dad as such so why would they have kept in touch

I find it weird he did keep I. Touch and exchange bday cards but not tell you. Did he not ever put the cards up in living room ?

he needs to say no to wedding

maybe to meet after but with you there

an adult who up have to come to wedding with her

so say no due to no spaces and have had family not invited due to space /nunbers /cist

I don't think that it is appropriate for the child to attend your wedding. She could not attend on her own so presumably her mother would also attend. Unless he has been having regular, at least monthly, contact with the child why would he want her there. The mother could have ulterior motives.

He was only with the mum for a couple of years yet took on the role of dad🙄

Sounds like she's not over him and using her daughter to try and stay involved. I'd say no to attending wedding invite she too young with no one to look after her. Going forward I would want to know when they were in contact if it is all so innocent I find it bizarre he felt the need to keep it secret from you

The way he's describing all of this seems oddly vague. If he wasn't in a sexual relationship with her mum 9 months before the child was born, he should be able to say that, is "no, she definitely can't be mine because I didn't meet/start a relationship with her mum until X date after she was born".

If he can say this for sure then why the waffle about paternity tests etc? There's definitely more to this than meets the eye.

Also, her mum's judgement is terrible if she was leaping straight into a new relationship with a young baby. He shouldn't have been in a position to be "dad" to someone else's baby so quickly.

Aside from all of that, if he isn't intending to play a significant role in the child's life going forward, he should stop having contact now. It's only going to confuse the kid and will make your familyife potentially very complicated in the future.

That would be a hard no from me.

Why would he say the little girls mum “always told him from the start that she wasn’t his” ? He wouldn’t need to be told that at all let alone “always told him” if he got with her when the girl was 1-3 when they got together 🤷‍♀️ I’d be asking for his phone now to check all the convos tbh.

So he’s been separated from the ex longer than he was actually with her? In this time the girl hasn’t met anyone else and only spoken about him?

It all sounds a bit strange to me and that he’s left out when more information. I’ve read your updates, there’s been cards exchanged but have they actually met up?

Does this girl believe he’s her father? Did she call
him dad? He says his ex always said she wasn’t his daughter, does that mean he had a sexual relationship with the mum before the girl was born? Because why would paternity tests need discussed if he wasn’t in the child’s life until she turned one?

I think you need to think about things and talk to him more, if he wants to reconnect with her then why? What’s the end game here, how is this child going to be a part of your married life?
If he does want to connect with her then why the wedding day? There’s no way she can attend alone, she can’t sit with his family, she will need to go with her mum surely? The wedding day isn’t appropriate for this, especially as you’ve never met her and this is all out of the blue.

I understand he’s not actually the father but there still seems to be more to the story that he’s telling you. My main concern is he’s been lying about how much communication there’s actually been between him and his ex.

As a parent, none of this makes sense and I think there's still more that you don't know.

I would not want someone who had been a father figure to my child, but had become estranged, to re-enter my child's life unless he committed to continuing this as long as my child wanted. Which could be decades.

I also would not send my seven year old to a wedding in these circumstances and can't imagine why any parent would. Weddings are enjoyable only because we know the people getting married.

I would not expect memories of mum's ex-partner to remain unless the child had been given reminders over the years- like photos or someone mentioning the person. At age three it's normal for children to forget anyone who leaves their life.

I also think your partner is being disingenuous about why he hasn't mentioned the contact and cards until he was forced to. He had to mention this when mentioning the potential invitation. If your wedding was two years away he wouldn't have said anything yet.

I also think the question of paternity needs to be settled. From what you've said the child could be his - you need to know whether they were having sex around the time of conception. If there's a nagging doubt in his mind this would explain why he is behaving this way.

Are you rethinking marrying him until he shows that he understands how serious all this is? At the moment it sounds like he hasn't left his past behind and you can decide for yourself how you feel about this. If he'd had an ongoing relationship with the child then you'd know what you were getting into, and it's maybe fine when he's single, but if you're thinking about getting married and starting your own family then of course committing to another young child is a significant thing.

I suppose the child's mother would have to come too. Maybe that's what she really wants?

How did his ex even know you were getting married? I think it’s inappropriate, personally.

Agree with all of this

What a ridiculous reply.

Agree with others you wouldn't need told you are not a child's father if you didn't meet the mother until the child was 1. Sorry op but reading your update I would question if he is the father, is that why he's never shown you the birthday cards that have been sent because they say to dad, etc?

He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3

she’s mentioned a few times that her daughter still talks about him and asks questions - like where he is, if he remembers her

It's interesting that the girl can apparently remember him and asks about him. I thought kids have what's referred to as 'childhood amnesia' until the age of around 3 when they start forming long term memories. And between age 3 and 6 memory is still patchy, fragmented and incoherent.

For example, I spent a lot of time with my friends son between the ages of 1.5 and 3, to the point where he'd ask to see me and I was one of his favourite adults. I didn't see him between the ages of 3 and 6 due to a house move, work commitments, his bedtime, life, etc. When I saw him again at age 6, he had no memory of me and we started again from scratch. In contrast my nephews have consistent memories of me (despite living 4 hours away) due to regularity of contact through family birthdays, Christmas and visits.

If the child does have knowledge of your STBH, it might come from the ex showing the girl pictures of your STBH, and telling her about him - rather than from actual memories.

My money is on the ex finding out about the wedding, being jealous he didn't marry her, and trying to put the cat among the pigeons, using her daughter as a hook.

I don't think you should invite the girl as the reasons for her being there are not reasonable nor strong enough to warrant it. The wedding is to celebrate your and your DP's union and love. In more usual circumstances a biological or step-daughter that has no relationship with you receives an invitation because they have had a bilateral relationship where both parties have lots of memories and invested time together. As the girl in question was 1-3 years old when he cared for her, it rules out this reason to invite her. Had you both been in a situation where you and your DP had her every other weekend, then I would change my mind and suggest you invite her - but it's not the case. This suggestion has clearly come from your DP's ex whom may have malicious intentions, but you don't know as you don't know her. What would you do if you did invite the girl and the ex ups the ante and suggests she should be a bridesmaid? What if the girl is instructed by mum to sabotage your wedding? You really have no idea, do you? Weddings cost a lot of money. Don't add more unforeseen costs to your wedding.

I can understand your reservations but ultimately feel very sorry for the poor girl.

Realistically, if there are no plans in place for contact to become a regular thing, I can’t see how coming to your wedding would be remotely helpful for this child. Surely it would confuse things more for her?

It’s a completely different scenario if this is your fiancé’s way of saying he would like her to become part of your lives & bravo to him for realising that step parents can play a pivotal role in a child’s life after the relationship with the biological parent has ended.

Or is the ex simply hankering for an invite herself? There’s no way the child can come alone after all …

Oh dear. I have to agree you sound unkind.

OP has posted further updates. The man and his ex have been in contact for years in secret.

I thought this too.. I don’t think this is ‘out of the blue’ somehow!!

I think this is an ideal opportunity for a line to be drawn under the relationship of the ex and her daughter after the wedding. His relationship with the ex ended years ago and do you really want to be accommodating meetings between the child and your husband moving forwards? And the inevitable communication with the ex? He needs to go back to the ex and say no more. No more cards/ communication/ texts / calls. Numbers to be blocked and deleted. If he needs this emotional validation from her then crack on. But he want have you. That’s not harsh. It’s life. And it’s not for you to feel bad.

Frustrating isn’t it? OP is clearly a very gullible person and her fiancée is a blatant liar. Can’t believe she’s still entertaining the idea of marrying this guy! Bonkers!

"He said it was never in doubt, that her mum always told him from the start she wasn’t his. No paternity test ever happened, which I find a bit odd now, but I guess that was their situation at the time."

Oh, this sounds shady af.

Does the girl think he's her bio dad? Was he having sex with the mom around when the child was conceived? There was an overlapping affair or cheating going on? If so, he needs to do a paternity test and not take the ex's word for it.

Who has he been in touch with behind your back, both the ex and the kid?

There is bullshit going on here and he hasn't been exactly straight with you.

This guy needs to get his house in order. He needs a paternity test if there is any possibility that he could be the father.

Are you ready to start a life with a guy who can't keep his past from intruding on his present? Who has been communicating with ex and child behind your back? You agreed to marry him thinking this was years ago and now you find out it's not.

I do think the ex is trying to mess with your wedding and weasel her way into being a family with your fiance using this child but he's not putting up the boundaries that a man committed to a life with you should be.

Hi again - thanks so much to everyone who’s still replying. I’ve just sat down with a cup of tea and read through all of your latest responses and, honestly, I’m feeling quite shaken.

There’s been a lot said here that I think I’ve been trying not to think too hard about, but now I don’t think I can ignore it.

Some of you have pointed out the weirdness of the timeline, and I have to agree. If he was with the mum when the girl was 1, and she’s now 7, and they split four years ago, that means the whole “father figure” part lasted maybe two years max - and yet here we are. If he wasn’t with the mum when the child was born, why would she “always tell him she wasn’t his”? That does seem odd now that I sit with it properly. That phrase just keeps going round in my head - why would he need to be told?

Also - no, I’ve never seen the birthday cards. I asked about that earlier and he said he usually just sends them, doesn’t display them if anything comes back. Which… again… doesn’t sit well now. If it was really just a kind gesture for a kid from the past, why hide it?

I’ve not seen messages between him and the ex yet - that’s going to be the next conversation we have. I want to see for myself how this invitation came up and what tone the messages have taken. I’m starting to wonder if there’s been more contact than he’s let on, and honestly, it’s not about jealousy. It’s about trust. If this is all above board, fine - but then why has so much been vague or left out?

And yes, I am starting to wonder if he could be her dad. I don’t want to accuse him of anything, but the way he talks about it is so roundabout - “was told he wasn’t,” “never needed a test,” “just stepped in” - it’s all quite murky. I’m not saying there’s definitely something there, but the doubt is starting to eat at me. Especially when some of you have rightly said - if you didn’t even know the mum before the baby was born, how is this even a question?

A few of you asked whether I’m rethinking the wedding. Honestly? A little bit. I’m not saying I’m calling anything off tonight. But I am starting to feel like I’ve built a life on slightly shaky foundations, and I need to know exactly where I stand. Not just with this girl, but with the whole situation.

If he wants to be in this child’s life in any real way, I deserve to know that before we go any further. If he is her father, I need to know. And if he’s just been keeping this low-level connection with his ex ticking along all this time without telling me, then I need to understand why, and whether that’s something I can actually live with.