To not go on holiday on Monday

[Theteenandme]

Almost 15yr old is being horrible to me basically all the time. Im glad if your kids are always wonderful to you but those comments wont help me so please dont.

After another day of her being nasty, Ive had enough.

My husband (her dad) essentially says things like "I wasnt there" etc so doesnt back me up. He doesnt do much with her by himself. Day trips etc always fall to just me. I never used to mind because they were generally good. Now they are horrible. She can be grumpy with him but is very rarely nasty with him.

Ive had it. I am so worn down by it. Im so fed up of her being nasty. It bloody hurts.

I really dont know what I do most of the time to cause it. Today for instance all was fine and then like a switch went, it wasnt. Something just changed in a second. When I asked if she was OK she said "no because Im with you. I dont like you so I dont like being here".

We are all meant to be going away on Monday. It's only a short train ride so not far. Ive told my husband Im not going. The idea of more of the same. I need a break. She probably does as well tbh.

He isnt happy. I think it's that he is disappointed that its meant to be a family holiday as much as a week of sole parenting. They'll go and theyll probably have a lovely time and then he'll say her attitude is because of something I do.

He wants to talk about it. I've said there is nothing to talk about.

Why don’t you go with your DH and leave her at home? Have you tried talking to her and asking what is wrong? Go on a walk with her and ask.

I'd not go. Let him parent his child. Maybe they will have a great time or maybe he will see what you mean.

Don’t stay at home! Go on the holiday on your own and make them stay at home. I flipping hate not being backed up. What she said was done right nasty, not acceptable and you have every right to be annoyed. Your husband should have went through her for a shortcut for speaking to you like that. This shit that he wasn’t there!! You are a grown woman and hardly going to make this shit up for the craic. Big hugs OP.

Teenagers don't get nasty for no reason, despite plenty of parents being invested in encouraging that line of thinking (because they dont want to admit their own faults or part in the nastiness, or confront the fact they're lazy).

So, you do need to think more about the dynamic, what your teens problem is, and you DO need to talk about it.

YANBU for refusing thr holiday on the circumstances, but YABU for not trying to talk about it and sort this.

I do think at this stage you must have to ride it out. ALL teenagers say this sort of shit. You make her feel horrible and rejected if you start taking it personally and refuse to go on holiday. Eventually they stop

I didn’t have girls. But have plenty of friends who did. Any mine are now in their 20s.
But teens are hard.
Ask your husband to sit down with you. Explain factually that you need his support. Given examples of the rudeness. Calmly.
Teens need the Dads to set out the expectations sometimes. Around politeness to his wife and to you as their Mum.
Go on the holiday but agree before that you need some time to your self - a walk/afternoon to just read a book or swim or whatever helps you relax.
She can come but she doesn’t have to come out with you. She can stay at the accommodation if she wants.
But she can’t be rude. It’s unacceptable. And if she is she needs to apologize.
Teens can be hard. You need your husbands support to get through this together. If he wasn’t there then fair enough but you are his wife and facing this together is part of the deal. Does he think you would lie about what she is doing?
also don’t expect logic from her. Teens are often like huge toddlers but with a phone, more vocabulary but about the same amount of sense.

She wont talk. In fact she shouts "this is why I don't tell you anything" at me regularly.

I think some of it is that I've probably not given her enough space/independence. For various reasons it's something I have struggled with but am really trying now I realised that was an issue. Shes stepped up to it and I have praised her. She told ne to stop being so patronising and sulked.

I have a crap relationship with my mum. I desperately want to do better with my daughter.

I dont think teenagers are inherently nasty. However I do think that they can just be nasty sometimes for no reason (as can everyone else).

We are in a weird dynamic and I dont know how to change it. Shes seemingly not interested in changing it. I know Im the adult so need to take responsibility for it.

I do think you should talk to her about why she feels this way, but it all doesn’t help that her dad is basically calling you a liar.
If this is just her being a stroppy brat I’d stay at home and enjoy the peace (although I’d be worried this would reinforce the daddy and princess against mean old mummy narrative)
Or I’d tell her you don’t want to spend your holiday feeling upset so seen as in her opinion you are so bad she is no longer invited.

Because you cant leave a 14yr old by herself for a week. 🤣 Even if you could, she doesnt like being left at home by herself for more than about 5 hours.

But also we'd just end up arguing about her anyway.

And Im just pissed off with him and dont want to spend a week 1:1 with him right now.

Oh please, not all teens are vile pieces of shit. I’ve just spent the day with a friend who has a 13 and15yo. So so well mannered, respectful, and lovely.

i would leave this vile child at home with dh and you go have a holiday

I am worried that it will reinforce that Im an awful mum if they go and have fun.

But Im not going to guilt trip her. Ill be honest and tell her that I think we both need to have some space but Im not going to make her feel like that's completely her fault.

Let her go with her dad. You need the break. But you need to brief him very clearly about what’s been happening, and encourage him to talk about it.

Then you go somewhere lovely/do something lovely for yourself.

Teenagers can be vile, but that doesn't mean they’re actually vile.

Look, he sees how horrible she has to you and he doesn't want her to be horrible to him so he backs her instead of you. It's really wrong of him.

I don't see anything wrong with saying that you don't want to go on holiday and you want a break on your own. You can have this you are sure they will have a lovely time because your doors will be nice to him so that he thinks you are in the wrong. Show them both that you know exactly what's going on and wave them goodbye and have a really lovely week on your own!

OP, this sounds really hard. I feel for you and if you decide to go on holiday then you will need quite a bit of space to be on your own and with your DH.
There is one point that stands out from your post. You mention day trips. My DS of similar age has basically refused jolly family day trips since age 13. We do not organise days out as a family - we have another teen too.
He is just too grumpy a bugger for full days out so outings have to be short and sweet. Think no more than 2 or 3 hours. For example:

• a meal somewhere appealing to teens (ie pizza)
• gym followed by a coffee or whatever
• A walk at a woods/lake but by no means a long hike
• Ice skating, but this needs to be with a friend too

When we are away from home on a break or holiday, he usually enjoys doing a trip (like a boat trip or a museum or a swim or whatever) but he’s usually done with it all after about 3 hours - at which point he prefers to retreat to the accommodation. the exception is if there are other teens involved. In other words, I very much have to prioritise quality over quantity. He will talk to me on a walk, but said walk only lasts about half an hour. If I tried to take him for massive hike, he prob wouldn’t speak to me at all! He seems to have a threshold for parental company and after that is a right sod. Is this helpful or relevant at all?

Your DH needs to get onboard and back you up. He needs to ensure he backs you up and that it’s unacceptable to treat you like that.

I disagree, some teens can just be horrid, they often take it out on those they feel safe with and trust ie you .

I’d leave them to it and have a week by yourself to decompress

I totally empathize with you Op. I would be tempted to stay home rather that grin and bare it for the week. I love my teen girls but they can turn on a dime without warning or reason. They can cut you to the core with their words and hurt you like no one else. My mum always says' it's because you're their safe space' I get it but it hurts. Hang in there and have a frank talk to your partner.

The husband has sort of brought a solo parenting holiday on himself by wanting to be good cop and backing his DD over his DW!

Please dont call my child vile. She is very poorly behaved towards me. That does not make her a vile person.

Having seen her with others, she can be a bit stroppy but nothing particularly noticeable and most of the time she is fine to lovely with others.

@hmmimnotsurewhy I presume from your post you don't have teenagers or your own? if you met my 13 and 15 year old you would find them delightful, polite company. At home they can be both incredibly rude and unpleasant to me behind closed doors.

OP you have my sympathy, I am in the trenches with this too right now. I don't know what the answer is (though I suspect you will end up going, as would I!) but take heart from the many, many people who tell me their well parented kids go through this stage and come out the other end just fine!

She had picked up on the fact you and hubby aren’t parenting as a team, and it has caused her to play up.
You need to actually parent rather than throw your toys out of the pram, you have just shoe. Her she has a paddy she gets her own way.
Get yourselves booked on to parenting courses.

OP you have my sympathies. Its not you its her she is unhappy for whatever reason and is taking it out on you. Also growing up and pushing boundaries.

There is a good poem on here something about holding onto the rope or similar which might help if you search.

Hopefully she will come back to you sometime soon. Also it could be hormones, she could be hangry is she doesn’t eat regularly, she could be a bit Neuro diverse or could be worried about GCSE’s, friendships, boys etc etc. But none of that is your fault.

Please go on holiday don’t cut off your nose to spite your face as they say take books, headphones and comfy trainers to go for walk if things take a turn for the worse.

I have a daughter like this but she is older than yours and she can be absolutely dreadful to me (rude, snappy, snarly, sarcastic, shouty you name it). I know how much it can affect you and how it can get you down. Mine is at University so we only see her in the holidays but she has been home since May and the crux is now she is bored and fed up I also think she may be affected by hormones, hanger, possibly a little Neuro Diversity and worries of her own (which she won’t talk to me/us about whether we walk, drive, go for a milk shake, spa day, nothing works).

Briefly mine can sometimes be nice, funny and pleasant (and whilst she is like this more of the time than she was previously this doesn’t usually last long and we never know when she is going to erupt). Last week I was close to tears a couple of times and dreaded going home from work also I am menopausal exercise helps me as does a moan and a laugh with good friends. Mine is less vile to her dad my husband than to me but she can also be absolutely lovely to other people too. I just get the short straw.

Keep smiling OP.

Let them go together (do something nice for you). Ask Dh to see if he can get to the bottom of why she’s so angry at you but be prepared that she either doesn’t know or because she’s a teenage girl who’s mum can’t even breathe without pissing her off.

To be honest, it might not be a bad thing for her to realise that her behaviour is unacceptable and it is her fault.

I was the most awful teenager imaginable… said and did some terrible things, but I stopped when my mother decided to put up boundaries, stopped engaging with my nonsense and nastiness and told me bluntly she didn’t want to spend time with me as I was an unpleasant character and she didn’t enjoy my company. I was forced to have a good look at myself and reflect on my behaviour. She was right, and everything she said was true. And my dad backed her up, which was vitally important. I couldn’t play one parent off against the other. I decided to make a conscious effort to improve myself and speak decently to her from that point onwards. Now, I thank her for it - she was being my mother, not my friend, and she refused to allow me to behave in a way that made her dislike me. And we’ve had a great relationship since.

Do you really think they’ll have an amazing time together if he is never spending time with her and his biggest issue with you not coming is that he’ll have to do the solo parenting for a week?

I would have a chat with her abd tell her that you feel you need some time apart. That you want her to enjoy her hols so you feel it’s a good compromise.

Re talking to her.
Yes ofc it’s a great idea. And ofc you realising you didn’t give her enough independence etc… is great. And so is realising your relationship with your mum isn’t great and maybe you’ve replicated stuff you did NOT want to replicate. But all of that take time. Talk about months and months. Not a few days.

Yanbu! Take a break girl, you deserve it

A wet lettuce of a husband who doesn't back me up would make me wanna leave - is he her dad?

Teenagers are shite tbh, they terrify me, but tou shouldn't be feeling this worn down - its a phase and she will grow out of it. But for now its time for dh to do some parenting and give you a lovely break at home xx