To not go on holiday on Monday

[Theteenandme]

Almost 15yr old is being horrible to me basically all the time. Im glad if your kids are always wonderful to you but those comments wont help me so please dont.

After another day of her being nasty, Ive had enough.

My husband (her dad) essentially says things like "I wasnt there" etc so doesnt back me up. He doesnt do much with her by himself. Day trips etc always fall to just me. I never used to mind because they were generally good. Now they are horrible. She can be grumpy with him but is very rarely nasty with him.

Ive had it. I am so worn down by it. Im so fed up of her being nasty. It bloody hurts.

I really dont know what I do most of the time to cause it. Today for instance all was fine and then like a switch went, it wasnt. Something just changed in a second. When I asked if she was OK she said "no because Im with you. I dont like you so I dont like being here".

We are all meant to be going away on Monday. It's only a short train ride so not far. Ive told my husband Im not going. The idea of more of the same. I need a break. She probably does as well tbh.

He isnt happy. I think it's that he is disappointed that its meant to be a family holiday as much as a week of sole parenting. They'll go and theyll probably have a lovely time and then he'll say her attitude is because of something I do.

He wants to talk about it. I've said there is nothing to talk about.

They left this morning. I feel a bit sad now Im back in an empty house (and am feeling a bit teary) but I am planning on spending the next week locked away in the quiet and not talking to anyone apart from the cat. I am completely peopled out and mentally exhausted. A friend asked me out for tea and Ive said no.

I told my daughter that I thought we'd benefit from a few days away from each other. I told her that I loved her very much and that she'd have a lovely time with her Dad. She agreed.

She was a bit subdued this morning but I dont think she cares all that much that Im not going. She wont even notice when they are off doing their thing.

Funnily, it turns out that her friend is going to the same place so they've arranged to meet up for an afternoon. They meet up regularly but she is more excited about that than anything else.

Hopefully when they get back we'll all be recharged and have better attitudes towards each other.

The uniform shopping was because it's a new school and has odd trousers so she needed to try them on and we didnt have time to order them, return them and order some more. There is only one shop that stocks them so it wasnt meant to take as long as it did. If it was the same uniform that she has been wearing, Id have just bought them without her. Uniform shopping is soul destroying for everyone so I wouldnt have made her do it unless we had to.

Day trip wise, she has actually asked to go to some of the places with me. It's not just me dragging her out. The last trip we did, I also took one of her friends. Ive already said no more day trips this holiday because of her attitude. I had planned a couple so am a bit disappointed but never mind. I think the people who said it's the end of day trips were probably right.

What happens on the day trips? I still do it with mine and she is older (we are going to the theatre this evening) and it is a balance of her with her friends and her and me and family.

if she wants to go on them what happens on them?

and is it a move from middle to high school or a complete change of school.

because I actually think my kids are right we can get into a victim mentality with this (it said jokingly) and I can see it here - there are no victims just a mother and daughter struggling with the start of the changeover and communicating badly with each other and one of them currently ill equipped to handle it

Changing schools. It is her choice and the right thing for her but obviously there is a lot of emotion in doing that and it is a big change for her. She is very enthusiastic but it is scary (even if she wont admit to it) and she has said goodbye to a lot of her friends at her current school which is upsetting (she wont admit to that either!).

It also means she has chosen to give up a hobby that she has done for about 5 years. It was probably the right time for that anyway but again, big change and more goodbyes.

We do think she will be happier there because her old school wasnt right for her. We think a lot of her behaviour was linked to school so are keeping our fingers crossed (very tightly) that we'll start to see our lovely girl come back over the next few months.

They had a team building type day a few weeks ago to get to know your cohort. She came home beaming. We've not seen that in a long time.

@Theteenandme not a chance I’d go .
He doesn’t back you up so there has to be consequences. On him .
You need a break .
she has copied her father .

Long term I’d tell husband if he doesn’t change your leaving . I mean your Dd has a problem with you so he can solo parent then . Not like she is a baby .

I also laughed out loud at that comment , just leave your 15 year old alone there for the week 😂😂 I have teens but no girl teens and from many friends with girls you don’t seem alone 😒
Id say you prob have to ride it out a bit although your dhs behaviour is so annoying!!

Well done OP.
Good decision.
Space is good.
Drop the rope with her.
Sh wants space, so give it to her.

You badly need this break too.
Don't waste it feeling guilty.
Sometimes we need a break.

Your husband is a disgrace not backing you up so stop doimg shit for him.

Leave him to stuff.

Tidy the house today and have a week of enjoying it.

Hormones are raging in her, and perhaps you too.
But we are not our families emotional punching bag.

Stop giving your everything to them.
Mind yourself too.

@Theteenandme so there has been things going on then.

my advice take this time to reset on both sides and now figure out how to rebuild - maybe do some smaller trips first together - do you go on walks etc whst does she want to do?

it isn’t easy particularly if school stuff gets in involved

Well done OP, I think you made a good decision. Let yourself unwind... ready for the onslaught of when they get back.

Parenting teenagers isn't for the feint hearted. But it does get better. I had 3 very obnoxious and difficult teenage girls at one point - now as young adults, they're divine to be with and I'm so very proud of them all.

Teenage girls (often)are the worst. You are doing your best and they rebel against mums like nothing else
Can you and husband go away and send daughter to grandparents? Or just you go away somewhere nice , have a good break. You do need the support of your DH. She's playing one off against the other

Mine was a horrid teenager , hold your nerve ... She honestly is such a lovely woman and we have a great relationship now

Just a couple of years to go :)

Well done op. Lots of self care for you this week.

Try to enjoy the time alone. Is she struggling with her MH at all? I only ask because sometimes teens lash out when struggling and often to the person they feel the safest with.

If it helps we had some truly dreadful years with my daughter and I got the entire brunt of it. She was under CAMHs and lovely to all the professionals and her dad but hideous to me. I ended up having a lot of support to cope with it so I hear you!

If it helps my daughter is now 20 and a complete joy. We have a relationship I never ever dreamt we’d have. Make sure you look after you and listen with empathy to her if you can. You will come out the other side. ❤️

Tbh most teen girls imo appear 'delightful' with other adults. my own DD who can be horrible to me (in particular) but also her dad is sweetness & light to everyone else!!