To not go on holiday on Monday

[Theteenandme]

Almost 15yr old is being horrible to me basically all the time. Im glad if your kids are always wonderful to you but those comments wont help me so please dont.

After another day of her being nasty, Ive had enough.

My husband (her dad) essentially says things like "I wasnt there" etc so doesnt back me up. He doesnt do much with her by himself. Day trips etc always fall to just me. I never used to mind because they were generally good. Now they are horrible. She can be grumpy with him but is very rarely nasty with him.

Ive had it. I am so worn down by it. Im so fed up of her being nasty. It bloody hurts.

I really dont know what I do most of the time to cause it. Today for instance all was fine and then like a switch went, it wasnt. Something just changed in a second. When I asked if she was OK she said "no because Im with you. I dont like you so I dont like being here".

We are all meant to be going away on Monday. It's only a short train ride so not far. Ive told my husband Im not going. The idea of more of the same. I need a break. She probably does as well tbh.

He isnt happy. I think it's that he is disappointed that its meant to be a family holiday as much as a week of sole parenting. They'll go and theyll probably have a lovely time and then he'll say her attitude is because of something I do.

He wants to talk about it. I've said there is nothing to talk about.

Taking on board everyone's comments, Im not going to go on the holiday.

Big disclaimer being that it depends on whether the train tickets were bought with my rail card because if they were I need to go or they wont be valid.

I'm sorry OP, but she sounds pretty vile to me. If my daughter spoke to me like that I'd be furious and she would know it.

I could be completely wrong because I don't think there's nearly enough context in your post and examples of what she has said to you, but I'm guessing you're more of a "gentle parent". I have friends who are, and their children walk all over them and treat them like shit.

This. It's reasonable to say that you both would benefit from some space from each other. Also fine for DD and DH to have a nice week with each other. That's important.

Would be good if DH were open to talking to DD about what's going on with her and you (if it comes up, if he has enough sensitivity to do it well).

And would recommend how to talk so kids will listen / and listen so kids will talk. One thing I had to learn and relearn was listening and validating what DD was telling me (even when it was hard because her interpretation was not the same as mine). Having someone really hear what you are saying is very validating, but is something that is very hard for a parent to do sometimes (because you need to be able to sidestep some of the family system issues to do so).

That’s because their not at home and in different company, behind closed doors they act very different, my son between the ages of 14-17 I don’t know how I coped, he was awful to me, but now he’s 24 and lovely like a different person. He was always lovely to other people but never really to me.

If you don’t go unfortunately she has won and will know this, taken from experience you can’t let her do this to you, she will grow up but I’m sorry to be truthful you have a long road ahead of you.

Teenagers are full of raging hormones, their brains are rearranging themselves, they can't identify emotions correctly on other people,(See anger instead of fear for example) are still nowhere near mature with about 10 years to go. A lot of them can be really tricky and say some vile things, and are old enough to know exactly what will hurt. They think they know best and can not always see danger and thus there can be a lot of risky behaviour. It does improve, but it can be awful going through it with them.

Lovely, blaming the OP.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, the only thing that worked with my son was to ignore him, but it was extremely difficult to do.

I hear you OP. I am in the same position and its a nightmare.Take this morning, right now for example
me; come on sweetheart wake up we need to go in 1 hr..come have a drink before you start getting ready..
her; ok i am up
me cajolling her for a pleasant start to the day ok thats great.Its a bit chilly and rainy today
her ok
me; come on lovely 20 mins you are going to be late for your day out
her nothing
me if you arent ready by 10 i will have to ring and cancel your day
her nothing gone back to sleep
me sat here fuming like a lemon...

I am so sick of it I am not going back upstairs again ..Sod her She can miss her day out with her friends ..she is going to have to learn. I have been up and ready to leave for HER on time..what are you supposed to do?
You look after you and thats about the best advice I can offer cos I don;t know either xx

I bloody hate this sentiment, “if it was my child, blah blah”. Well, maybe your child is too scared to show their true feelings, or of upsetting you etc. We hurt those we love the most. What’s the OP to do? Ground her dd? Punish her? I can tell you now that that will end badly.

What the OP needs is her “d”h on her side. Dd is probably nicer to him as she’s not as close to him.

Kids behave this way for all sorts of reasons; they’re unhappy and taking out on mum (that’s what I got with my 15yo dd), they’re not being allowed to grow into the person they are and/or because THEY ARE A TEENAGER. It’s what they do.

Yes, I had this but my dh was 100% in my corner (but did call me out on stuff if necessary) and it was hell. Now, 12 years on we have a wonderful relationship with her and she understood that my pushing back was because I wanted to keep her safe (she wanted to be out at all times due to the horrible company she was keeping). She also
has better friends these days.

I was also horrible to my mum, but never swore as I was too scared. She, and my dad, had very old-fashioned views of what a girl should be like and didn’t like goth, beer drinking me. Dad still says “you were a nightmare”. Well it takes two to argue and who likes to be told they can’t eat cake “because they’ll get fat, and boys don’t like fat girls”. Cue eating disorder.

Aware I may be contradicting myself but me as dd and my own dd were two very different situations.

I’d be telling dh that whether or not I went depended on him promising to back me up. And if he didn’t I’d leave him to it mid holiday and go home. If you do go, build in some you time regardless.

Also going forward refuse to engage with her when she’s being awful.
Grey rock “we’ll talk about this when you are calm and can have a civil conversation” and walk away. That will enrage her more to begin with, but will teach her that you aren’t willing to be her emotional punchbag. Always follow up later on with a concerned checking in with her, to show you care even if you won’t engage when she’s being unreasonable.

Don't go, give yourself a break, go and do something nice for yourself. DH can enjoy parenting her.

Either everyone goes on the holiday or no one does, surely.

Regardless of when you’re at home or away, your DH needs to back you up. I wonder if you get all the bad cop scenarios (like buying uniform or requesting chores). Could you flip it so DH makes the parenting requests… I suspect DD will end up moaning to you that DH is now being unreasonable to her.

i wonder if you and DH are aligned on what’s ‘allowed’ - drinking, partners, swearing, fashion, etc… or if DD just plays you off against each other?

Hi. There’s a really good book called ‘get out my life, but first take me and Alex into town’
it explains what is happening to a teen brain and why they do these things.
like all stages we go through, some display / feel it more than others. So someone saying my child doesn’t do it because I do X, Y and Z is often not because of that it’s because their child isn’t reacting to the hormone imbalance as strongly as yours. However we do end up reacting to the situation, me included.
The book helped me enormously, I got what was happening and the tips worked. The grumpiness doesn’t go away but our house turned into a home again.
let them go, buy the book, drink coffee and wine and recharge.

So sorry OP, this sounds very hard indeed. My DD was a horror at that age but is 20 in a few days and honestly, is 100% better. My point is, they do improve. If you have to go on the holiday, I’d maybe just be a little distant, but I don’t mean cold and very much pick your battles. Re DH, I wouldn’t be pleased, men all seem to want a quiet life but he’s fanning the flames by not supporting you. Whatever happens next week, I hope it goes as well as possible for you.

Having talked to a professional about this it is important to take stock about our reactions and how they can be perceived and how often these things can grow.

It is also important to note this isn’t about and never should be about apportioning blame because often these things spiral and both sides are caught in the negative trajectory downwards.

Shouting is just one form of negative communication there are many others and I can see them in the description of how you were that in trying not to shout other negative forms of expression came out. I suspect you may well have been in a shouting household and hate it so don’t do it not realising that in doing so you come across as a different form of angry and passive aggressive

Teenagers are hard mine is 16 and a lot like me. We work in the assumption that sometimes we will get in each others nerves and a open form of communication including arguing might follow particularly in stressful situations but we apologise

I think as well you hinted at maybe holding her back open conversations a bit about what you are both comfortable with

And they need a safe space a space to let out emotions that tends to be home - if mine are good at school and friendships occasionally needing to let it out at home is normal

You are talking about a child. This behaviour can come from all sort of places. I can’t believe you would call a child a vile piece of shit you need to really examine yourself

Three things i love about this OP.

One is that you instantly defend your dd when someone suggests she is vile. The second is that you say that you might not go on the week away but you're not going to guilt or blame your dd for it. Thirdly that you have a difficult relationship with your mum and really don't want that with your dd.

I think dd is growing up and starting to feel the need to break away from you and assert her independence. I think she is lashing out a bit as part of that process. You say you've started to realise this and are putting some things in place so she can be more independent - I think that is a really, really good idea. Don't worry that she doesn't appreciate you complimenting her when she does it well, a lot of people are not very comfortable with compliments. DS says exactly the same to me and at 19 (and ND) he's still in the 'growing away' stage and finds everything I say annoying or patronising.

I don't think she wants to go on day trips with her mum any more OP, that might be a big part of the issue. Let her go to town and buy her own clothes, if it's just school uniform then get it yourself online or don't drag her around with you.

I would be looking at her future now - what can she be doing that will make her more independent and also improve her chances as she gets older. Think about her getting a part time job, doing some voluntary work, hobbies that will feed into her career or build other skills.

She's at an awkward age OP and I'd put it all down to that. Pile on the independence in an encouraging, positive way and find maybe just one thing that she really likes doing and enjoys doing with you. Step back from the rest and encourage her to do things for herself with your support and guidance if needed.

I think she's going to be just fine OP. Stay calm with her and just calmly point out 'you're being rude' if that's what she's doing then move on. No need for it to ever escalate beyond that.

Isn't it just!

Yes that shows deep love and care for your child and I don't blame op for defending her teen.

Yeah. They do

TBH @Theteenandme if the tickets were bought on your card, I’d be cancelling those (you can usually get a pretty full refund) and get your DH to re-buy the ones that they will need.

The amount of victim blaming on here is truly awful. Those of you who either don’t have children yet, or don’t have teenagers should simply not be on this thread with your ‘advice’ and ‘words of wisdom’.

Those of you who have teenagers who don’t display this kind of behaviour - well, lucky you. Listen to other posters who do have teenagers like this, and perhaps show them a bit of empathy and sympathy?

I have two DCs, both boys - one was great the other was not so. So nothing to do with their sex, or upbringing, as they were both the same.

Your husbands comments would infuriate me, just seen your update to 'I wasn't there' with him also saying 'there are two sides to every story' (yes but an adults side is likely more realistic than a sulky dramatic hormonal teen). He is basically calling you a liar and allowing a very odd dynamic to develop. Does he not acknowledge his part in this?

If you're not sure what to do about the holiday why don't you ask her. Say to her that you know that she hasn't been very happy spending time with you recently, she deserves a nice break and you don't want it to go wrong, does she think it would be best if you stayed at home which you're happy to do, or go along but put some stuff in place for gow you get along.