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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go on holiday on Monday

112 replies

Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 18:05

Almost 15yr old is being horrible to me basically all the time. Im glad if your kids are always wonderful to you but those comments wont help me so please dont.

After another day of her being nasty, Ive had enough.

My husband (her dad) essentially says things like "I wasnt there" etc so doesnt back me up. He doesnt do much with her by himself. Day trips etc always fall to just me. I never used to mind because they were generally good. Now they are horrible. She can be grumpy with him but is very rarely nasty with him.

Ive had it. I am so worn down by it. Im so fed up of her being nasty. It bloody hurts.

I really dont know what I do most of the time to cause it. Today for instance all was fine and then like a switch went, it wasnt. Something just changed in a second. When I asked if she was OK she said "no because Im with you. I dont like you so I dont like being here".

We are all meant to be going away on Monday. It's only a short train ride so not far. Ive told my husband Im not going. The idea of more of the same. I need a break. She probably does as well tbh.

He isnt happy. I think it's that he is disappointed that its meant to be a family holiday as much as a week of sole parenting. They'll go and theyll probably have a lovely time and then he'll say her attitude is because of something I do.

He wants to talk about it. I've said there is nothing to talk about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 19:00

Thank you everyone. Im getting quite upset so I need to put this down now but I will come back to it and read everyone's comments.

Thank you and if you are feeling like me, I hope things improve soon.

OP posts:

Ayeayeaye25 · 02/08/2025 19:02

Restlessinthenorth · 02/08/2025 18:50

@hmmimnotsurewhy I presume from your post you don't have teenagers or your own? if you met my 13 and 15 year old you would find them delightful, polite company. At home they can be both incredibly rude and unpleasant to me behind closed doors.

OP you have my sympathy, I am in the trenches with this too right now. I don't know what the answer is (though I suspect you will end up going, as would I!) but take heart from the many, many people who tell me their well parented kids go through this stage and come out the other end just fine!

Exactly this.

5128gap · 02/08/2025 19:04

I think you're absolutely right. If you stay home they will be fine and it will support DDs narrative that's its you. Far better to go and your H can at least see for himself how it plays out between you. You have this to deal with all the time anyway, so its nothing you're not used to, and at least you get a change of scene in a place you want to be, and can walk off for some solo time to enjoy it if it gets too bad. Go, but with your expectations of DD at rock bottom so you wont be disappointed.

Ayeayeaye25 · 02/08/2025 19:07

Theteenandme · 02/08/2025 19:00

Thank you everyone. Im getting quite upset so I need to put this down now but I will come back to it and read everyone's comments.

Thank you and if you are feeling like me, I hope things improve soon.

Look after yourself OP.

You honestly are not alone. Some teens or most teens go through this stage and whilst they can appear lovely to others they are often dreadful to mums. At several recent family celebrations several people sang her praises and made a point of saying what a lovely girl she was etc etc. I could hardly believe they were speaking about my daughter.

Please just ignore any unhelpful posters saying how perfect a parent they are and blaming you etc.

gamerchick · 02/08/2025 19:07

A week at home without a stroppy teen would be seductive. A break from each other can do some good.

Having issues does not mean they get to be rude to you and not get backed up by the other parent. No way I'd willingly put myself through a holiday of that crap. They'll be alright on their own.

MissAmbrosia · 02/08/2025 19:13

I think you ignore her remarks and go on the holiday. Kicking off is what they do. You have to rise above it.

Jennysjamas · 02/08/2025 19:14

Let them go on their own, give you and her time to think.
You say your relationship with your own mother isn't great, maybe that's the crux of it? Parents learn how to parent from their own parents, maybe delve into that and you maybe come up with why your relationship isn't great at the moment.
I was a shit teenager, said a lot of hurtful things, but I had undiagnosed nd and in the early eighties no one knew that.

MoveOverToTheSea · 02/08/2025 19:23

MissAmbrosia · 02/08/2025 19:13

I think you ignore her remarks and go on the holiday. Kicking off is what they do. You have to rise above it.

The OP is at the end if her tether.

It doesn’t matter why or who did what.
It just means that, just right now, have a break from each other will do everyone a lot of good.
The dd to experience stuff wo her mum. And get the space she wants.
The OP so she can get out of overwhelm
The dh so he actually has to step up and do some f* parenting for a change. He might even get some insights (even though I’m not holding my breath)

FurForksSake · 02/08/2025 19:24

https://amzn.eu/d/ca2vWqh this is such a good book, this too shall pass. Finding ways of communicating and understanding each other will help you both.

for now, try and go peacefully, have space from each other and ensure you have a private conversation with husband about supporting each other and being united.

Bunion8 · 02/08/2025 19:24

I’m so sorry you are having to endure this. I only have sons, but I’ve heard the way their female friends talk to their mums and it’s shocking. I’d be broken if my child spoke to me like that.
My best friend also has a daughter who behaves horribly and she’s a great mum, way more patient that me.
They're a few years older now and all delightful girls, including to their mums, so try and hold on for the long term. In the meantime
i definitely think you should put yourself first. Dont go next week, treat yourself instead, you deserve it.
Try not to feel guilty about not going, you’ve done everything you can and tell your DH and DD you’re at the end of your tether. Time alone might change the dynamic between all of you.
And maybe if you can, tell them you’re so concerned about the situation you’ve posted here. They need to know how worried you are.
Good luck OP

Charltonstrek · 02/08/2025 19:27

Hello op it's a funny age although that's no excuse but what I would say is don't react to it but instead take her aside and talk to her about it in a calm manner. Also can you leave her behind with friend or grandparents

Magicwand80 · 02/08/2025 19:27

Is your DD like this with her dad? I would not go on holiday. It's making you miserable and why should you put up with it. Why isn't your DH backing you? He's the issue too!

snemrose · 02/08/2025 19:28

I think you should stay at home and have some space from each other. Doesn’t have to be framed with blaming anyone just simply say you both need some space and offer to arrange something together for her return.
If your dh is any kind of husband and father he will back you up and try and have some chats with her whilst away.
Plan something nice for yourself whilst they are gone

Cornishclio · 02/08/2025 19:28

Well I would stop with the day trips. I also would not want to do the holiday if you just get more of the same. It sounds like your DH needs to step up as a parent anyway so removing yourself from the equation sounds a good move.

Balloonhearts · 02/08/2025 19:29

I'd be going on holiday. She wouldn't be.

She'd be staying at home with her father, seeing as he is so reluctant to step up and parent her, while I decided whether I had a future with someone so wet that he refuses to discipline his own daughter and tolerates his wife being spoken to with such disrespect.

I'd be giving them both a few home truths including telling her how disappointed and ashamed I am to have raised such a spiteful little bully and that her attitude and behaviour are disgusting and will no longer be tolerated.

Any luxuries would now have to be earned. Phone, game consoles, make up, expensive clothes, all gone. If you can't speak to me politely, I don't pay for anything beyond the basics. Lifts? Laundry? You can forget that too.

You can only have the piss taken out of you if you allow it. Don't allow it.

saraclara · 02/08/2025 19:32

I think you need to make a deal with your DH. You'll go on the holiday, but only if he'll back you up and not tolerate the way she speaks to you.

If you don't go, she'll be all sweetness and light with him, and he'll believe you even less.

Enrichetta · 02/08/2025 19:33

I would go on holiday but, if she decides to be awkward or nasty, go off somewhere and do my own thing. Leave her with her dad while you go shopping, to a museum, or just for a coffee and/or a walk.

SisterMargaretta · 02/08/2025 19:33

I would still go on the holiday as holidays can be an opportunity for relationships to be repaired. I would talk to her about the way she speaks to you and if she behaves like that while you are away, you can always come home if it's only a short journey away.

MoveOverToTheSea · 02/08/2025 19:34

@Balloonhearts i know where you’re coming from but I feel the dd would take that as a punishment and it would just inflame things.

The whole situation needs de escalation. Not punishments etc….

Charltonstrek · 02/08/2025 19:34

Sorry if I've given useless advice op I only skimmed over the thread but you definately need the holiday time apart if that's possible also if your dd does go with you and she becomes aa nightmare then make her dad spend some time with her and you go off and do something for yourself.
I used to humour my dc when he got a bit like this and it sort of helped diffuse it although that may not work or be acceptable for everybody.

Charltonstrek · 02/08/2025 19:39

MoveOverToTheSea · 02/08/2025 19:34

@Balloonhearts i know where you’re coming from but I feel the dd would take that as a punishment and it would just inflame things.

The whole situation needs de escalation. Not punishments etc….

Yes no use in fuelling up a already stroppy hormone enraged teenager and fight fire with fire it just doesn't work with them does it.

Florencelatsy · 02/08/2025 19:40

I was often awful to my mum as a teen, to anyone else I was seen as a well behaved and polite person, but I was suffering a lot with mental health and didn't know how to communicate properly, so the ones you love the most suffer unfortunately.
Is there something else in the mix here? I was never overly close to my mum and felt it hard to communicate my feelings and was diagnosed with clinical depression at 13. My mum really suffered as I took it out on her, but at the same time I felt she didn't want to engage with me so was always a lose lose situation.
It would do both of you no harm if you didn't want to go on the holiday and be good for you to have a rest and reset. Don't beat yourself up. Much better to be honest with yourself and know your limits. You know you are struggling and what you feel is a good option so go with that and don't feel guilty.

BoredZelda · 02/08/2025 19:41

Menopants · 02/08/2025 18:18

I do think at this stage you must have to ride it out. ALL teenagers say this sort of shit. You make her feel horrible and rejected if you start taking it personally and refuse to go on holiday. Eventually they stop

Mine never has. She’s 16 and we’ve had our moments, arguments etc, but she has never said anything like this. If she did I’d be sitting with her to discuss what the problem was.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/08/2025 19:42

Menopants · 02/08/2025 18:18

I've had many many issues with my 3 adult sons over the years but not once didn't any of them say they didn't like me as teenagers , that's worrying!

summershere99 · 02/08/2025 19:43

I don’t think you should just choose not to be around her. If your aim by not going is to make her feel guilty / bad for her behaviour I think it will back fire and will entrench it further. Even if that’s not your aim, it might seem like that to her. Not matter what you tell her about your reasons for not going she will perceive it as rejection.

You can be very clear with her that the way she talks to you sometimes is hurtful and not acceptable. Pick her up on it every single time. But also she’s 15 it’s really normal for her to not want to be around you / to be pushing you away. Frame it as fairly normal teen behaviour and don’t assume that it means she hates you. If you’ve been too restrictive with her she’s also probably trying to push back and assert her independence.

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