To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

"My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school.".

It's the middle of the school summer holidays - how is he coming over after school?

Is this 7-year old just popping round by himself, no parents involved? Do they know where he is, or is it normal in your area for 7-year olds to arrange playdates and make their own dinner plans without their parents?

I would expect some contact between the parents at this stage/age - get his mum's phone number and contact her to say: "Hi, your DS is here and would like to stay for tea - we are having xyzzy, can he stay?" OR "Hi, your DS popped around but we have plans from 5pm, can you please come and pick him up?"

If the 7-year olds are meeting up totally independently, without parents being in the loop, I would stick to snacks - it's strange to be feeding other people's kids full meals without the parents being in the loop. I mean imagine your DS (7) coming home and you ask him to sit down for dinner, and he replies: "No thanks, mum, I had dinner at Alfie's today, see ya later, I'm off for pudding at Toby's now." Surely that doesn't really seem conceivable at age 7, does it?

Yes me too, there was an edge of early series Professor McGonigle in there (before she warmed up).

Just reign it back.

Offer a snack when they get in - carrot sticks are cheap

Dinner - stick to pasta and sauce again cheap

Don't be afraid to say 'no sweetie thats all the snacks im doing'. Your the adult and they are the child.

He always turns up starving, eats really quickly and doesn’t seem to have had anything since lunch.

Does he go home after school and then to yours or does he go to your house straight from school?

My mates has so many interesting snacks at her house as her dc are very good at self limiting. My dc not so much, they would go wild with her snacks so iv said to her limit them to 1

If you can afford it, why not

A common misconception, Google AI says, unless the kid has a tapeworm, which is unlikely. You're confusing children with pets perhaps.

Make sure he’s not hungry, but a offer normal amount of snack and dinner, then be filled up on plain bread or toast spread with butter.

Can you speak to his mom? Maybe the boy has a huge appetite but the mom controls the food at home for his own health/to keep a healthy weight.

I don't think it's good he gets so much food at your house.

Eat bread and jam, by all means, but don't go calling it "dessert" 😄

I'd love to see it on a dessert menu.

Did anyone else have "afters" as a kid, or was that just our house?

I wouldn’t be cooking separate things to fill him or anything, but if you’re already cooking I would happily add more of the pasta or rice or potatoes or whatever. It costs pennies, only involves adding more to the pan or oven of what you’re already cooking and is not much of an inconvenience at all. I’d basically double what you’d normally cook of the carb, let him eat as much as he wants extra and then when it’s gone tell him you have no more.

That way you’re feeding the hungry child but not really having to do much extra. I’d say no to cake and only give him a single portion of whatever dessert you were already doing if any.

As far as the snacks, it really sounds like you’re giving more exciting snacks than his parents do. Giving away lots of extra snacks like cereal bars to another child would end up costing quite a bit extra in shopping so I’d stop that.

For snacks, I’d make a plate up of snacks for the boys with whatever amount seems reasonable and when it’s gone it’s gone.

If he asks for anything else I’d just say “sorry we have nothing else so you will have to ask your mum to get you something when you get home”. If he says anything concerning in response to that then of course you’ll just have to report it like you would any other concern.

I get the loaf of bread suggestions but I’m not sure I would want a 7 year old who isn’t even my child who had eaten snacks, several servings of dinner and dessert to just be allowed to gorge himself on a loaf of bread. At 7, would you have to keep toasting/buttering it for him? It feels like a concerning level of over eating at that point and I’m not sure I’d want to just go along with it as if it’s normal.

Having some slices of bread with dinner is fine but he really shouldn’t need all of that extra.

If it’s a safeguarding issue and he’s not being fed properly then all you can do is report anything concerning to the school but you’re already doing more than your share to help with the meal and snacks twice a week.

If he has bad eating habits and is eating past being full then I worry it could almost become a weird secret habit where he goes to your house and binges.

If your snacks are so exciting that he is skipping lunch and arriving starving on the days he’s coming to you then hopefully he will learn to stop that when the snacks become less exciting.

If it’s a medical thing like worms or diabetes then it needs sorting rather than just keeping on feeding him so perhaps it would be worth mentioning how hungry he is to his mum.

If your son enjoys the company, I'd just go for cheap food and plenty of it.

One snack before tea, then "sorry, there's no more snacks, but tea will only be 20 mins". And then pasta/jacket potatoes/beans on toast etc. Extra toast if still hungry.

I know this is something that deeply divides MN, but I never do pudding, for my own kids or for guests 🤷‍♀️

This

OP, how many times per week? Furthermore, if he is at yours for a play date why are you feeding him a full dinner plus extras? Send him home for dinner.

Is he tall? One of my ds (4) is very tall and slim but requires much more food than my other ds and peers his age. However he’s also very energetic and burns it off quick. Many days he eats more than me! Fish fingers and beans would not fill him up if there wasn’t some form of potato/rice on the side too.

Maybe offer him toast after dinner. Cheap and filling. It is rude he’s asking. I remember having a large appetite at the same age but was taught not to ask for food when at friends houses!

I've just realised you say he comes twice a week? That's not a playdate, that's childcare.

Serve water with the meal, he might be confusing thirst with hunger. A large glass of water will both rehydrate him and trick his stomach into feeling fuller. Don’t offer a sweet pudding. Say he can have a piece of fruit or a cracker with cheese.

HNFT but have you spoken to this child’s Mother.?!
Does your child go there to play ?!
Does the child look healthy?!

If it was me I’d buy some cheap bulky food it’s probably a growth spurt, I can’t help but feel like hungry children should have the option to eat

Offer cheap, plain unpalatable food to fill him up:

• potatoes. Loads of them, and root veg generally. Its bulky, cheap and filling.

Some 8 year old boys do need big portions though. Mine is thin as a rake and eats massive amounts, god knows where he puts it.

I do think you need to just say no to snacks/seconds though. Some boys this age would just eat continuously given half a chance, primarily due to boredom.

My son had one of these friends, it got infuriating by the end.
He wasn't even there to play anymore, just asked me over and over when he will be eating.
Even if I told him very firm to get out of the kitchen and go and play, food will be half an hour...he would be back 3 minutes later with a creepy smile rubbing his hands together.
I wasn't even polite by the end, just told him to stop asking or he would get nothing. I don't mind feeding a polite, grateful kid but not an ignorant, expectant kid.

Oh and i will be the rare one to say - give a pudding!!

Big bowl of cheap rice pudding (make it with very little sugar), or a jam roly poly (again lots of recipes have no sugar added), fruit crumbles with custard. Kids this age need calories and a homemade pudding can provide dairy, egg, fruit and carbohydrate.

Three times a week? Are you minding him for mum?

If it’s just a play date I would say yes to dinner once a week but no more.
Toast and PB, cereal etc after school if too hungry for the one snack offered. We don’t have pudding every night, I would offer the boy a yogurt or a piece of fruit.

I don’t object to a pudding, just not every night. If the DC had friends for a play date I would offer pudding but not for 3 nights a week/weird childcare expectation.

Also do you cook quite nice meals? I cook at home.... Nothing fancy but from scratch, hearty meals - lasagne, cottage pie, roast dinners, fresh curries, chilli. I had a kid eat loads and ask for more every time he came. One time i was invited in for a drink at his when picking up DS.... and then i understood. His parents were crap at cooking and at home he was given small portions of pretty grim looking food out of packets. Poor kid wanted to fill up at mine. I would have too.