AIBU - My husband has made a decision for me without me being involved.

[femm123]

Our joint car insurance policy is due for renewal in the next few weeks and we normally sit down and look at policies together for life, house, car etc. I noticed two payments come out of our joint account whilst I was out, so I rang him to ask what they are for as I didn't recognise the names of the companies and wanted to know incase the transactions were fraudulent. I spoke with him and he told me that instead of renewing a multi-car policy, it was cheaper by £8 a month total to take out two separate policies as they both also have lower excesses than the joint one. Wonderful, we love saving some money and lower excess for us both sounds great should we ever need to use it, however his policy is with a reputable well known company and mine is with someone I have never heard of before and I have only ever gone with companies I am familiar with (personal preference). I spoke with him last night renewal is not for a few weeks and we said we'd look together this afternoon but he has gone and sorted it himself this morning. I love the initiative however I have two issues with this. One: He has taken out a policy in my name, for my car without asking me or even including me in the decision making process. Two: When I explained that I was upset and that even though I appreciate him doing it, I had a right to choose who my car insurance is with and would have appreciated him jus sending me the options so I could choose for myself, he said I was ungrateful and rude and that because I'm on my period, I need to stop being so 'emotional' and 'have a cup of tea to calm down'. That instantly flared the feminist in me and I told him he had no right to make any decisions about any aspect of my life, without even asking me and that just because I'm on my period, that isn't the reason I am upset. I feel ridiculed, embarrassed and so small as a person after this.

AIBU - to be upset about him making a decision for me without me when we normally make decisions together?

I know it seems silly, but I truly believe, no matter how big or small, we are equals and therefore we always make decisions as a team. Worst thing is that we are going out for our 3rd wedding anniversary tonight and now I feel eughh about the whole discussion. Any thoughts would be appreciated! TYIA :)

His response was rude and juvenile but I really couldn’t get worked up about the fact he sorted the car insurance, I’d just think great job done & money saved and give it no more thought.

He's sexist to say that about your period. Is he usually like that?

You will have a cooling of period. Just cancel it. Sure your hubbie will have got the message by now.

There should be a 14-day cooling off period. Just take out another policy and cancel the other one.

Totally unacceptable for him to do this, but equally I’m sure some of us would love to have a DH who takes responsibility for tasks like this, so don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

The period comment is not great, but maybe he felt got at after trying to do a positive thing. If he’s not usually like that I’d probably let it go.

Why would you both do all the renewals? Seems like a waste of time, it's a 1 person job

I couldn’t give a toss who my car is insured by. I couldn’t give a toss who sorts it. It surely doesn’t take two people to do it though. It’s not a “decision” it’s just a bit of admin.

His comment about your period is something I could get worked up about though!

If you need to be affronted about anything, let it be that, not the insurance which is a complete non-issue.

Him having a go at you and suggesting it’s because you are normal definitely isn’t ok.

On the underlying issue, DH and I have been together for over 20 years, and over that time we’ve reached a certain division of labour, eg he handles all the utilities and insurance (I couldn’t even tell you who our energy company is) while I do all our tax returns and manage our bank accounts and making sure we have money in the right place at the right time, for example. We trust each other, have joint finances, and it would double the amount of time spent on all these chores if we both did both things together.

BUT in your situation, when you hadn’t pre-agreed that sort of division of labour, and in fact agreed the opposite (that you’d do it together), then it’s not ok, no. Especially if he’s signed you up with a dodgy policy.

I think with insurance you have a statutory cooling down period to cancel within the first 14 days. I’d do that and insure yourself with a reputable insurer.

Not sure why it needs both of you to make joint decisions on car insurance renewals?

DH has always just sorted ours. I trust him and his decision making around this kind of thing so I just don't get involved. I sort the pet insurance out and never involve him in who we go to for that.

I don't think I could make a drama out of something so small to be honest. In the whole scheme of things its really not that big a deal. But I am a firm believer in picking your battles.

But he was a bit of an immature twat when you questioned him about it. Being on your period? Bloody hell, how old is he, 15? Sounds like one of the boys at school when I was a teenager. Guy seriously needs to grow the fuck up. I think that is the thing that would have annoyed me the most.

I honestly just appreciated not having to trawl the comparison sites having to sort it, so it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, now I’m doing it all myself it’s a PITA tbh.
It’s not like he’s decided which actual car you are buying, but I’d have ripped his head off if he’d responded to the suggestion we do it together in future like that, but it depends if you were calmly discussing it or if you were overreacting I suppose.
Was his suggestion you calm down an actual put down, or were you overreacting to the situation?

I wouldn’t have started the argument in the first place. Why does it need two of you to pick some insurance?
BUT his response was rude and disrespectful.

He certainly shouldn't have patronised you about being on your period. That was sexist and rude so I'd be telling him that.

I'm not sure I'd have been too worked up about him having sorted the car insurance. I'd look at the policy and if I didn't like it I'd use the cooling off period to cancel it. Then I'd rearrange it to one of my personal choice.

DH and I don't sort all of these things together. He sorts his car insurance out and I sort mine. Every year. We aren't even on each other's policies either and neither of us is bothered.

Can’t you just cancel the policy during the cooling off period? He tried to do something helpful and got it wrong, you do sound like you over reacted a bit. It’s just not a massive deal either way.

Sometimes my DH does renewals etc and sometimes I do. I personally wouldn’t be bothered but this bit is the red herring - the actual problem are his comments about your period. Ffs. I’d want to have a serious discussion about respect.

Some of the posts on her are so over the top, sounds like he thought he was doing you a favour and you blow up over nothing, however his reaction is condescending.

Life is too short to worry about the minors things, would be happy if my husband would sort out all the insurances.

I’m amazed that you see car insurance as a two person job to be honest. It’s just another bit of life admin, my husband has sorted ours out for years- he’s not an idiot and would choose the best deal overall & as long as the cars are insured I don’t care who by.

As other have said - any insurance is not a 2 person job, so 1 person just go ahead and sort it out. I wouldn't have started an argument about that.
But the period comments would annoy me alot!!

So cancel your policy and choose your own. It’s car insurance - it’s not that interesting. Loads of insurers have loads of brands so it may well be actually with someone you’ve heard of.

People saying they couldn't care less who their car is insured with, clearly have never had to make a claim!!
I always check reviews not just price.

Being with an insurer known for their good customer service, not some random online provider with 1 star ratings, is worth it when a twat hits your car when they're reversing and you need a quick reliable response from your car insurance company!

He must have done it online to even be able to do it so you can cancel and find your own.

This is one of the times when pick your battles.

Does it really matter that someone else has done it? Really?
He probably thought he was being nice and saving you a job. I'd have thought that if I'd done that for dh.

So you say "oh, I'd have liked to have a say, can you check with me before you pay next time." And life goes on smoothly.

My Grandad at their platinum wedding said that a secret of a long marriage was to "ascribe the best of intentions when things go wrong"

So assume he did it because he thought he was saving you a job, and didn't know that you would be so worked up about it.
I'm 25 year down the line from you and I can look back and can chuckle a bit about the things we carefully made joint decisions on (car insurance wasn't one of them!).
Then we went through a stage where one of us would basically sort stuff, then check before the final paying.
Now it tends to be Have you sorted the insurance?" "Yes did it a couple of days ago." "Great thank you. I won't do anything then."

That's because we trust that each other is doing a reasonable job, and intends to do the best they can with it.

If I say "I just auto-renewed because I didn't have the time to go through all the options" then dh will respect that I made that decision for the best reasons, and not make a fuss, even if he disagrees. He'll say something like "I can look at it next year."

I would love for my husband to take on tasks like this without me having to do anything. If you are that bothered cancel the policy

I never get the cheapest insurance quote, you get what you pay for! This would have annoyed me. Cancel and get proper cover

"however his policy is with a reputable well known company and mine is with someone I have never heard of before"

this is what would worry me.

Is everyone missing the point? Op said she wanted to choose for herself and her DH didn't even let her know in advance or afterwards that he's done it.

Just because pp don't care about car insurance, op does and wanted to choose for herself.

It's different if there has been a prior agreement that DH "sort out all insurance matters" but they obviously didn't have that prior arrangement.

Op I'm with you, it's the principle that he is acting as if you are a Victorian wife with no agency, then doubles and triples down with you discuss it with him.

His response was terrible and I would be Very annoyed by that, but sorting out the insurance wouldn't bother me at all as it would be one less thing for me to do.