AIBU - My husband has made a decision for me without me being involved.

[femm123]

Our joint car insurance policy is due for renewal in the next few weeks and we normally sit down and look at policies together for life, house, car etc. I noticed two payments come out of our joint account whilst I was out, so I rang him to ask what they are for as I didn't recognise the names of the companies and wanted to know incase the transactions were fraudulent. I spoke with him and he told me that instead of renewing a multi-car policy, it was cheaper by £8 a month total to take out two separate policies as they both also have lower excesses than the joint one. Wonderful, we love saving some money and lower excess for us both sounds great should we ever need to use it, however his policy is with a reputable well known company and mine is with someone I have never heard of before and I have only ever gone with companies I am familiar with (personal preference). I spoke with him last night renewal is not for a few weeks and we said we'd look together this afternoon but he has gone and sorted it himself this morning. I love the initiative however I have two issues with this. One: He has taken out a policy in my name, for my car without asking me or even including me in the decision making process. Two: When I explained that I was upset and that even though I appreciate him doing it, I had a right to choose who my car insurance is with and would have appreciated him jus sending me the options so I could choose for myself, he said I was ungrateful and rude and that because I'm on my period, I need to stop being so 'emotional' and 'have a cup of tea to calm down'. That instantly flared the feminist in me and I told him he had no right to make any decisions about any aspect of my life, without even asking me and that just because I'm on my period, that isn't the reason I am upset. I feel ridiculed, embarrassed and so small as a person after this.

AIBU - to be upset about him making a decision for me without me when we normally make decisions together?

I know it seems silly, but I truly believe, no matter how big or small, we are equals and therefore we always make decisions as a team. Worst thing is that we are going out for our 3rd wedding anniversary tonight and now I feel eughh about the whole discussion. Any thoughts would be appreciated! TYIA :)

I couldn't get worked up about this

If you’ve never heard of the insurance co I’d be concerned as there are lots of fraudulent websites around and people are driving around uninsured unbeknownst to them. Do a bit of research for reassurance. I’d be cross too at not being consulted.

Not unreasonable at all and it would really annoy me, especially with a company you’ve not heard of. Has he checked the defaqto rating for the company before selecting or as he just prioritised saving money? Personally I’d want to ensure a company I was insured with was 5 star defaqto rated for the most comprehensive cover.

I am very surprised at the number of people who aren’t bothered about a partner sorting insurance with an unheard of company and even more so not caring who their insurance is with. Some companies with much less comprehensive cover are a nightmare to deal with if you do ever have to claim.

I fucking hate it when men blame your response to their bad behaviour on your hormones or you being emotional. Its a great way to belittle you and avoid responsibility for what they have done. I had someone do this to me recently and he was astonished when I clapped back that my feelings about other things in my life where not the reason I found what he was doing acceptable.

So i think being a team also means trusting eachother to do things for both of you.

Personally I might have said, you should have consulted me before signing me up for it. But thank you, i appreciate you trying to sort it.

I do think his response is understandable though. It doesnt matter why you feel like you do, you explained that and he dismissed it as your period. Id be more annoyed at that

I really couldn’t have got worked up about needing to spend time sitting and having a whole discussion about it in the first place.

But his period comment was out of order.

His response was twatish but in all honesty I wouldn't be expecting a call from my hubby immediately if he was out checking up on payments going out and then complaining about him not letting you choose. It would come across very much like you don't trust him. I would have read through the policy first and then said someone along the lines of not happy with these points in the policy so going to cancel and go for this one instead

You might. Are when you have to claim as some companies are definitely better than others.

@femm123 YANBU OP. If my DH ever spoke to me in that misogynistic way he'd be left in no doubt he should never risk doing so again (and I'd be demanding an apology from him before I would agree to go out to dinner tonight). How dare he?! 😡
One thing I would have done though, before saying anything to him, is checked any reviews for the company he's insured your car with - they might be fine, but if they're terrible then you have some real ammunition to fire at him for getting so "emotional". You do, of course, have a minimum cooling off period of 14 days so if, when you've researched the company, you're not happy, you can cancel the policy and choose your own car insurer.

This.

DH: I've sorted the car insurance for both of us
Me: Thank Fuck

DH: Stop being emotional just because you're on your period
Me: Off you Fuck.

You are both unreasonable. He has snapped a shitty, unnecessary response to your ridiculous drama.

He tried to save you the chore of life admin and you threw it back in his face. His retaliation comments have made him look an idiot but if you hadn’t picked a fight in the first place, it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

This WOULD bother me, because (1) the two of you had agreed to discuss changing (not just renewing) the insurance and he decided unilaterally that the discussion wasn't necessary, (2) he didn't just switch from a shared to two separate policies, which would have been fine, but actually used a completely different vendor to insure a car that belongs to you, and only you use, AND signed up for the policy in your name. It's not disastrous as you can reverse it without penalty, but in principle it's weird as hell, and (3) why did he choose two separate vendors, with the one he chose for you being the less reputable, trusted, established, or known? There may very well be a good reason, but why is he refusing to tell you?

That last pair would be the real dealbreaker for me, the shutting you down when you wanted to discuss something that concerned or upset you, to understand why it happened because if it's going to set a precedent you want to prevent a recurrence, based on this: When I explained that I was upset and that even though I appreciate him doing it, I had a right to choose who my car insurance is with and would have appreciated him jus sending me the options so I could choose for myself, he said I was ungrateful and rude and that because I'm on my period, I need to stop being so 'emotional' and 'have a cup of tea to calm down'.

Unless he's 90+ years old or a time traveller, this sounds like an attempted windup. It's tiresome and disappointing to have to explain why it's not funny (and in this case it's particularly out of touch). But the biggest issue is that he is telling you that your opinions, your reactions, and your choices are wrong and don't deserve a hearing because they differ from his. He's trying to shame you out of having equal input into the relationship whenever that's inconvenient for him. I have no idea why he did what he did, and neither do you. That, and the fact that he becomes so unpleasant when you WANT to understand what's happening in your own life, is absolutely worth questioning and continuing to question. If the two of you can't have an open discussion with the possibility of compromise when something isn't right form EITHER perspective, how can there ever be a relationship of equals?

This
Im policy sorter, I dont think dh could tell you what's insured with whom

Though tbh if he was doing separate policies he could have just left yours

That's me, too. I research everything. Which is why my late husband was happy to let me to do all the household financial stuff!

I agree it's not a two person decision, but usually couples divvy up this kind of work.

OP, just use the cooling off period and choose your own. But don't make a mountain of of a molehill over this.

My DH does mine every year. I couldn't even tell you when it ends.

Wouldn't care about the car insurance part particularly (although in our house, I do all such admin and dh has zero idea who we're insured with or anything) but I sure as hell would have an issue with the "period/calm down with a cup of tea" remarks.

I don't know what the rush was if you had already decided to discuss it later. It's a bit bizarre that he would go from a multicar policy to two separate policies with different companies, why would your policy have to be with someone else to get a good price? If you are not happy just cancel it, it hasn't started yet so should just be a phone call, and then find your own insurance, it's easy to do online, I always do mine totally separately to DH, makes life much simpler! Just tell him you don't like that company and you will sort it out, then enjoy your dinner.

God I bloody wish someone would sort this kind of shit for me!!

I would be really annoyed if my DH took out car insurance out on my behalf with a crappy firm. I only buy insurance from 5* Defaqto rated companies having had a bad experience with one of the low/non-rated firms when I was in an accident.

It's not doing the task that's the issue, it's doing the task in my name with a crappy company that will be my problem if I'm in an accident and they're shit. He does know this though, so he would be 100% going against what I would buy myself, and it's that which would be the issue for me, willfully doing the opposite of what I would do myself for something in my name. That's not taking the mental load off me, it's adding to it as now either I sort it out or worry the company will be shit.

Absolutely this! 👆 I can't believe all the PPs who think just getting the cheapest price is the only criterion for buying car insurance. For all OP knows, her DH may have bought her policy through a "ghost" broker and the policy is a scam. Funny how his policy is with a reputable brand though. 🙄

Really? Your DH picks himself a reputable well known company for his car insurance and picks a company you have never heard of for yours?!!! I’d hit the bloody roof if mine did that.

And then we get to his patronising comment about OP being on her period?

OP, your DH is a patronising idiot. If I was unfortunate enough to be married to him he would never be allowed to handle any financial matters pertaining to me ever again.

I would not get bothered by this, actually I would be happy for one less thing to do. I think you sound slightly controlling.
He was rude in his response.

Him going ahead and making a decision for you and his later sexist comments to you aren't two separate things are they? He's a dick isn't he?

Cancel it.
DH has taken over sorting out insurances now he's retired - I used to do them when he was working. He always checks I'm happy with his choice (after lots of research) before paying for them from out joint account.
You have a "cooling off" period. So use it.