Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

[TheQuickHam]

Every year, the family have a week long get together. My parents pay for the house rental.

It's me, dh, dd (31), ds (24), parents (late 80s), my brother and his wife, and my niece (27). We rent a 5 bed house, which means dd and niece share a room with two singles.

DS gets his own (double) room. He wants to bring his girlfriend who he has been with for 5 years and lives with.

My niece wants to bring her girlfriend who she owns a flat with and has been with for 6 years.

As it stands, there would be room for DS' girlfriend, but not for my niece's girlfriend.

I suggested that we get a bigger house so that partners can join the holiday so that the family tradition can evolve and continue. This would mean renting a bigger place, and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

My parents are point blank refusing because they don't feel 'comfortable' sharing their holiday with partners. Dbro suspects they have an issue with niece having a girlfriend.

AIBU to think adult partners should be 'allowed' on a family holiday?

It is all a bit unusual. My siblings and I stopped going on holiday with our parents in our early 20s. We used our limited money and annual leave going on holiday with partners and/or friends. It was only when we started have kids of our own that family holidays were mooted again, and we've had a few long weekends and short breaks together. My grandma joined us once (so we had 4 generations together) but it did get too much for her so she didn't come when we all went again a couple of years later.

In this case I do find it a bit strange that your adult children and niece want to come, but presumably they enjoy each other's company as well as spending time with the older generations. My suggestion would be to rent two houses so the adult children can stay in one house with their partners, then you/DH, DB/SIL and your parents can stay in the other one. Obviously that would increase the budget as you'd be paying for two 3-bedroom houses, but you said everyone is willing to share the cost.

I think as it’s the grandparents funding the holiday, they get to choose who to invite.

it is then obviously up to each invitee to decide whether to come or not!

Guess you either accept their invitation to pay for it minus the partners or book somewhere bigger, everyone pays their own and you invite the parents and grandparents to come.

Oh come on. What 20-something wants to pay to take their grandparents on holiday? It’s a surprise they want to go at all!

The grandparents are not confused old duffers being conned into laying on a free trip. They have chosen to organise and pay for this year after year because they want the whole family together, and they know footing the bill is how to achieve that - and because they're paying, they want to say who comes and who doesn’t. That’s all well and good, but now they’re finding the free family holiday isn’t such a compelling offer after all when partners are excluded. They now have to decide which they want more - the trip with the grandchildren, or the trip without the grandchildren’s partners. I suspect they won’t get both.

I completely agree with this and I wonder if there's something to this. What effort do the DGC make outside of these holidays with their DGP to build their relationship with their partners? And I say this as someone who is early 30s but been with my DH since our late teens and all our extended families built warm relationships with both of us very quickly, we both made a lot of effort, we are both very family orientated people. We've just sadly lost DH's final DGP which we are all very sad about.

Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree though.

Chip in to me would be everyone going pays their fair share of the total, thats what chipping in means

There are broadly three possible courses of action:

(1) continue the tradition as is and allow the grandparents to make the rules; this may mean the grandchildren are less likely to participate.

(2) tell the grandparents you'd like to book a larger house as some of the grandchildren want to bring their partners and follow through even if they say no; this may mean they are offended and/or don't join you (or it may not - if they are not comfortable having "non-family" in a house they've rented and are responsible for, your taking over may fix that).

Or (3) ask them what specifically is the issue with the two other proposed guests coming. Is it not seeing partners other than spouses as "part of the family" but if one of the grandchildren eloped tomorrow the new spouse would be welcome? Is it not knowing and therefore not trusting the individual partners? Is it that they see the tradition as something for the 9 people who've always gone and don't want to alter that? Or something else?

I think that what's normal in other people's families isn't immediately relevant if you choose option 3; you'll have to find out what the resistance is to see if they can be persuaded or if there's a fix or compromise.

If neither are married and neither have children with the partner then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not invite them

Sounds awful, much better they just go away with their partners and you are left with the family.

What does family mean to you?

I know what it means to me and what I'd think was right.

If my children’s partners were not included in holidays, none of us would go.

And I think its not unreasonable for the people who are invited to not go. As I said, its kind of FAFO.

so if someone decides to never get married, but be in a stable relationship and have children, it's normal to never invite the partner?

Good thing gay marriage is legal in most of our countries then 😂

so it's reasonable to invite fertile couples only? Anyone's partner suffering from infertility is out?

Charming.

Grandparents don’t get to act as dictators. So long as the adults chip in for the bigger place then that seems a good compromise. If they have a problem with grandchildren’s partners then grandchildren are in their rights to say no thanks to a family holiday.

Not acknowledging your adult grandchildrens' relationships is really rude. Doesn't particularly matter if you're paying.

Maybe worth being blunt with the grandparents: the holiday isn't going to continue as it has the last x years. Your grandchildren are adults with limited annual leave and won't come on holiday without their partners.

You could make it a smaller holiday with no grandchildren, which might suit the grandparents better. Or go back to your original plan of going to a bigger house with room for everyone. Or have split accommodation: two generations in one place and the other generation in a separate house.

Sounds like it’s time for you to start your own family tradition and rent a house big enough for your DC and partners.

Why does marriage make a difference? They live together - surely that’s enough to “prove” it’s a committed relationship

It might be worth saying to your parents that this is the (adult) grandchildren's attempt to keep the holiday going. The parents can refuse to adapt, sure, but they will be cutting off their nose to spite their face because it'll just precipitate the GC to stop coming.

If they want to keep doing the holiday, sooner or later they will need to meet the other adults half way. You only keep "power" in these situations by being judicious in how you exercise it.

Yes, it's quite healthy for these things to evolve. Arguably it speaks to a relatively well functioning family that the younger members are raising the discussion, rather than simply voting with their feet.

what weird and useless suggestions!

Option 1 - the two partners might have never met each other! Why on earth would they want to share a completely different property with a near stranger for a whole week, allowed to make a few guest appearances with the rest of the family for 'activities' but otherwise kept apart from everyone like a victorian mistress! everyone else settles down to watch a movie and they get turfed out into the night. family go out for a lovely meal together and they have to order a takeaway to eat in their bedroom or make awkward conversation with their partner's cousin's girlfriend.

what a shit holiday for them! and what a welcome to the family from people who might end up being the parents of OP's grandchildren!

Option 3 - doesn't even make any sense as the GPs aren't saying they don't have enough room for the partners, or only one partner is allowed at a time, they don't want any of them there full stop, so taking it in turns wouldn't make any difference.

Gradual change or none at all for the eighty years olds.

The old ones are very old. It is not worth extra drama and confrontation.

Why are some Mumsnet users so quick to treat the elderly like simpletons who can’t cope with the slightest change in circumstances, and must therefore be treated with kid gloves?

Okay, so they’re elderly. But they’re also in a position to take their entire extended family on holiday every year. You don’t accumulate that sort of cash by being daft. The grandparents know exactly what they’re doing by dictating who can and can’t come on this holiday. To cast them in the role of confused and vulnerable pensioners who think the war is still going on is insulting.

As long as the grandparents pay for the majority of the holiday, they get to determine the rules. Everyone else can decide to join or not.

Why jump to homophobia when the problem is likely to be these are girlfriends and boyfriends and not wives and husbands? The grandparents clearly don’t have a problem with partners in general because spouses from one generation are welcome,

I would sit down with your parents and explain that in the not to distant future. Your children may marry and have kids(even if is a slight lie). And its time new traditions are made.
But that you will all split the cost of the full week/house. Not just pay the extra .

I don’t think anyone is wrong here. I get why it’s nice to just hang out with the same family group as always and not have to have new people around but I also get that it’s nice to have everyone there and to enjoy everyone’s company. It’s not an old person thing though. Look at the zillions of Mumsnetters who don’t like to mix with people.

We pay for big family holidays for our adult kids and have always included any partners. It’s fun. However, I do like it when the kids all end up at home without partners. They revert to their childhood ways. It’s also great fun.

OP, have your parents mixed with the kids partners before? If not then I understand their point of view.