Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

[TheQuickHam]

Every year, the family have a week long get together. My parents pay for the house rental.

It's me, dh, dd (31), ds (24), parents (late 80s), my brother and his wife, and my niece (27). We rent a 5 bed house, which means dd and niece share a room with two singles.

DS gets his own (double) room. He wants to bring his girlfriend who he has been with for 5 years and lives with.

My niece wants to bring her girlfriend who she owns a flat with and has been with for 6 years.

As it stands, there would be room for DS' girlfriend, but not for my niece's girlfriend.

I suggested that we get a bigger house so that partners can join the holiday so that the family tradition can evolve and continue. This would mean renting a bigger place, and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

My parents are point blank refusing because they don't feel 'comfortable' sharing their holiday with partners. Dbro suspects they have an issue with niece having a girlfriend.

AIBU to think adult partners should be 'allowed' on a family holiday?

This would mean renting a bigger place, and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

A few people seem to of overlooked the fact they said they will all chip in.
If the grandparents are adamant they don’t want to share ‘their’ family holiday with grandchildren AND partners then I’d just book another holiday for all and not invite the grandparents.

Rude to invite partners that they are living with, and are in long term relationships with. It’s different if they’d be seeing them for, under a year for example.

Two polls on Family Whats App.
Poll one - who is up for a holiday without partners - let’s have one week out as a family
Poll two - I’d love a family holiday but would like to at least be able to ask my partner / gf. / bf and I’m happy to chip in to costs…

Results will be transparent to grandparents ! they can make their decisions

At 18 I'd have been embarrassed about my elderly GPs funding my holiday let alone my partner's holiday as well!
These "children" are in their 20's and 30's they should be paying to take their GPs away now not the other way around!

Happy to chip in? When they're wanting to add another 2 people in the mix which means the GPs are now paying for 11 people? They shouldn't be chipping in they should all be paying their own share!

If you are all willing to put your hand in your pocket, why don't you rent a place big enough and then invite your parents?

Bizarre behaviour, after all your DH and SIL are invited, and they are "partner"

I would just rent next door, and invite the other "partners".

Erm, it's not a homophobic hint, it's a hint that the parents may be homophobic? Hardly OP's fault.

That's what chip in means?

To chip in would be everyone cover their own share of the costs

Technically yes those who footing the bill get to set the rules. But this kind of mean, non-inclusive rule-setting isn't conducive to happy families at all, and I suspect the grandparents are about to find out.

I wouldn't want to go if I was one of the grandchildren, and I think the OP and her brother should make it clear they'd be supported if they opted out.

If I was the OP's brother and if I really suspected homophobia was at play there's no way in hell I'd be going any more anyway, because I'd want to support my daughter.

I like the suggestion of just taking over the booking/paying yourself, if it's a family tradition you want to keep going. Then the grandparents can opt in or out as they choose - but it's more important to include the next generation's partners.

Gradual change or none at all for the eighty years olds.

Keep the holiday but also rent a nearby two bedrooms for the two partners for a couple of the nights.
Have the partners join in for all the day time activities for a couple of days. Slowly introduce the idea of them participating in the holiday.
Other options ..
Hire a smaller family holiday house and another three bedroom house for all the grandchildren for the whole holiday.

One of the grandchildren misses out each year and their space can be taken up with partners.

The old ones are very old. It is not worth extra drama and confrontation.

All the grandchildren and partners could get their own house next to/near by to house with grandparents and parents

Your parents can choose who to invite. Those invited can choose whether they wish to go but your parents should realise this may mean some won't be coming because they have limited annual leave and would presumably prefer to spend it with their SO.

You and Dbro need a good conversation with your parents.

Our experience as the next generation gradually doubled in size and the GPs got more frail (less physically resilient, deafer, changes in sleep pattern and eventually for DF the early stages of dementia) is that the group was getting bigger, louder and the GPs felt more disconnected.

Now in their early nineties, their appetite for big family events which had always been a feature has now declined radically. Their abilities to host have declined similarly although it was hard to manage this as DM would issue invitations then feel overwhelmed but wouldn’t acknowledge it because hosting has been a great talent of hers all her life.

It’s clearly not ok to deal with this by excluding live-in partners, but maybe you could work on a plan that could work for your parents - some great suggestions already on the thread including the two house solution.

Your parents need to accept that they need larger accommodation to include their grandchildrens partners, or that some of these adults choose their own holidays and don't attend.

@TheQuickHam I have DCs and niece and nephew with in the same age range and I'm afraid they just wouldn't go on a holiday to which long-term.partners were not invited. As PPs have said, they would prioritise spending annual leave with those partners over grandparents.

Furthermore if me and DH were in the position of having to choose to holiday with my parents or with our DCs, that would be a no-brainer too. So ultimately, while your parents are entitled to invite who they want, they are likely to be the losers in this scenario, the family holidays may well cease to happen at all.

Perhaps you could have a quiet chat with your parents to explain the changing dynamics and that their grandchildren are now autonomous adults who won't passively accept having their partners excluded.

Your parents don't want to accept that their grandchildren are now full-blown adults in very serious adult relationships.

Yes, your parents are paying for the trip, but the grandchildren made it clear that they were willing to basically pay the way for their partners. Your parents refusal of this shows that they only want the holiday on their terms and they shouldn't be surprised when their adult grandchildren sit it out.

If I were your adult children or your niece, I would no longer attend.

It just sounds like no ring no bring.

Up to the GP who they invite. Up to the GC if they accept invitation or not.

I wouldn’t get excited about this.

If the other partners come I think your DD might feel a bit of a spare part being the only one without a partner.But then if the cousin and her brother choose not to come she will equally be the “young person”, which at her age she isn’t. Does she live with you? Does she have her own friends she could go away with?

Maybe it is time for the “tradition” to change, so you, your brother, your partners and your parents take the house and enjoy the week while the next generation use their precious holiday entitlement to holiday as they want to.

Does "chip in" mean the adult children are covering the full cost of the house rental?

Or does it mean they’re just contributing the small additional cost of upgrading from a five-bedroom to a six-bedroom house?

Ultimately, it comes down to 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'.

It's time for the 'tradition' to come to an end.

The whole situation is well past its sell by date.

What’s bizarre? Dh and SIL are married to their spouses.

and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

The kids are happy to chip in and its not nice to use money as a weapon if the kids are happy to pay the difference.

What kind of a family doesn't allow partners to come.. why is ops dh or even the ops dad coming then.. they too are just partners as such.

So who pays for your husband and your brother’s wife?
Woud the partners of your son and niece be included when they get married?
Would they be included when they have children?
Or are they always going to be excluded because “there is no space”?

I guess your parents are entitled to say they don’t want to go to a bigger house and /or they don’t want to pay for grandchildren’s partners (married /living together or not yet living together). But the grandchildren are just as entitled to decide they want to spend their annual leave with their own partners, or people who are accepting of having them as a couple. It sounds like your son and niece have got their own family unit (no children yet, but if you’re living together you should be viewed as a married couple). Sounds like GP don’t realise (or refuse to realise?) that son /niece are in a type of “married” situation.