Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

[TheQuickHam]

Every year, the family have a week long get together. My parents pay for the house rental.

It's me, dh, dd (31), ds (24), parents (late 80s), my brother and his wife, and my niece (27). We rent a 5 bed house, which means dd and niece share a room with two singles.

DS gets his own (double) room. He wants to bring his girlfriend who he has been with for 5 years and lives with.

My niece wants to bring her girlfriend who she owns a flat with and has been with for 6 years.

As it stands, there would be room for DS' girlfriend, but not for my niece's girlfriend.

I suggested that we get a bigger house so that partners can join the holiday so that the family tradition can evolve and continue. This would mean renting a bigger place, and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

My parents are point blank refusing because they don't feel 'comfortable' sharing their holiday with partners. Dbro suspects they have an issue with niece having a girlfriend.

AIBU to think adult partners should be 'allowed' on a family holiday?

I think this reflects a very unhealthy family dynamic, which is increasingly prevalent on MN, that people in their 20s and even early 30s aren’t considered by posters to be “proper” adults.

And to those posters saying about “just” a partner, I know people who have lived together for decades without being married or having children. How is that less of a commitment to each other than someone who gets married after a year or so?

I’m amazed the grandchildren continued to go once they were living with partners. A week is a lot of holiday allowance to use.

A week is a long time to expect someone to use annual leave to go away without their long term partner. I’d find it weird as a gc and would be put off going. If any of the gc have dc of their own then the no partners rule isn’t going to fly.
I can understand the gps just wanting to holiday with people they know well - presumably they have known their own dcs partners for 30+ years. Has there been much effort on either side to establish a relationship between the gcs dps and the gps? I don’t think the gps are that unreasonable if they feel they don’t really know the partners but a week is a long time for an adult to go away with other people.
It is important to spend time with family/friends on their own sometimes. My dsis has been married for 30 years and I like her dh a lot but I wouldn’t want him there every time I saw her. I wouldn’t necessarily expect her to come on a week long holiday with me though.

Its not the same...
They'll have known him for 30 or 40 odd years vs a 20 something yr old they met 4 or 5 times

My DM is 70 she def wouldn't want "strangers" / outsiders seeing her in "a state of dishevellment" at breakfast.

Yes partners should definitely be able to join (especially seeing as they are long term partners at this point). Obviously yes, that means splitting the extra cost, but you said everyone is happy to do that.
I expect these family trips will soon come to an end if they disagree.

Maybe the grandparents should make more effort to get to know the long term partners so they aren't strangers (although after 5+ years if they still considered them strangers I'd be disappointed)...a good place to start would be spending more time together perhaps on a holiday. 😉

I think your parents are teetering on FAFO.....and once such a tradition breaks then that's that.. but their choice.

What if you all pay the costs between yourselves including covering the grandparents cost?

The issue is that they might be offended about being overtaken. But realistically, it’s normal that the younger adults also want to bring their partners along.

I’m surprised it’s still going to be honest.

most early twenties people have limited leave and wouldn’t spend it on this sort of holiday.

we did this sort of thing with both pils and my parents but it does naturally come to an end.

my kids don’t have the time off any more and so don’t get involved.

I agree with those who think this is a “But they’re not married!” thing. And if your parents are going to insist on being rigid about this, they may find the trip doesn’t happen. You can’t expect things to stay the same forever. It’s all very well to say “They’re paying so they choose”, but they have to consider the possibility that their grandchildren may also make a choice. They’re not teenagers who can’t be left alone anymore.

They’re old, may not have many years left

And this will almost certainly be trotted out, along with the violins, if the grandchildren turn down the invitation. But they shouldn’t give in to the emotional blackmail.

I would go this year without any partners as it must have been booked for a while, but have the conversation that as kids are now older and want to start bringing partners the format won't work next year so either a) this will be the last one b) it's just you and your parents without any kids next year or c) You and your partner tak on the role of finding and paying for the house then you get to invite who you like and the gp's can choose to come or not. I would go with c.

The GPs are paying so they do get the final say on the size of house rented/

But what I would say is that it would be incredibly unfair if one grandchild (DS) can bring a partner and the others can’t.

Tbh I’d have moved to a six bed anyway once the kinds of passed about 20, because it’s not really fair for the two older grandchildren to share whilst the younger of the three gets his own room. I get that he can’t share with either of the others but still creates a bit of a “two tier” situation.

Do your children and neices partners generally get made to feel like part of the family? Is everyone close?

I just wonder this as, in my family, my dad is an only child and my mum is one of four but she’s the only one out of her siblings who had children- me and my brother (36 and 38). My brother is single, I’m the only one of this generation with a partner. And my partner is hugely part of the family. We’ve been together a few years, own a house together etc. He attends every Sunday roast and summer BBQ with my family (which includes my grandparents/aunts/uncles etc). He has been made very welcome and made to feel like one of us. I’m the same with his family, go to all their parties etc etc. So if my family (I’m thinking me, my brother, my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents) went on holiday and my boyfriend wasn’t invited it would just be the most bizzare thing ever as he just is so welcome generally in our family.

So just curious what the set up is like with yours, do the grandparent see much of your children and neices partners? Or are they like strangers to them? Either way I think it’s really off that they haven’t been invited, especially as children are offering to chip in and pay for it. It’s a shame your parents don’t want to welcome this new generation into the family. What will happen when/if they get married and have children of their own? Will they still be excluded then?

Tbf I think the mid-late 20s kids should be doing most of the running on this rather than the late 80s gps. Ds takes his gf with him sometimes when he visits his 82yo granny - he doesn’t sit like a pudding waiting for her to spontaneously turn up at his flat and then expect a weeks holiday invitation.

Do you need your parents to pay or could you front it all between you?

The GPs can refuse if they like but I hope they’re going to be okay with it when their grandchildren decide not to go. As an adult with a long term partner I wouldn’t be using a weeks worth of my annual leave to go away without them.

Do the GP know the partners well? If they've only met them once or twice I can see their pov as it's like holidaying with strangers.

The only thing I've noticed since dcs' partners have joined us is the fracturing of the days, less time spent together as a whole, more time spent in groups or twos. Maybe the gp don't want this to happen yet.

Partners should be included. OP, if their partners are not included, I think this annual weak long holiday has come to its natural end. Maybe reduce this type of a break to a long weekend if you really want this tradition to continue, which means less annual leave is required. But as kids grow up, traditions evolve.

I have three adult children, two of whom are in long term relationships, any type of break their partners are invited (although its never annual).

What a lovely tradition! How about DC and partners find a nearby place to stay?

think the first few posts covered it. People paying can place restrictions on who can attend, but guests can refuse to come if they don't want to go away without partners.

If it was just one or two nights that might be different and could maybe justify the kids doing something 'just the family' to keep up the tradition but the kids are older, how long do the grandparents think they'll be "the kids" without families of their own, so when is the cut off line?

Tbh I'm surprised your DD and DN are still happy to share a room for a whole week!

Well that's just how it is with adults. Merging everyone together and planning in some activities together is what actually helps with this. Bigger groups can be lovely if everyone is flexible, but right now it's only the GPs who are refusing to be flexible.

OP - maybe a decent compromise would be booking 2 or 3 smaller properties in the same grounds. GPs then get personal space from the younger couples, while everyone gets lots of time together. You can search on some sites, e.g.
www.countrycottagesonline.com/two-adjoining-cottages.htm.

If the GP are the ones funding the majority then they do get final say. I’d suggest instead that everyone clubs together, split the entire cost between everyone equally, then everybody gets an equal say.

Agree though that if these partners are strangers to GP I can understand them not wanting to spend a week together. How often do they see the partners usually, to build that relationship? How often do DS/DD take partners round etc?

Being brutally honest, don't you think it's time this "tradition" died a death, especially now the kids are fully formed adults with partners of their own. It all seems a bit over the top and like forced fun. I mean, where does it end? If the grandparents are paying then (rightly or wrongly) they call the shots and if partners are excluded it's hardly going to be the "let's all play happy families" thing that it's supposed to be. Personally at that age and with a partner I wouldn't particularly want to be involved anyway.

I'm amazed your adult dd, ds and niece still go along with this every year - whether partners are invited or not!

The adults are saying they will pay