Family Holiday - AIBU to think adult partners should be included?

[TheQuickHam]

Every year, the family have a week long get together. My parents pay for the house rental.

It's me, dh, dd (31), ds (24), parents (late 80s), my brother and his wife, and my niece (27). We rent a 5 bed house, which means dd and niece share a room with two singles.

DS gets his own (double) room. He wants to bring his girlfriend who he has been with for 5 years and lives with.

My niece wants to bring her girlfriend who she owns a flat with and has been with for 6 years.

As it stands, there would be room for DS' girlfriend, but not for my niece's girlfriend.

I suggested that we get a bigger house so that partners can join the holiday so that the family tradition can evolve and continue. This would mean renting a bigger place, and all of the adult 'children' are happy to chip in to the cost of a bigger and nicer house.

My parents are point blank refusing because they don't feel 'comfortable' sharing their holiday with partners. Dbro suspects they have an issue with niece having a girlfriend.

AIBU to think adult partners should be 'allowed' on a family holiday?

What if the dgc get married or have kids would they still have to go solo. I wouldn’t go if my partner wasn’t invited and I wouldn’t go if I thought my dd was being treated differently due to her choice of partner.

Either you include the whole family as it grows or you lose the family you had. I wouldn't go on holidays without my partner. What happens when the grandkids have their own kids?

You have to accept children growing up and starting their own families. They may be "the kids" to your parents but they are full grown adults with their own families and need treating as such.

If that's the case how come OPs DH is invited then?

I don't think the partners have to be invited and anyone is free not to go if that's not okay. Why can't they have a holiday without their partners? I can see at 80 they'd think only spouses should be invited and I'd also be wary of saying partners can come as presumably that could end up including more short term partners IYSWIM eg if your DD started seeing someone and thought it fair to bring him, I can see why the grandparents wouldn't want to open it up that way.

I’m already astounded that they are going on this kind of holiday without their partners of 5+ years.

Dbro suspects they have an issue with niece having a girlfriend

He needs to ask them outright if this is the case.
If it's true, in your DBro and SIL's shoes I would be refusing to go in solidarity with my DD and her DP of 6 years. As a matter of fact, I'd do the same in your shoes, to support my DN. I have a gay nephew and I wouldn't enjoy a family holiday knowing his long-term partner had been excluded.

You will get a lot of posters telling you that because GP's are footing the bill they are entitled to impose any rules and conditions they please. Personally, if their 'generosity' comes with so many strings I wouldn't want it. I certainly wouldn't turn a blind eye to homophobia for the sake of a free week away.

I can see both points of view.

For the grandparents, they’re paying a lot of money for a family holiday, which is a tradition they want to continue. They’re old, may not have many years left, and want this one week with their children and grandchildren. Having grandchildrens’ partners there will change the dynamic, making it more of a “group” holiday than a “family” one.

On the other hand, the grandchildren are adults, not kids. They have partners who they love, and presumably have limited annual leave from work, so want to spend their leisure time with their partners. They probably feel that their partners should be included in the same way that their grandparents’ DIL and SIL have been.

It’s difficult. I think on balance, whilst I understand the grandkids wanting their partners there, I’d be asking them to go along with their grandparents’ wishes. It’s only one week a year, and realistically will probably only happen a handful more times.

I'd cut the grandparents' decision-making out of this. "We've loved this tradition and plan to keep it up. With that in mind, we are now taking over booking and paying so that we bring along the next generation and hopefully the generation after them. This is the place DB and I are booking for this year, we thought you'd like this room downstairs so you have access to the terrace, but if you prefer the annexe let us know. Hope you can come xxx"

Your DH is a partner, when did he start going? Is this "no ring no bring"?

Personally I think such longterm partners should be invited but I can see why GPs like the tradition as it stands. But GC can decline of course.

I wouldn't assume homophobia, just not being arsed to get to know new people

If my GP's couldn't be arsed to get to know my partner of 5+ years I'd find that pretty hurtful tbh.

They are family, they are the son and daughter in law. They've had a relationship with the couple in their 80s for decades.

I expect if the grandchildren were married their spouses would be invited. Some people (particularly of that generation) don't see living together as a serious and committed relationship.

I also think the grandchildren should vote with their feet and either not go (presuming they don’t want to go without partners) or maybe club together for a nearby property that suits them and stay separately.

😅😅😅

No what i mean is as the GP i can see why they wouldn't want them there and as the GC i can see why they wouldn't want to go...

Oof. That's not a great way to treat people. You can't just take it over.

Exactly this.

Your parents/their grandparents can insist no partners, but they can't insist the adult children spend a week of their annual leave going on holiday without their partners.

What did they think would happen if one of the adult grandkids had their own children? Still no partners?

If the grandparents are paying, then you are their guests so are in their hands regarding invitations. People in their 80s tend not to be too keen on changes to the usual family plans. Maybe time for the adult children to take over he paying and arranging. Then the grandparents are your guests. It could be the girlfriend if they are typical of their generation. If things are serious though they are going to have to accept sooner or later that how others live is not their business. Doesn't mean they have to invite though if they are personally uncomfortable but if they keep up open disapproval they are in danger of losing their granddaughter.
It could be the extra cost. Maybe they don't want feel able to pay more but don't want others to take the finance over.

I see so many posts on here about issues with "family holidays" that I wonder why anyone does it, but each to their own.....

Of course partners should be included, but maybe this is the moment for the younger generation to go off and do their own thing? Do they actually enjoy the family holiday, or do they just go because they think they should?

It’s just a partner though. No marriage or kids

To be late 80s, they were born in late 1930s. Our parents are younger, but grandparents were older and this "not if you aren't married" attitude fell by the wayside by the 1980s at least for the majority of families. Remember you're talking about a couple who were young adults spending their 20s years living through the 1960s! While this particular couple are not inclusive, it really isn't a generational thing to put down to their age.

Just a partner seems really dismissive. Some people never marry their partners or have kids it doesn't mean it's not a serious relationship.

So? You don't have to get married or have kids to consider yourself partners. Or indeed a family in its own right. They've been together a long time.

Are the DGP very traditional Op as in being happy to have married partners but not unmarried ones? Either way at 20s and 30s I'm surprized their DGC still want to do family holidays, most couples I know would rather pay and go away as a couple or with friends

They’re not 16 year olds asking to bring along their new girlfriend/boyfriend of three weeks. They’re grown adults in serious committed relationships. If I were them I would just be saying no thank you to the trip if the Grandparents were continuing to treat me like a child and disregarding my partner.

They live with them and have done for over 5 years!

Do significant relationships not count without a ring and baby?

Im staggered they’ve made it this far and would be turning down the offer

Sorry it’s your parents choice. Just as it’s the grand children’s choice not to go which is what I would be doing. Alternatively could those who want partners to go rent somewhere smaller nearby and meet up with you all?