Was this comment by the waiter a bit off?

[doriiii]

This is something that happened a couple of weeks ago but not sure if I'm being overly sensitive.

Went to meet a few friends for some food in a nice pub. I arrived a bit later due to work hours. When I arrived I asked the waiter where they were sat and he walked me over. I asked if they accepted blue light cards, and he said 'only if you say pretty please'.

It really grossed me out, and I knew he wouldn't have said it to my male friends.

I didn't say anything but did kind of laugh when I said 'right ok'.

AIBU to think it's just a bit of a gross comment?

Best response
Look at him earnestly and ask 'how does one say that?'....he says it, Job done.😄

Worst response.
Look mate, I am on a really heavy period and flooding at the moment, stop arsing around and show me to the table now.😒

Dickhead response.
Tell the manager I want to see him. 🙄

I am genuinely becoming more and more astounded at the things people get upset about.

Good grief. Why is everyone so desperate to be offended? It’s a well known, often used saying for men and women alike. The waiter was probably just trying to brighten up a long boring shift. You turned up late, expected him to know who you were meeting and asked for a discount. You’re lucky he was as happy and jolly as he was.

Maybe - just like you - he spent time thinking of all the wittier things he could have said. Sometimes we just don't nail it with exactly the right words because we are human.

Maybe, on the other hand, he didn't, because he says it to every tenth customer, irrespective of gender and it's just his way of speaking. I agree with you that it isn't a phrase I'd use - but I can see it as designed to be light-hearted as easily as I can see it as pointedly misogynistic.

You can't really know if it was some kind of power play on his part op and I think I'd talk yourself down from your outrage on this one by asking "Did he give me the card?" You got what you needed. He might just as easily have felt (in his own insecurity/desire to look for opportunity to take umbrage) that you were treating him in a lofty manner as he "served" you.

I agree with pp saying its about control or power - but I actually think its less on his part, and more on the part of those wanting to feel it would be a good idea to have pulled him up on his phrasing.

There are of course comments that are genuinely offensive but I think as a society we are in fact managing to tackle the genuinely offensive comments. There is a risk of going so far that we police every interaction.

How far are we from pre-approved scripts for every interaction?

There has to be a bit of space for people to just "not be our type" in terms of the way they speak/banter/use language. You put in your op that you asked where your friends "were sat"; I prefer " were sitting" but it would never occur to me to think I could scratch that from your self-expression because we are still allowed to be ourselves to some degree - surely? Is pretty please really so inherently offensive?

Maybe I've been working in a feminist organisation too long

I assumed you were working in the NHS @doriiii

I don't think he would have said it to a man. It wouldn't have bothered me much personally but it does seem to have bothered the OP and has probably stayed with her because she did nothing to challenge it while she was in the pub. She said she will in future.

If you don’t make sexist comments you’ll never be pulled aside. Problem solved.

I really don't think you are being OTT.

It's the sort of thing you'd say to a child.

A man saying this to another man would be far less likely to happen and most certainly would never happen in a "service" setting.

It was inappropriate for someone in a professional setting to speak to you or any customer like that.

I would have felt exactly the same.

I'm glad you said that. I don't remember you saying that either.

This isn't a matter of being "grown up" or not.

If anything people seem to get more easily offended the older they get. It's not a measure of immaturity.

I agree with your other comments but I think you just tacked the "grow up" on the end because it's a bloody cliché on here.

There are many many things that you will find offensive that others don’t, and there will be many many things that others will find offensive that you don’t.

Who gets to decide, out of curiosity? Or shall we just live in an awkward superficial society where all conversation is business appropriate only? And every time someone says something other than absolute fact (but not all facts because some are offensive) someone else gets to humiliate them for it?

Read above comment. That’s a very black and white way of looking at something in a very grey world

I think OP's on the 100th thought by now!

Ok , a grammatical error is no different from everyday sexism. Yes, it was low level, the words aren't inherently offensive but it's still sexism.

No wonder sexism is alive and well given the number of aplogists for it on here.

Jeez that somebody saying a silly throwaway comment becomes, in your eyes, 'controlling' and 'creepy' and about needing to 'trust your instincts' about people. Total over-reaction to a non-event.

This particular sub-debate is starting to look like a game of ping-pong

It's the sort of thing you'd say to a child.

Several posters appear unable to distinguish between a situation involving family members or close friends and the situation here.

What is a blue light card?

Well you've called it an "error" but is it, really? Or is it just a style of speaking?

I don't like sexism, I don't like racism, I don't like meanness or unfairness in general, but I do think we have to leave space for people to not feel afraid of opening their mouths. That's a whole other societal problem.

Exactly,

Or we just get scripts handed out with a few variations that have been pre-vetted.

What an absolute non-event. Aren’t there more important things to concentrate on in life than dissecting the motivations and intentions behind inconsequential things like this? Move on, forget about it, it’s ridiculous to give this a moment’s thought.

The hyperbolic reactions like this to objecting to the use of his idiotic, low level, sexist phrase are risible.

What if they asked you where the toilet was? 😀

I'm not sure it is risible.

There are plenty of things that were once acceptable to say that no longer are. A lot of this is an improvement, but all good things must come to an end.

Frankly, for me, "pretty please" is edging quite fast towards overkill territory.

The aim here is liberation: liberation from genuinely offensive or oppressive speech. But any pendulum that swings too far creates a different kind of problem.

Such desperation to find offence where none was intended 😂 Absolutely tragic.