Was the ‘race card’ pulled??

[Glittercloud17]

So just got back from vacation. At the airport, my daughter and I were queuing for passport control when a girl/teen pushed past in front of us. 5 seconds later I heard a lady say to me “excuse me, we just want to join our niece” pointing to the girl who’d pushed in. Without focusing too much attention on her or the family, but seeing an additional 3 people (another teen and two women) I said “sorry, but that girl just shoved in, so maybe it’s better she joins you instead” (meaning the 1 girl who’d pushed in should join her family behind my daughter and I, and not the whole family move in front of my daughter and I.

The lady said “oh, I don’t think she pushed in, darling” in a clearly sarcastic tone, but I didn’t reply as the girl/teen then walked back to join her aunt behind us.

Then I heard the woman say to the girl “you know exactly why she thinks she needs to be in front of us, this is another example”. At this stage I assume she meant I felt entitled to say this because they were a family of colour! So instead of pulling up the teen for pushing past us, the adult put the responsibility of this situation on me, insinuating I was bullying them for racially motivated reasons!!

It hadn’t even crossed my mind that they were black/white/asian whatever family! Only that a person had pushed past my daughter and I and the family felt they then had a right to go in front.

Comments continued among the adults in the family to the teens around how this was another example why the teenagers had to be more assertive “in this world” and that I, “the lady” was in the wrong.

I didn’t react, or say anything as I didn’t want to escalate something that clearly wasn’t there, and continued to look in front (not in their direction) or be accused of anything especially in an airport with a flight to catch! Later after passport control, I was standing talking to my daughter when the other adult (who I hadn’t looked at previously) violently pushed into my back as they walked past. I was very shocked by this (again I brushed this off).

People who have genuinely experienced racism - was I unreasonable, and were they justified to jump to this conclusion? I understand there’s a long, complex history around race, but I am not aware, at least on a conscious level, of discriminating against anyone like this??

If you truly care, and want to really understand what micro racism is like (aka the type of day to day racism where white people will often say - don’t be daft, that’s the race card) then check Black Mumsnetters @Glittercloud17
You’ll hear from people who have actually experienced racism instead of people who think that because they believe there’s no racism that it’s true. These threads highlight the type of racism in the U.K. that is seen, quiet and insidious but still very much alive and kicking.

I usually hate this term and do think it's used by racists often. Not in this case though, what a shocking message they are sending to their children.

I think this is really unfair of you to say to the OP. Clearly the OP was not meaning to be offensive, however, this family were certainly being offensive towards the OP and her daughter whether it was race related or not.

@DangermooMy answer would have been, based on the limited information and OPs perspective only, then no, it was unlikely to be intentional racism on her part.

however, all of us can be unconsciously biased. Including myself. I’m sure there are times where I’ve been subconsciously biased to other minority groups and not understood or realised my impact. We are human. It’s likely, we are born to generalise and make assumptions. It’s when people deny it or flat out refuse to believe they are capable is when it becomes frustrating!

Then what were this girl and her aunt talking about?

Why did they think they deserved to be further ahead in the queue and were only stopped from doing so because…..,

Christ, this gets worse. So now if we robustly explain the circumstances of why a POC may have received a punishment, a reprimand, a negative response, that is entirely objectively related to the circumstances we are protesting too much, defensive and therefore actually racist?

Again two things can be true...yes racism is real, exists, in micro, unconscious and overt ways. But it is also true that sometimes people "read" racism as a motive when it is simply not there, either deliberately, to cause trouble as in the case of my classroom incident or unconsciously, through perhaps understandable frustration at having encountered it often. Accusing people of unconscious bias with absolutely no proof or motive is frankly, no better than racism itself. It's also impossible to defend..since noone can actually mind read, I can't prove no unconscious bias and it can be put forward without challenge because if I DO challenge it I am apparently protesting too much and being defensive.

It’s actually not. I called a white female colleague out on it at work last year, who would always loudly make comments about me being late occasionally, despite them not being my boss and it having no impact on them.

Normally I would just ignore it but that morning I decided to push back if she made the same comments. I came in slightly late and she said something like “look who’s decided to show up”. I told her she doesn’t say that to anyone else, and she wouldn’t have said it if I was white and a man - she would do the polite British thing of ignoring it/ gossiping about it behind my back. She got really offended and denied there was any race factor involved, just like you have. I reminded her that our white male colleague who is frequently late still hadn’t come in, and that I hoped she would keep the same energy when he arrived.

Lo and behold, 10 minutes later our while male colleague comes in. I look at my colleague, she looks at me, goes red but says absolutely nothing to the late white man. She apologised to me profusely after that and said she would think more about how race biases influences her conduct in subtle ways she had never even thought of. True to her word, she has not made those type of comments to me since.

I was way too bleary eyed and tired to be doing that. Plus I was on my own with my young daughter. They were four people united and not afraid to push race into it (my assumption). So I was afraid to be accused of racism and I just wanted to get my daughter and I home safe.

Unless I've missed it - and if OP's assessment was correct - I'm surprised nobody's said what a shame it is for the children concerned to be encouraged to think in these terms, when examining their own poor behaviour might bring better results

Unfortunately, whatever we call it, there'll always be people who attempt to deflect from their own actions by flinging accusations in the hope something sticks; I've had it myself when someone didn't get a job, the irony being that because of the area/demographic I recruited in the successful candidate would be of the same race 80% of the time

FWIW I think you handled it well and with restraint OP; pity they weren't able to do the same, but that's a lesson they'll need to learn if they wantg to succeed

The problem with ‘race card’, is it’s then used for incidences where there has been genuine racism which is then dismissed. It implies it’s a regular occurrence and people are making up incidents of racism often, which is obviously not the case.

To link with other current events, there has been lots of hideous unacceptable antisemitism which needs calling out, esp as it’s rising. There have been some false accusations of antisemitism too. I could never accuse someone of playing the ‘antisemitism card’. It sounds so dismissive and unpleasant; I hated even typing it.

There is something very dismissive having about calling something a ‘card’. I don’t think there should be a trite reductive phrase really for these kinds of major issues.

Pushing into queues and being called out for it is not race related! I have lots of sympathy when unconscious bias may affect people of different races and backgrounds, it also can go both ways but in the 21st century it’s not an excuse for anti social behaviour which queues jumping includes! The sins of the past which our forevearers committed is no excuse today for preferential treatment either, especially in queues nor is cultural differences

You did the right thing. I would not get into any physical altercation, esp with my kids around. They could have attacked back. Staying calm was the right thing. They sound awful for pushing you.

WTF.

Although probably shouldn't acronyms around that litigant lest she thinks it's an attempt to jump her bones.

Then I heard the woman say to the girl “you know exactly why she thinks she needs to be in front of us, this is another example”. At this stage I assume she meant I felt entitled to say this because they were a family of colour!

She could have meant many things. I’m not sure why you assumed it was due to race? It’s rude to push in regardless.

Thanks for your response. There is no issue of racism on behalf of the OP, IF she has not said or done nothing to suggest racism has shown its face. Why should rudeness of the other family become the secondary factor, when it's the source of the dispute? It matters not, what race either party are, in this situation. Indeed, in many other altercations, some of which, posters have shared. Maybe if these attempts at minimising certain situations ceased, the offensive term would also cease.

You are 💯 wrong to assume it was a racially motivated decision to pull the teenager up on the queue jumping. I am young enough to be raised in a mixed community who doesn’t care what ethnicity one is, and old enough to remember the racism that I and my family experienced in early childhood (I am not white British).

sometimes opinions and comments are expressed blindly without predetermined thoughts based on skin - if you’re a person of colour or even white, or whatever, you have to know this and believe it. Not everyone is racist!

Why do you need a term to put in its place? The whole construct of the ideology behind “race card” is based on racist stereotypes and systems of racial oppression and silencing.

There’s no equivalent term related to sexism, misogyny, homophobia- so why are you so insistent on a replacement term for this when it comes to race and racism?

You've been accused of racism "a few times"? In that case I'd say it's also down to you to reflect on your own words or behaviour. Many people manage to go through life without ever being accused of being racist. If you've been accused of racism multiple times then is it not possible that you have unconsciously said or done something offensive?

Refraining from talking about "that damn race card" would probably be a good start.

They sound vile and they sound the racist ones judging you for your colour. They really sound like they have no respect or manners. It’s happened to me before and I spoke up as like you their colour didn’t even register with me. they called me racist outright and I wasn’t accepting it as I hadn’t said a word to them

what would you assume she meant given all the info we have?

@BigOldBlobsy

But that still isn’t what I believe the OP was asking. It’s specifically about whether someone was using a racism accusation as a way of excusing bad behaviour.

Yes I recognise “playing the race card” can sometimes be misused, but so can the word “racist” as I’d argue is evident from this thread! If I was the type to be offended, I could have been offended by the casual accusations of racism applied on this thread. Does that mean we should ban the word “racist”? Of course not!

If we banned every word that was ever misused or applied with bad intent, we wouldn’t have an English language left!

Why should rudeness of the other family become the secondary factor, when it's the source of the dispute?

Because it's a way of drawing attention away from the fact that a preferred group may have behaved inappropriately, @Dangermoo?

Interesting, too, that so many are telling OP she was wrong to assume what the parent's comment meant - even to the point of suggestions she's racist herself - when similar assumptions by those of colour are often accepted without question

And in the rush to hurl accusations, I wonder how many will pick up on OP's comment that she's not white British either ...

The poor girl can now see what twunts her adult family are too. Hopefully she learns from that and becomes a better person for it.

👏 👏

You won't win with those looking to be permanently offended by everything they see or hear. Instead of poor manners they are happier condemning the OP who did the right thing in all of this.