For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

@Emma6cat · Today 16:07

I can never understand my money, your money notion. Maybe I am old fashioned but if you are a partnership and in love surely you do your best for your partner and work as a team. My DH earns more than me, but we just put our wages together and pay everything out of that pot. Money is the root of all evil as the saying goes. I guess because my parents always said that they would never argue about money I hold the same values.

This. ^ The my money/your money mindset is very odd IMO, unless you are a couple who are just dating. Once you live together, and especially if you're engaged or married (and especially if you have children) the money should be pooled.

I know 4 couples who have been together 15-20 years or more, have a house together (mortgaged.) 2 of the couples have school age DC, and they don't pool anything. The man is the bigger earner in every couple, and spends money on crap/luxuries/hobbies etc and has much more surplus income, whilst SHE struggles to make ends meet. No sharing, no caring, he just says just 'well you go out and earn more money then if you want as much surplus income as me.' The woman even has to pay for childcare out of her meagre income!

Not the kind of relationship I would want to be stuck in. Also, this kind of man only believes in equality when it suits him. Thinks women should pay half of everything, but doesn't think he should do half the childcare or housework and domestic chores. Funny that. This kind of man is usually crap in bed too.

he is piling up groceries he wants and insisting she pays half. Insisting on a lifestyle she can’t afford.

I still can't get my head round taking on a new mortgage where you commit to bills of 1500pm (total 3k) and then actively making yourself unable to pay. Using savings to cover the shortfall was never long term and if the partner said no to subs then why go ahead before sorting out the finances. What was the plan? How did the property not go on the market immediately? Are you both in your 20s or is your partner older? Is there any equity in the property or will it just be lost in fees when it inevitably gets sold? The holidays and meals out are a bit of a red herring as the main stretch is your shared flat.

If your respective shares of the property are 55/45, I take it you're paying 45% of the monthly mortgage payment?

Keep your pension!

@AnyPomegranate you answered a lot of questions but not the one about planning children. If you do plan to have children with this man you seriously need him to change his attitude.

Likewise if you are seriously going to marry him.

Those who are saying OP is responsible for taking a pay cut without agreement from her so called partner, remember that they were both earning 50K when they got together. Now he earns 90K and wants to spend more. So how come OP needs agreement from him for a career change and pay cut but he doesn't need any agreement for choosing to spend more? He is unilaterally choosing to spend more and imposing his lifestyle on her.

I think they should just split. There's no way I would marry someone knowing they are pushing me towards bankruptcy.

That only works though if as you say "you do your best for your partner" and "you work as a team". When one person feels they are working hard for the family (whether that be in a job or at home) but the other isn't then it doesn't work.

If your husband who earns more than you suddenly decided that he were to stop work, and despite you being unsure cracked on regardless. And then as a solution suggested that you sell your home and move to a different area would you be quite so understanding?

Two cliched sayings have come to my mind - 1. Come live with me to know me, and 2. When money walks out the door, love flies out the window. It sounds as though you are just not compatible - I haven't seen the word "love" anywhere, so it might be best to call it a day now.

Hmm two things stand out to me: 1. He had already decided he was paying about £200 more than you (which turned out not to be the case and was only £20) and 2. Although he agreed to a different split you feel it would cause too much resentment long term to accept (point 1 would suggest you are right about that).

This I feel does point to a certain lack of trust and teamwork on both sides. I would honestly suggest counselling if you plan to get married (I know - another expense but divorce can be expensive also). I do have sympathy for both of you - he paired up with a fellow high earner and just as things were taking off you reduced your earnings and you presumably thought you would like law and did not (completely understandable - you don’t know until you try and good move to get out).

OP- you were working insanely hours, no work life balance?
And you made a move to improve your quality of life; your income is now lower, but it is a temporary situation as you have the potential to earn more, is that right?

I'd be thinking very carefully about marrying someone who cared so little about your quality of life, and didn't see the big picture.
Did he not care about the crazy hours you were working? Or was he annoyed that his fiancé was no longer a lawyer at a top firm?

In every long term relationship there are periods when one partner carries the other- whether it is financially, emotionally or otherwise. You clearly are a hard worker and have ambitions. Does he recognise this, or just see the current bottom line?

If you did indeed marry him, there would likely be times when fortunes were reversed and you earned more. It seems like the trick is to treat each other like a partner- with love, kindness and respect.

Is he treating you with love, kindness and respect?

You should be paying 5% less of the mortgage than him due to your equity split.
Do you eat as much as him? Usually women eat a lot less, Id be calculating that carefully. Look for all the other ways to penny pinch with this prince as that is your life now. Make sure you charge him for any pregnancy labour in the future.
Or you could just move on and find a decent human to marry....

Why should he though? The OP decided the quit her job and take home less money.

Because they are supposed to be two people who want to share a life together, a partnership, supportive. This man is currently not showing any of these things.

But she made the decision without his support and now he is under pressure as the main breadwinner. Support goes both ways. I don’t think they have the same attitude to money so will prove problematic.

may This kind of love never find me!!! I’d be gone if he can’t understand.

He’s not being reasonable and he doesn’t see you as a team, and stop going on holidays and eating out if you can’t afford them
he can go by himself.
You’re whole set up is very tailored to what he’d like and what he wants… I think you could do better tbh

Because OP was earning a six figure salary (significantly higher than his) before the pay cut and, during that time,:

1. Did not pay more than 50/50 despite earning far more than him
2. Actively participated in their expensive lifestyle.

She didn't go from £50,000 to £35,000. She went from £150,000-£200,000 down to £35,000.

Regardless, take home salary from £50,000 three years ago would be about £34,000. Take home from a £90,000 salary now is just under £56,000 (assuming a student loan and 5% tax contribution). OP's take home now will be around £27,000.

£34,000 in 2022 would be worth about £39,000 now (according to the Bank of England inflation checker). So their combined take home salary when they bought the house is equivalent to £78,000 and their combined take home salary now is about £83,000.

I'd be annoyed if I had almost doubled my salary and had to maintain exactly the same lifestyle as I previously had because my girlfriend, with whom I have no children, quit her job (after I said I didn't agree with her quitting and wasn't prepared to have both of us relying on me financially).

Lots of posters here are missing the fact that OP was working insanely long hours and becoming ill over it, whereas his job is a normal 9-5.

Of course he should have agreed to help support her to leave a job that was making her ill.

How is OP showing those things?

When she earned the same as him, she paid 50/50. When she earned more than him, she paid 50/50. They do 50/50 around the house. They split everything workload in the home 50/50 and always have. She wanted to earn less, he said he didn't want to have to pay more than his 50% share. She knew that was his stance, she quit anyway. He then, silently, did start to cover more even though he didn't want to.

She now said she wants him to pay even more.

How has OP shown that she wants to share a life together, in a partnership and be supportive? It's all take, take, take... OP has never given more than 50%, even when she had more than him. But she expects more than 50% when he has more than her.

And you're missing that there are a dozen jobs OP could've done that paid six figures, or close to it, with much shorter hours.

On the one hand, I’m the higher earner and I like flashy things, but what’s the point of flashy things without sharing them. So if I want to do/eat something then I’m paying, I’m not insisting we do it and DH pay for part of it. Your fiance should do the same and if he’s always going to be a high earner he might as well get used to that.

But on the other… if DH took a £35k job there would be a lifestyle impact. I’d support him obviously, but I’d feel a bit sad about the reduction in my shoe budget.

Whar exactly is the progression route in your new job? Is your fiance headed for an even bigger salary or is he likely to top out around where he is? It’s about future really- your household budget as it is now is fine, but it’s not going to be luxurious in London. Are you both OK with that? If not then how long is it for? Is he perhaps worried that you’ll decide working at all is too much and he doesn’t want to be sole earner?

He is hardly under pressure when his income is 90K and as the OP pointed out their total income is now higher than when they first got their mortgage. It is now 125K rather than 100K. No disrespect, but are you a man?

Did you see the hours she was working? She had no work life balance. He, on the other hand...

And you're missing her explanation of how she looked into some of these jobs, and what the outcome was.