For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Nowhere is any of this said by either her or him. You are extrapolating and embellishing and you are hostile to the OP and strangely sympathetic to the selfish fiancé.

1. "She wanted to earn less" that is factually incorrect. She wanted to leave a career which was exacting a toll on her mental and physical health. At no point does she say "I wanted to earn less", that was not her motivation. She knew that she would have to accept an intially lower salary but she was motivated by the realisation that not only did she hate her job but it was having a deleterious affect on her well-being.

2."He said he didn't want to have to pay more than his 50% share" Untrue, where does he say that. You are inventing this.

3."She knew that was his stance, she quit anyway. He then, silently, did start to cover more even though he didn't want to." This is fantasy. What was the stance that she knew about? She only says he was not very supportive.

4"He then, silently, did start to cover more even though he didn't want to". Wrong again, in fact the fiancé was only paying about £20 than he had before, hardly signficant as he was then earning well over twice what she was earning.

"Silently" This is pure inference on your part. He was very far from silent and loudly insisted on adding luxury items to their shared food shop. If you read what was actually stated, he moaned about her concerns to keep the cost of their shopping within what she could afford, and knowing she was struggling financially insisted on adding expensive items to their shopping on the grounds that he did not want to penny-pinch but he was totally happy for her to subsidise wildly expensive food shopping because he felt that he deserved to buy whatever he wanted.
I do not blame him for this. He should have the high end items he wanted but he should pay for them himself. Why should she have to subsidise his luxuries when she neither wanted nor could afford them?
He was pushing her to pay for needlessly expensive food that he should have paid for with his own money if it was so important to him.

OP "thinks" the house share split is 45/55, "thinks" the loan from her mum for the wedding is open-ended, partner "thinks" he's paying £200 a month more when he's not. High flyers that can't keep on top of basic housekeeping budget and equity share, whilst both worrying they've got less disposable income... sounds like the worst combo of neither a full on we're a team team love of life relationship, nor an efficient admin co-residency and certainly not an open communication friendship. Good luck and all that but you should get things sorted before blowing your mum's money on a wedding and you pay more than your share of the mortgage if you only have 45% in shares.

I would be reluctant to marry a man who wouldn't support me having a lower income for a couple years whilst I retain. It sounds like you're ambitious and you haven't just sacked off a well paid job without having a realistic career plan.

Either you’re a partnership or you’re not. You’re not roommates. He’s dictating everything. You should both share the mortgage and bills proportional to what you earn. But in your position I’d be rethinking the whole relationship

Presumably you were both on board with this arrangement. If your partner would drop his salary to half you would be very short of money as well. I don't think you would be happy if he would do that without taking you into consideration. That's where the problem lies, I can't believe how many people can't see that!

Are you sure you’re a qualified lawyer because you aren’t behaving like one!

My DH earns more than me but everything is family money and decisions shared 50/50 because we’re a partnership and we both want what’s best for the other person rather than putting ourselves first.

Your DP sounds innately selfish and unlikely to change.

Ask yourself this…..If you were sick and unable to work for several weeks/months, would your partner take care of you and pay all the bills without complaint?

You already know the answer but are you willing to act?

I would rather live in a less desirable location, less holidays and dinners out because my parnter reduced his salary if he was very stressed or had no work life balance. I care more about the wellbeing of my partner and his presence in my life than our lifestyle. He earned around 35K when we got together. I am horrified at the amount of people who'd chose a lifestyle over their partners wellbeing.

Are you the fiance? 🤔

The length you have gone plucking inflation figures and what not to defend a total stranger is unreal

Me too, and I agree with you, but again, you have to be on board and agree with it all. He did not agree to leave London nor to give up his life style so she should have either find another job that paid similarly or they have to break up as he was not prepared for the change. Is a lot to ask to someone you are not married with or have children with just because you want an easier life.

She made the choice for the good of her mental health. No decent partner would choose money over their partner's health.

I think you guys need to have a serious talk about what you want and expecting a relationship. He sounds like someone who will want you to pay for childcare out of you salary as “you” want to work. And have you paying 50/50 on maternity leave.

You cut your income to a level where you cannot meet your current outgoings and now you expect your partner to pick up the shortfall.
are you raising children? If so then totally justifiable.
if not then you need to cut your cloth to meet your current income or increase your income.
you seem to have different aspirations and I wonder if this raises an issue of compatiblity.

I’m sure someone has suggested this but I haven’t read every comment. One solution is to split mortgage and bills 50/50 and then split everything else according to income OR he pays for more expensive choices like steak in the food shop etc.

So he reviewed the figures and offered to adjust the amount like you wanted but you’ve turned that down

what was the point then?

spot on and so much more eloquent than what I wrote. If a boyfriend had done this everyone would be telling her to get rid

OP I think you're getting a rough ride on here. You're getting married to this guy but not acting as a team. You say he signed up for a particular lifestyle but that's not something to base a marriage on. Neither of you know what's round the corner and you need to pull together to cope with whatever life throws at you and that includes changing jobs for the sake of your mental health.

A couple I'm friends with have had to face life threatening health problems over the last few years which have meant one of them can't work. This stuff happens and if you can't work as a team to get through the bumps in the road you shouldn't be getting married.

OP has said that they are tenants in common on their property, with him having a 55% share and OP having a 45% share. Therefore, she should really only be contributing 45% of the mortgage payments which would probably save her the amount of money that she needs.

This isnt very nice is it. I used to earn a lot less than my DH and he paid more. Then we earned the same amount and we paid equal. My DH did not like his job and I was happy for him to change jobs and take a reduction in pay. Then I paid more to support him. He is now looking at a promotion and if he gets it he will pay more. This is what partners do, if you want each other to he happy. Him being able to "throw stuff in the trolly" is more important than you being happy in your job OP. Its not like you just quit working !

DH and I have a joint current account that both our salaries go into and that the mortgage and all household bills come out of. We both get an equal amount of 'fun' money that goes into our personal spending accounts each month. Our savings are all in joint accounts other than our ISAs, which we both have similar amounts saved into.

It makes no sense to me that one spouse (or partner in a long term commitment and joint mortgage) should be struggling financially to keep up with 50% of the mortgage/bills while the other has surplus spending money or savings. I view me and DH as a joint family unit with a joint standard of living, it is irrelevant to us who is earning more.

I don't think YABU to ask your partner to contribute more to the mortgage, especially as you have also said you would like to move somewhere cheaper. I think you both need a full re-think of your joint finances before you get married to be sure that you feel things are fair between you. Is your future DH going to allow equal access to 'his' money in the future if you go on maternity leave, or if you are made redundant, or if you have health issues and can't work? Good luck x

OP has said that they are tenants in common on their property, with him having a 55% share and OP having a 45% share. Therefore, she should really only be contributing 45% of the mortgage payments which would probably save her the amount of money that she needs.

This.

Are you paying 50% of the mortgage for a house that is only 45% yours, OP?

The OP has said she pays a small amount less per month for joint bills so the difference is probably the 55/45% split.

Not the point of the thread but £1480 per month for bills/mortgage doesn’t sound too bad on 35k per year .

Your relationship doesn't sound like a relationship at all, so I'm surprised you're actually getting married next year.

You're effectively flatmates, with one being expected to pay for 50% of things the other wants which are unaffordable. Does your partner understand that once you are married everything is shared and what is his will be yours too?

Whatever you do, please don't have kids with such a selfish person. You will struggle so much, and then eventually divorce him but by then he'll stay in your life forever if you have shared kids.

People seem to be a bit confused about how mortgages are calculated. The extra ownership rights cover her DP's extra money put in as a deposit; he owns that bit of the house with no mortgage. The mortgage only gets calculated on the money still owed; for OP to buy her share she needs to pay equal share.

Say it was a £500k home, DP pays deposit £50,000.
Mortgage: £450,000, now each person pays £225,000 of the mortgage or 50%.
DP pays £50,000 + foregoes investment revenue from £50,000 + £225,000 + interest on £225,000 = £275,000 + interest = 55%.
OP pays £0 + £225,000 (+ interest on £225,000) = £225,000 + interest = 45%.

DP saves paying off the £50k and interest on it, because he's ALREADY given up the money and the ability to invest it in paying that share.

I don't know how she is getting a rough ride, we provide different perspectives that's all this is what a forum is for.