Backlash after DP proposed on pre-Wedding holiday

[Westendgoer]

I got engaged last month - DP proposed whilst we were on holiday prior to my friends Wedding. The holiday was in the same resort, but we went over a week before the wedding date as it was somewhere we’d always wanted to visit so made sense to combine the two.

I have had comments made by a couple of friends - not the bride - that this was a bit out of order and could have over shadowed the Wedding. I haven’t relayed to my DP, I don’t want it to taint the experience and personally I don’t see the issue with him proposing in the circumstances.

Do you agree with me that my friends have overreacted?

I think I’d rather tell a proposal story about my DH asking me over the washing up than tell people “so we were on holiday in Rome to attend a friends wedding… and it was a few days before their wedding…“

If I turned up on holiday to watch and celebrate a friend getting married, and on arrival, a mutual friend was there announcing to our group of friends that she’s just got engaged and showing off a picture, I’d of course congratulate her, whilst inwardly cringing at them gegging in on someone else’s celebrations, and thinking she and her fiancé were utterly crass. I wouldn’t say anything to her though.

The OP can guarantee that the friends that had words with her about it definitely weren’t the only ones thinking it, others are just too polite to say.

Nothing wrong with using a trip to a nice destination as the scene of a proposal, especially if you wouldn't normally go anywhere that nice, BUT I do think you should have considered that this might be the outcome and kept the news to yourself until after everyone was home from the wedding.

There was no need to tell everyone right away.

For those saying it took the shine off the wedding - I once went to a wedding where a guest proposed to their intended in the middle of the speeches!!!

I honestly think anyone who is so precious about their wedding and wouldn’t just be happy for a friend needs a massive head wobble. They are just the type that gets divorced before they finish paying for their photos.

just don’t come back here in two years complaining that your SIL announcing a baby at your wedding 🤣

As an aside - big proposals do not equate to a happier marriage.

Of my close friends, several who went for the 'Insta' proposal are now divorced. In hindsight, a lot of the 'showiness' was papering over cracks, even before being married.

A spur of the moment, private proposal with little to no 'effort' can be more honest and heart felt.

Tbh the people I know who had a big proposal and often then a big wedding have gone on and had the shortest marriages.
The ones with a spontaneous "let's get married" whilst walking the dog have made it to their 50ths. The Mauritius proposal and £20k weddings have ended in kids every other weekend and communications through an app.

Well the lack of planning is your definition of lazy and I can assure you it was completely spontaneous - the thought came into his head and popped straight out his mouth. I said yes before he could change his mind. I've never regretted that it wasn't planned as it means so much more to know that he suddenly felt that this was the right thing to do. We've been married for nearly 34 years and have never said "gosh I wish we'd had a more elaborate proposal - the marriage and life we've made together is what matters.

I think it's off. You are there for them not you regardless of how early you turned up.

Is there a reason he couldn't have proposed sometime after their wedding? Same place but less diverting? Hopefully it wasn't because the engagement would have been overshadowed by the wedding.

I think some people would be happy and some would rather you wait til after to share the news. Just like white dresses at weddings some care, some don’t and etiquette says err on the side of caution.

Furthermore sometimes if the bride’s family are paying and then someone else decides to make it about them they can rightly feel a bit peeved that attention was taken away from a significant event that they were hosting. It is poor manners in my opinion.

More importantly people who know both you, your fiancé and the married couple are saying that it is inconsiderate. You are ignoring that and seeking validation from strangers.

Personally, even though you didn't "announce" it, I don't understand why you didn't just wait after the wedding to tell your friends. I think it was bad form and obviously it would've felt like you were trying to steal the limelight. It's not being a bridezilla to want your day to be about your wedding. The fact your own friends have said something to you, should give you a hint! All you can do is apologise about it. I also think proposing on someone else's wedding trip is also slightly lame, but understandable if you don't holiday much so that's excusable.

Oof tbh I think it’s a bit off. Of all the times and places he could have proposed.

Don't be ridiculous. They went somewhere they always wanted to go together and he proposed there, before anyone else even arrived because they went early to have their own holiday.

No idea how it's lazy. Asking someone to marry you doesn't exactly take much time no matter where you do it, he's decided to do it in the place they both wanted to go to.

I got proposed to when I was in my pyjama's, went to brush my teeth and he was down on one knee when I came back. Didn't need him to do whatever it is you feel people should do...private plane with a banner attached? Separate holiday just to propose? Advert in the local paper?

@Westendgoer they're being unreasonable. Even at a wedding you don't spend your whole time talking about/staring at the bride and groom. People chat amongst themselves, catch up on what's going on with each other.

Maybe your 'friends' are jealous.

I think it was bad form and obviously it would've felt like you were trying to steal the limelight

Why though? I genuinely don't understand. They got engaged. The bride and grooms wedding day is still their wedding day. I don't see how it takes away from anything. People are there to celebrate their marriage. I can't imagine anything more than 'congratulations!' being said to OP? She's not there in a wedding dress, she's a guest same as everyone else and has her own life which includes her also now getting married.

Sad state of affairs if no one is allowed to have nice things happen to them because of a wedding. Only thing anyone should be bothered about is marrying the person they love.

The correct response when friends tell you they just got engaged is 'congratulations'. The very idea of people stealing other people's thunder is off-putting. Unless your friends are just getting married for attention you also getting married won't effect them.

Depends OP.
Is the friendship group the same as bridal party?

Shared a pic on a bridal group chat or what?

Proposed on a Wednesday, bride getting married on Saturday or?

I have been at one where another engagement was announced, but not really by the couple themselves. It was a wedding abroad and the couple had got engaged a few days before the wedding and told a couple of friends in the wedding party. One of the friends let it slip on the evening of the wedding day when quite drunk. The bride and groom were delighted for the couple. It was quite lovely - extra joy on a happy occasion.

So as everyone else was arriving for the wedding you were both there 'surprise we're engaged" but you think it's ok because it wasn't at the actual ceremony itself.
Really bad form in my opinion ( and clearly your friends as well) could you not have kept it to yourselves for a few days .

Noooo! Tell me more....

I agree.

You did nothing wrong.
Congratulations on your engagement.

I agree too. Nobody goes to a wedding to focus 100% on the bride and groom. Especially if they’re going for a week. People talk about themselves and their lives at weddings. And they quite often also talk about how boring the speeches were, or how pissed the bridesmaid got, or how pretentious the couple have been! Most normal people would just say “aww lovely, congratulations” and then carry on. People nowadays have blown weddings into vulgar, attention seeking spectacles.

I think it was poor form.

People can get ridiculous about this kind of thing... it's hardly like everyone's going to walk away from the wedding talking about how a couple there got engaged the week before at the place.

@sciaticafanatica - you wouldn't be impressed by my husband's proposal, it was totally impromptu on a wet tuesday in January after we'd been to an exhibition and he didn't have a ring. Not everyone needs a big song and dance.

Yup, this is like ours. He literally didn't know he was going to say it until the words came out of his mouth. And I personally find that lovely, just the same way some people find a thought-out, planned proposal lovely. horses for courses and all that.

You are being ridiculous